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Raj_Yura
Junior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 13

0 posted 2001-01-10 05:31 PM

The Four Dames

The four dames dawn me
Each at different hour
When the day is yet not whole
But its' own part
They tip-toe from my memory
In precinct of my room
Each in its' own garb
One as calm as a new born moon
One as moody as an evening star
One as pensive as a polestar
One as awake as a morning star
Here I have an easel
A canvas,a brush,a motley clours crew
If only her lines,forms an curves
have me a silhouette strew
Each returns to memory
From where she came
To so far a distance
As my earth is to me
When the other returns to a distance
So far as my eyes are to me

mark woolard
Member

since 2001-01-02

Posts 143

1 posted 2001-01-10 06:05 PM

raj--
potentially, this could kill (figuratively speaking). i personally think it could use some work in the description dept. paint more elaborate images. i laughed at the "motley colors crew" line. . .do you mean who i think you mean?

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

2 posted 2001-01-11 01:23 PM

Hi there! Welcome to Passions.

I was absorbed in your poem up until "have me a silhouette strew", where it started going way over my head. I do like ambiguous poems, but maybe the readers need a few more hints in order to get the full impact of what you're saying. Anyway, I thought it was unique and had a distinctive style, so it still has those things going for it. Care to enlighten us on what you were thinkng when you wrote it?

Raj_Yura
Junior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 13

3 posted 2001-01-12 05:18 PM

Each dame represents a time of the day. The
poem is inspired by a painting by Mucha.the
narrator finds the hour as it represents,
difficult to paint on the canvas since the
time is short and one dame metamorphsizes
into another.

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

4 posted 2001-01-13 03:27 AM

Raj,
The poem's imagery wise is good, the style however, didn't work for me. Possibly some punctuation and stanzas. Of course that may just be my left-brain talking.

I did like the idea behind the piece and look forward to seeing more of your work.
J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

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