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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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steve New Member
since 2000-08-15
Posts 9Canada |
This poem is quite rough.. i just threw it together a few minutes ago. um, im only 18 and i dont got much experience with this stuff yet.. so any help would be great. thanxs. (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*) ************************************************ You ever knew a girl, Who seemed to float on air? You ever had a feeling, Which wouldn't disappear? You ever walk beside her, pretending not to care? You ever look deep inside, and realize what was there? You ever lied alone at night, and almost shed a tear? You ever nearly asked her out, but didn't out of fear? You ever have felt regret, As the time formed a year? You ever wished someday, Your feelings she would share? You ever one day learn, She has a love affair? You ever met this guy, who she said was quite rare? You ever lost all hope, Knowing sides weren't even fair? You ever want to grab a gun, when their flirting you couldn't bare? You ever near the edge, And take one long stare? You ever hold your breath, And make one last prayer? You ever take a leap, Showing that little bit of fear? You ever thought back, Was it really worth to care? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Stephen Seguin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
Hey Steve! Welcome! have no fear, man, this place will take care of you. Poem: sure, it was a little rough, and being unlearned as well, I can only suggest (1) paying attention to the rhythm of your words and (2) also to the words you use. For example, in the second stanza, line four, you could take care of the flow in many ways (eliminating "have", or placing "have" before "you"), and these changes would naturally affect the next line as well. Rhythm, however, is definately important. Try counting and arranging your syllables as you give them words. All this said, just know that I encourage you to study and learn all you can about this artform, man. Poetry, while learned to an extent, is a pure emotional release. Hang in there, and tear this Site apart for information and ideas (poetry workshop etc). Also, simply reading and observing poets at the library is enough to spaark ideas you never knew you had. Sorry so long-winded. . .just one more thing: despite the choppy format, I understand completely what you're saying. Sometimes she is elusive, but another she might come along sooner than you think. |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Well I enjoyed it alot-It has a different sound to it than anything I have ever read. The uniqueness(sp?) of it is refreshing. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Steve, Welcome to CA. Good first post. So much repetition is very hard to pull off, keeping the poem interesting, but you have done it really pretty well. Your poem also has interesting context, something probably all of us can relate to. It is freshly presented. Overall, I would say it has real potential. But I see a few points which might use a little work, IMHO. First thing is the meter and flow. For the most part, it is pretty good. There are a few lines, however, which might be better revised. For example, the first stanza just flows quite nicely until the last two lines. There the rhythm falls apart, much like a big verbal speed bump. Here is an example of how I might fix this problem. You ever knew a girl, Who seemed to float on air? You ever had a feeling, Which wouldn't disappear? You ever walk beside her, pretending not to care? You ever look inside, and see what's really there? Now this is just an example of how to make the lines flow with the others. The context may be all wrong but that is not my intent here. Read your stanza aloud to yourself then read the revised version. See if you understand my objective, whether you agree with it or not. Then, if you do agree, check the rest of the poem carefully for similar points. There are several other lines which I would attack similarly, such as the following lines from the second stanza. quote: Next, be careful of word usage, proofread very carefully and make all the corrections you can before presenting your work. For example, I believe lied is incorrect in the first line of the second stanza. You probably needed lay although an argument could be made for laid. Well, as they say, this is all just one opinion. Feel free to use any of it which might help and ignore the rest. Good job here, nice first post. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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