A Love Poem-(havent been here in a while , would really appriciate some opinions)

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Critical Analysis #1

A Love Poem-(havent been here in a while , would really appriciate some opinions)

Littlewings
Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 62

0 posted 2001-01-18 09:08 AM

Today

I told a woman how I felt about you ,
she lost her breath.

That is Love.

What else can its lovely face be named?
when I
Smile just to see you smile back
Waiting by the phone for you to call.

mark woolard
Member

since 2001-01-02

Posts 143

1 posted 2001-01-18 11:03 AM

i like it. love affecting others and yourself. a voice of contentment. nice flow. easy to follow. i like it.

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

2 posted 2001-01-18 11:44 AM

Little Wings,
This is a good poem. It conveys the idea the gist of love and how it affects people outside the relationsip. It amazes me how much emotion you convey without any real imagery. I loved it.
J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-01-18 10:27 PM

LW,

I really liked this. The introduction of a third party adds depth and interest to what would be an otherwise commonplace love poem.

I have a couple of suggestions...just my humle opinion here...

I might drop "lovely" before the word "face".
It is a bit over-used, and we already know you're speaking of the face of love.

Secondly, when the poem ended, I felt like there should be just a bit more...maybe it's just me...dunno...

Here's my suggestion...
add something like "So I can feel every single word that you speak"...something on that order...tying the ending in with the physical effects of love you speak of in the beginning of the poem.

I enjoyed, Littlewings,
Kris

"As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau

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