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The well
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The well |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
The well One strode by, and pushing past swiftly rammed in hungry arms scooping free wild flaming gore and gobbets of his melting flesh drip grinning madly lofts his torches Then arrives at rough-hewn mouth Another wounded pilgrim wraith His draw is deepest, blackest tar Ebony slathered treacle webs drool Feral smirk wrapped within Afterwards, softly, I, the fool Grasp hollows from the heavy dew Nestled there a quivering prize Golden sharpened apple-fruit bite sated lips velvet gullet Turning, then, to eat my fruit Others careen, wild and screaming "Our offspring instead devour us!" whisper inward all "..and this is what I wished for" "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
well, ok, since no one else wishes to tackle this one, I'll give it a rough critique myself (and prove I'm my own worst critic in the process) My alter ego comments enclosed thusly: {comment} The well One strode by, and pushing past {not sure this line works, "strode" and "pushing past" dont match the feel of the rest of this section. further, its not clear what he's striding by and pushing past....should that be "pushing past me" maybe?} swiftly rammed in hungry arms scooping free wild flaming gore {scooping also seems a disjointed word choice...hm...but I cant think of a synomnym...have to give it more thought} and gobbets of his melting flesh drip {ok, this still works, I think} grinning madly lofts his torches {I dunno...should this maybe be " madly grinning, torches aloft?...but that gets away from his hands being the torches. hm. stumped} Then arrives at rough-hewn mouth {this might be the rhythm I want, but the syntax is like translated german...need to rework this one} Another wounded pilgrim wraith {could do without "wraith"...too telling, needs to be more enigmatic} His draw is deepest, blackest tar Ebony slathered treacle webs drool {my favorite parts of this poem are the three lines before the single word...in all three stanza. I wish the rest of the poem hung together as well. Somehow I need to make them rise to this level.} Feral smirk wrapped within {I need to avoid "within" here as it is too close to "whisper inward" later on} Afterwards, softly, I, the fool { I need to eliminate "the fool" --actually, this whole line needs to be rethought.} Grasp hollows from the heavy dew Nestled there a quivering prize Golden sharpened apple-fruit bite {see? these three lines and then single word sing to me, but why cant the rest of the poem? drat, drat and double drat} sated lips velvet gullet Turning, then, to eat my fruit Others careen, wild and screaming "Our offspring instead devour us!" {"careening? what am I? Nuts? that makes no sense. I dont think this section works at all....maybe its completely unnecessary? hm. maybe} whisper inward all "..and this is what I wished for" {ok, if I eliminate the previous section, this HAS to be written more clearly} Ok, self, I see you've thought long and hard about what is right and wrong with this poem. Now its time to get to work! Thanks for critiquing! "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
ok, self, here's what I came up with based on our conversation..... The well One strode by, pushing past me swiftly rammed in hungry arms snatching free wild flaming gore and gobbets of his melting flesh drip madly grinning torches aloft At the rough-hewn mouth Another wounded pilgrim waits His draw is deepest, blackest tar Ebony slathered treacle webs drool Feral smirk public pain Next in line, the apparent fool Grasps hollows from heavy dew Nestled there a quivering prize Golden sharpened apple-fruit bite sated lips velvet gullet Realization bludgeons all "..and this is what I wished for" btw, note to self: I'm guessing that I must have offended people here by actually critiquing poetry, when all they wanted was praise. I suppose this explains how little attention is paid to my poetry, even though I spend a great deal of time thinking about the poetry of others. I look at every line and try to come up with suggestions that might be helpful. Obviously, this is not what they want. oh well....on the good side, this forced me to do this little mental excercise of objectively critiquing my OWN poems, and I think this will help me in the long run to improve my writing. It might be neat if others here tried this mental trick...it taught me as much, perhaps as if they had actually commented. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I thought this was hilarious. Some of us, however, are pressed for time at the moment and can't really do much except make sure things are more or less okay around here. Keep the critiques up (as much as for you as anyone else) -- it's a thankless job but somebody's gotta do it. Actually, you get thanked a lot but you also get put in a position of seeming to know more than others -- they start to feel intimidated. Whatever happened to good old fashioned retribution?  Anyway, I disagree with your critique on a couple of points: the most important being your concern for enigma. Make the poem clearer and longer. If the theme is strong enough or complex enough, the ambiguity will take care of itself. I don't believe in riddle poetry myself (but everyone says I write it for some reason) but I do believe in showing, not telling. Brad |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
LOL! thanks, Brad...I thought I was disappearing there for a while.  If I understand you correctly, you're thinking the poem should be expanded? I can try that. And sorry about not being patient. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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