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Beauty and Myself ( Please Review)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Beauty and Myself ( Please Review) |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Across a sea of desks and napping heads peacefully resting , My eyes came upon a lovely girl, stormy with thoughts and heavenly with red flowers in her yellow mane. I gazed in the way of a little girl who was viewing a box of frilly dress up clothes. Only now , I envy her primal freedom , instead of her lace.Her open mind instead of her painted face. Thinking on how I can never quite be , as in love with loving as this beauty be. Shes everything I am and can never quite be. Shes the salt water in my bottomless sea. |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
"thinking on how i can never quite be..." is meant to say "thinking on how i can never REALLY be" whoops. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Littlewings, In case you didn't know, you can correct your posting within about the first 24 hours after it is entered. One of the little icons above the poem allows you to edit. Just hold the mouse pointer over one of them for a couple of seconds and a description will appear. When you find the one that says EDIT, click on it then you can correct anything you want. Don't forget to click the SUBMIT button when finished. I only have one suggestion for this poem. It already reads rather prosey to me. I think shorter lines would enhance its effect. I'm not very good at free verse so I won't try to show an example of what I mean but maybe you can experiment, searching for what looks and sounds right. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
i can't really critique this, man, because i can identify where you're at in your poetic journey, and see all the signs of maturation. saying this is not a cop out, or in any way an insult. the way you see some things show promise, and the only way to cultivate that potential is to keep hacking away! |
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