»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Where I am
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Where I am |
|
|
JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey to all. i havent been in the forum for a while but an honest interpretation would be much appreciated if anybody has the time. I know the poem is cliched, but besides that, how can I fix it in such a way that it flows better and perhaps may seem more heartfelt? thanx  Where I am When the clouds have clattered and clumped, and the rain cascades on your soul as the winds have lost their comfort and serves as the sheath to your blow. When the sun has covered its face fretting the light on a dewless morning. As a harsh chill caresses the skin, and lodges in a heart full of mourning. When your feet are worn and weary and you erode with every stride you'd pant and wheeze breathless despair squinting to see yourself alive. When midnight's cloak clothes your heaven and you choose no longer to stand forever and undauntedly by your side, is where I am. "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
||
| © Copyright 2001 JnR4eva - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
Hi, I like this poem, to show fidelity to a friend or lover. my minor tweak suggestions follow... Where I am ----{I didnt need this line as a title AND repeated at the end. one of them should b e changed, I think, otherwise it feels like you're hitting me over the head with it} When the clouds have clattered and clumped, and the rain cascades on your soul as the winds have lost their comfort and serves as the sheath to your blow. ----{the last line makes no sense to me. Sheath is a protective covering, more like something that fits like a glove. I dont think that was what you were getting at here, since this stanza means to me "when you are unprotected, suffering the elements." Likewise, "winds have lost their comfort" implies that winds were comforting previously, which isnt true unless they were gentle warm breezes, in which case, I'd use warm somewhere to show the contrast} When the sun has covered its face fretting the light on a dewless morning. -----{"fretting" also doesnt seem to be the meaning you're going for here, I'm only guessing though) As a harsh chill caresses the skin, and lodges in a heart full of mourning. When your feet are worn and weary and you erode with every stride you'd pant and wheeze breathless despair squinting to see yourself alive. ----{these are neat images, not sure they all go together in the same stanza though} When midnight's cloak clothes your heaven and you choose no longer to stand forever and undauntedly by your side, is where I am. -----{you need to break the line at "stand" in some way, otherwise, I'm reading the next line as a continuation: and you choose no longer to stand forever and undauntedly I'm guessing you really meant that the author was going to stand forever and undauntedly, but that could read as the person was going to, in which case they wouldnt need your protection. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
||
|
JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey there lerk, I thank you for taking your time out to help me. I haven't written a poem in a while and I believe that I was kinda forcing some rhymes and images to go, hence the lack of flow the poem has u have indicated. Where I am ----{I didnt need this line as a title AND repeated at the end. one of them should b e changed, I think, otherwise it feels like you're hitting me over the head with it} Good point. The reason for me doing so was to emphasis the point of the poem. As I read it over and over I do see what u mean and I will change the title most likely. When the clouds have clattered and clumped, and the rain cascades on your soul as the winds have lost their comfort and serves as the sheath to your blow. now the idea behind this stanza, or rather the last 3 lines, was give an image of the rain cascading, (coming down on u as a waterfall), and then the winds lose their comfort, (that's more imagery to add to the effect), and then the sheathe part was to give a feeling of how it serves as a holder for a sword (which in this sense, the rain is the sword and the wind is the sheathe to it, to which u suffer its blow, like u got cut for it, or u felt it impact.) I do know that I forced that idea, and most likely didn't provide enough to give that kind of imagery, therefore I will definitely work on that stanza. Likewise, "winds have lost their comfort" implies that winds were comforting previously, which isn't true unless they were gentle warm breezes, in which case, I'd use warm somewhere to show the contrast} Good point but I want to leave the reader to imagine that. I don't necessarily want to spell it out for them, that the wind was warm. Besides if I put something like that, it may seem a bit cliched. When the sun has covered its face fretting the light on a dewless morning. -----{"fretting" also doesnt seem to be the meaning you're going for here, I'm only guessing though) I was having a hard time with that line, as the rest of the poem LOL...BUT i knew that I was really forcing that. I'll work on it though you'd pant and wheeze breathless despair squinting to see yourself alive. ----{these are neat images, not sure they all go together in the same stanza though} You think so? The idea behind this stanza was to show how the person is deteriorating in face of the elements I'll consider it tho. perhaps reconstructing it would be better. -----{you need to break the line at "stand" in some way, otherwise, I'm reading the next line as a continuation: Thank you for pointing this out, b/c as u have guessed, it was the author who is forever and undauntedly. "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
