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Strum
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Strum |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
Strum By Lerk Between being and the void a chain, perhaps, of causality a spark, a rock, a feather, less a still point in reality Where grinds the gears celestial and pivot points of circumstance a null of origin supports the universe's fundament Music sung is nothing more than waxen thought that captures it without memory, its rings subside drops that fade, evaporate The grey what if, which then becomes the strands of woken consciousness the resonance of the strings, when strummed the soul, into being, nothingness ----------------------------------------------------------- THE CORRECTED VERSION (in progress) ----------------------------------------------------------- Strum By Lerk Between being and the void lies a chain, perhaps, of causality a spark, a rock, a feather, less a still point in reality Where gears celestial tightly grind in pivot points of circumstance a null of origin buttresses the universe's fundament Music sung is nothing more than waxen thought that captures it without memory, its rings subside drops that fade, evaporate The grey what if, a thought becomes the strands of woken consciousness the resonance of the strings, when strummed the soul, into being, nothingness [This message has been edited by Lerk (edited 01-05-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 John Hancock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Lerk, I really enjoyed the poem and think over all it is a pretty well written piece, but I personally found problems when reading it in regards to the flow of the poem. If you could bear with my incoherency, apologises for not being great at crits but hope this helps. =================================== "Between being and the void ( I would insert something like "lies" breaks etc) or some other verb. We need to know what is happening with the chain, then the rest would follow better. I would think about putting "celestial" in the line "and pivot points of (celestial) circumstance." My main problem with the poem, is that the images, which are the strong point of the poem, don't mean any resolve, for explain with the verse "Where grinds the gears celestial and pivot points of circumstance a null of origin supports the universe's fundament" the lines could be re edited slightly to read as a stronger full sentence. I realise that it is a stylistic approach you are aiming at but I don't think it quite works something like: "Where the gears of celestial grind in the pivot points of circumstance, a null of orgin supports the universe's fundament." basically I think the lines need to flow into each other. I really loved the verse "Music sung is nothing more than waxen thought that captures it without memory, its rings subside drops that fade, evaporate" beautiful image. Those are just my feelings on it, it has a very lyrical flow but the formatting of sentences gets in the way. Let it flow more. Don't know if any of this has helped. It's in your eyes a fire that's wild and glorious Unhibited, unfinished in everything I do Let the morning rise like our hearts desire" whipping boy |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
(I will be updating the poem in progress with each accepted suggestion. I will leave the original above it for comparison) Brian: thanks! that is excellent critique and you identified the part I had the most difficulty with. I will mull over your suggestion. I think the solution lies somewhere between what I wrote and what you suggested only in that yours flows better but there was an element of my original version that I hoped to keep intact. I will work on this and see if I cant fix it. This kind of specific suggestion is exactly what I was hoping for! thanks! [This message has been edited by Lerk (edited 01-05-2001).] |
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