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A Song For You
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Song For You |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
A Song For You I gave to you the freshest rose But then it quickly paled, Though Nature’s bounty I had sought My wish was not availed, No matter what the gift I chose My efforts always failed, For in your presence it was naught -- Its loveliness curtailed. The touch that lingers from your hand Long after you have flown, The echo of a parting sigh In melancholy tone, My Love, you’ll never understand Remembrance I bemoan, The essence of a kiss goodbye, Then emptiness, alone. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
This seemless weave has hurt me with longing, NAP. . .Longing to feel love, and longing to arrange words with such precision! (Please forgive my ignorance, but does this format of poem wear an official label? It seems rather structured) Bah! I can say no more! Beautiful, sir! Beautiful! |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
(oops) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Ahhh...the sad loneliness woven so skillfully into the second stanza, and the first stanza's beautiful tribute to the subject's love...so very well done. You are not only a master of the sonnet, but of any structured form. I truly enjoyed the read, Pete, Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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Learner's Permit New Member
since 2001-01-17
Posts 9Australia |
Poem pretty flowerly, u know what i mean? very moving and has a lot of feelings to it... hope i can write like this after my 100th post ha  "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircle |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
You cant learn to write like that.Moving and multi-dimensional.Structured yet seeming to be somewhat free form.Damn. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks to all of you for commenting, but you are all much too generous. I know this one has some serious flaws, some awkward wording and such. That's why I posted it, to get some advice. (Of course compliments are always welcome too though) Mark, I am not aware of any name with the style. The meter is like a ballad though it is too short and the rhyme scheme is too complex. Probably nothing significant. Littlewings, that is an interesting observation. Looking back, I also felt like it was somewhat free form although, as you stated, it is very structured. Now you make me curious as to why that might be. Or is it just you and me? Hmmm, maybe something here to learn?? Thanks all, Pete |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
hey, pete. i'll try to analyze this for you. first stanza: no matter what the gift i chose my efforts always failed how about: no matter what, the gift i chose, would see my efforts failed this, i hope, would clear up the rhythm. that's all i can see. hope this sparks some ideas! |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
Hi, Pete! I liked this one...so my comments are just tweaks, but here goes.....(one macro comment is that the tone changes slightly from the first to second stanza...if that's intentional, ignore this comment. I felt the first stanza more formal, and the second more lyrical, independent of structure, more due to word choices and how they sound.) A Song For You I gave to you the freshest rose But then it quickly paled, {{{{Though Nature’s bounty I had sought My wish was not availed,}}}}} -----[this line seems more strained to force "availed" to rhyme ....I almost think you should rethink this one and the one preceding it...I cant come up with an alternative quickly, though...assailed, veiled come to mind as an alternate rhyme] No matter what the gift I chose My efforts always failed, For in your presence it was naught -- Its loveliness curtailed. ---[again, although this rhymes, it occurs to me you might really be wanting to say that the loveliness was not perceived rather than repeating that beauty was removed in some way. The beginning two lines already address that, and better, I think] The touch that lingers from your hand Long after you have flown, The echo of a parting sigh In melancholy tone, ---[this is utterly beautiful, and for me, the poem really starts here. If you either match this tone above, or flip the stanzas, I get a better emotional jolt at the beginning. Just me, I suppose] My Love, you’ll never understand Remembrance I bemoan, ---[I've never really liked the word "bemoan" as it sound like it means something different than what it does, in addition to being non-conversational english, which the rest of this stanza could pass for] The essence of a kiss goodbye, Then emptiness, alone. I guess in looking at it again, I kind of like just the second part alone, and hang the classic structure (but that's just me... I hate rules!) Lerk "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
I thought it was great - not much needs changing. The flow was practically perfect, the poem was very well paced and the experience was wonderfully described. Very clever turn of phrase and rhyming. Great work overall! Well, you wanted some suggestions, so here are a few VERY minor ones. (I had to read it again looking for "mistakes" and had to look very hard to find them!).... What about "Regardless of the gift I chose" or "Regardless of what gift I chose"? And how about "Though your bounty I had sought"? or "Though your favor I had sought"? Or something... I don't know. I didn't see the Nature part as fitting in there, unless you meant you searched through all of nature to find the right flower. There you go! I still say it's practically flawless though! Ashley [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-20-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I was gone for the weekend so now I am finally getting back to your comments. Mark, I see where you are pointing with your suggestion, quote: but the comma after what really changes the sense of what I meant to say. Thanks for the suggestion, it did help me start thinking more seriously about the overall intent. Lerk, Thanks a lot, good sir. I also felt a bit uncomfortable with the two lines you pointed out, the "availed" and "bemoan" lines, for essentially the same reasons you expressed. I guess after several readings they simply grew on me and I was able to overlook their shortcomings. I'll work on it and see if I can't somehow improve it. Thanks again. Ashley, Interestingly enough, the original line was Regardless. For some reason though, it just sounded a bit harsher or something. I don't really know, what do you think? I do see that the line as is probably bends the rules of grammar just a bit  Regarding the "nature's bounty" line, that was intended to refer to the rose mentioned earlier. I do see though that it may be in conflict when the rest of the stanza is considered. I'll give that some more thought too. Thanks again.Well, now that you have me thinking more clearly, I will try to improve this one and maybe repost later, if warranted. Thanks all, Pete |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Boy! This board is on fire with this love stuff. Really, really, good! It is, as you know, difficult to write this type of poetry while avoiding the usual pitfalls. But you managed here. Injecting such pathos.. pretty cool stuff, pretty cool. |
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