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Death of a Victim
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Death of a Victim |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
The fabric of romance has worn too thin, A veil to shield my eyes, So I won't have to see what I know I must see, So others won't see who I know I must be, So I stay in my cage though I try to fly free, So the past will not write a reprise. Along with my veil of dramatic black, Gloves I also wear So I won't have to touch the hearts I must touch, So I hide my hands though I know I cannot, So I will hold back when I want to reach out, So I pretend that I don't care. At the funeral of a nameless someone Whose faceless face I'm unable to see, I cannot help but cry But to wipe the tears from my eyes, I must remove my black silk gloves And draw back the veil over my eyes, And in the light that follows the rebirth Of the one I thought had died, I can almost see what I could not see: The ghost in the casket was I. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Sorry this printed out twice - as usual - but my computer is possessed! This poem was written in response to a challenge by YeshuJah to include the phrase or idea "the fabric of romance" in a poem. I posted it earlier in the Spirital Journeys section. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
Ah, two days away to find verses that blow me away! I can totally relate, P.O.W. Constantly trying to stay one step ahead of yourself and everyone else. wanting to touch, see, smell, and hear; yet not doing so for whatever fear may be there. . . Then finally, it all catches up with you. The security blanket and pepper spray no longer protect you, for all you have left to run from is yourself (and then you die). excellent! |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Thanks Mark! I'm glad you liked it. I'm really happy with this one myself. I'll comment on the death thing afer a few more replies - don't want to give anything away just yet. Thanks again! Ashley |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Ashley, I liked this poem through the first two stanzas. I think if you would have structured the last stanza in the same way as the first two the poem would have flowed better. Also the last two lines: "I can almost see what I could not see:/ The ghost in the casket was I." If you can see who is in the coffin that is more than almost seeing it. JMHO. I look forward to more of your work. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Just one small comment Ashley, I think I agree with Jason on the structure of the last stanza. The first two, although unusual, did flow rather nicely. I came to expect that. Then the last one was quite different and made me stumble as a result. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Thank you for taking the time to re-write based upon something I said. I really think that the power in this poem is in the last verse. That is not to say that I do not think the rest of the poem good, in actuality I like what you're trying to do here, but I'm a little troubled by the constant appearance of 'So I' throughout the poem. I believe it would read better if you connected those verse with transitions. But a good efort all in all. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason and Not A Poet, I know what you mean aboout the "almost see" line. Literally, "almost seeing" does mean not seeing, but here it might mean that the speaker "almost sees" because this is a difficult realization for her to make and she hasn't quite accepted that this part of her is no longer useful and has "died". (Mark - That's where the "funeral" comes in. But it can work both ways, you're right.) I don't want to change it for that reason, plus there are actually a few contradictions in the poem that give it a sort of unreal quality, as well as adding to the meaning, I think... The "faceless face" (which again could represent denial that this part exists, or maybe it's faceless because it's not really a person), and the funeral for someone who's not truly dead because they've been "reborn". I re-read the poem and it's true, the structure does change, but, again, it think it works with the meaning. Let me explain. The first two stanzas are structured to rhyme in a repetitive way, so that they're predictable in a way. This could be taken as representative of the speaker's life and behavior: nothing changes, she's just going through the same self-destructive pattern over and over. Then, at the turning point, the "funeral" in the last stanza, the pattern is finally broken in both the format and her behavior. Maybe you guys think I'm stretching it a bit, but I'm sure everyone's had a sudden insight into themselves that made them feel like nothing was certain anymore. When that happens, it takes a while to get into a new pattern of behaving, thinking, and feeling, and that often takes some time. Anyway, I do appreciate that you both read it and took the time to give some pointers, even if I disagree. If you still feel it doesn't work, that's okay too. Ashley |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
YeshuJah Malikk, This is hilarious! I'm starting to learn that you really can't please all the people all of the time! You liked the last stanza but think the first two could be improved upon, while N.A.P. and J.L.H. think that the first two are good but the last could be improved upon! =) Seriously, though, I don't know what other way I could get across the reasons for doing something ("So I...") and not break the flow. And where do you mean I should put transitions? Between all the verses, or...? I'm not quite sure I understand. And what do you mean about me re-writing something? I think I just said this was a response to your challenge. At any rate, thanks for the read, Ashley |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
WOW! you're deep!! i've never heard of letting the STRUCTURE of the poem represent an aspect of the voice of the poem! that bends and twists all sorts of perceptions for me! i'm gonna' contemplate that for a while! anyway, i can totally relate to that sudden burst of self-realization. it takes your world and shakes it like a moracca (spelled right?). |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
He he he... Thanks, Mark! That just brightened my day! =) |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete and Jason, Are you guys going to reply? Or should I take it that you haven't changed your minds? Ashley |
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