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Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175


0 posted 2001-01-09 05:13 PM


gentle spirit,
you wandered
once
into my room
you told me
all
that you had
seen
and all
you had been through.

gentle spirit,
you clung
once
to my
chest
the sensation
of your
breath
is a whisper
i will not
forget.

gentle spirit,
you talked
once
to me
of how
you felt
for another
man
you asked me
for my
help.

gentle spirit,
if only
once
i was
needed
by you
then that would be
enough
if only that were
true.

gentle spirit,
i am yours
now
to do with as you
will
please
be gentle
spirit
you know not
what I
feel.

© Copyright 2001 Pearls_Of_Wisdom - All Rights Reserved
Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

1 posted 2001-01-09 08:00 PM


This has a nice feel to it.  I think the fourth stanza is a little too pleading and  I think you could improve the overall flow and wording.  I'd go back and make sure every word of the entire poem is exactly as you wish it.
Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

2 posted 2001-01-10 12:09 PM


Well, thanks for the suggestions. I agree that the flow is a little strange and so is the format, but I don't want to change it. I think if I try to, it will come out sounding too contrived, and that's the last thing I want, since it was based on an odd dream I had. So you still think it has a nice feel, though? Did it have an emotional impact on you at all? That's more what I was shooting for. But, yeah, it's a strange one for sure.
mark woolard
Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143

3 posted 2001-01-10 05:01 PM


format and flow are indeed a bit choppy, but i can offer no advice on how to change that (you should read some of my hacks!).

it impacted me emotionally in two ways.
first, i took "gentle spirit" in relation to christian faith, and read the poem through the proper lenses.  second, after reading the dialogue and finding it was based on a weird dream, i read the poem with those lenses on, and couldn't quite relate.  that's not saying there is no haunting essence contained in the words--i just feel different things when i think of weird dreams.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

4 posted 2001-01-10 08:04 PM


Hi Mark,
Oh, that's interesting, thinking of "gentle spirit" as God. I never thought of it that way. Hmmm.

Well, I guess now that I've mentioned the dream, maybe I should just be upfront and tell everyone what it was about. I guess it's not entirely odd, but, well, you'll see. So, in the dream, I was a guy (I'm not - that's the odd part) and in love with this girl who didn't love me back. (Or I may have just been watching the events of the dream happen, like a camera in a movie.) Actually, she loved someone else who was abusive or something and came and told me about it. That's where the "gentle spirit" comes in. That's the girl. Anyway, I woke up with this poem starting to write itself in my head, so I wrote it down. So there you go. Pretty odd, eh?

Now does it all make sense? Maybe the poem's a little off because I don't make a very good guy! he he

Hopefully you all don't think I'm a wierdo now. =) I know a few people that have had this sort of gender-reversed dream, so I guess it's not that odd, but this was the first time it involved a romance of sorts. Any other thoughts?

mark woolard
Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143

5 posted 2001-01-11 02:13 PM


OK.  I can grasp it a little more. . .I don't think you're a weirdo at all!  I stopped telling my dreams to most people because they always thought I was a weirdo, also.  Too many Freud students looking to give answers where there are no questions. . .
J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
6 posted 2001-01-11 09:19 PM


Pearls,
   I read the poem first with no preconcieved ideas. It seemed through the first several stanzas that it may have been adressed to a deceased child. This of course stirred emotions. Then the last couple of stanzas had the feel of a different kind of relationship so I figured I had missed it somewhere.
   After reading the replies & your explanation I re-read and was able to follow the story line better. Very interesting piece.
        J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

Raj_Yura
Junior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 13

7 posted 2001-01-12 05:05 PM


hi pearl
          i read your poem.the way u have broken it into words and lines is impressive.
i mean the structure is quite rthymic

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

8 posted 2001-01-12 08:24 PM


Raj_Yura,

Thank you! =) I thought it was neat myself. It's the first time I've written such short lines with such a weird rhyme scheme.

J.L.H.,
Thanks to you too! I appreciate it.


[This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-12-2001).]

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

9 posted 2001-01-13 11:43 AM


Hi,

I agree with some of the other comments(especially the flow), though I think this piece has a great amount of potential. It seems to be extremely heartfelt...written from true emotion.

I take it as words of a love that one is unsure of reciprocated feelings, or, possibly, unrequited love. Since the reader's perceptions and emotions are often triggered by the words they read, I suppose all of the interpretations could easily fit the poem.

The fact that you have brought out different ideas from different readers probably means that your work has touched them, and that is what poets strive to do.

Nice work...keep writing,
Kris

All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves

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