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Critical Analysis #1
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How We Met.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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How We Met. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
It was the first time we would meet, and she was having her nails done. This was significant, her having something done. At other times she'd do the dishes, the laundry, the grocery shopping and quite often me, which I should say, is my favorite part of the doing. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I started to tell of the first time we met. She was having her nails done, and gosh! her hair shone.. It seemed to have a luminosity all its own. Not the commercial type look, but kind-a like from the inside out, when she turned to look towards the door as I entered (she insisted later that she wasn't looking at me) all strands moved in unison, emanating the tonal aspects of a symphony, the conductor not even, but still yet she. I walked through the doors of my dream with the same nonchalance with which I had, to that point, sauntered through life, fully weaned upon the sureness of my self. But this time my heart strings trailed behind, telling tales out of the school of my thoughts, making it hard for me to concentrate on the book I’d brought. I kept glancing at her, Looking for some visual confirmation that I could take the dive off of that cliff called hope, into the free fall of desire which places the suitor squarely at the mercy of the one being pursued. Suddenly I heard: "Who's next?" And all waiting heads looked in my direction, but my mind was still filled with images of her, I wished just this one time that I was at the end of the line, But I somehow couldn’t find the guts to say it wasn’t me. I walked over to that chair like a man condemned to die, and my only crime was that I was before others. I had just seen the most beautiful woman in the world, the woman of my dreams and I was being called to a chair! Her back was the last thing I saw as the cutter draped my shoulders And asked: What you getting today? |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
don't know how much these words will mean to you, man, but i dig this. nice descriptive imagery (a bit long-winded at times) with several themes i can relate to. women. unsure, however, if you met her for real or just met her in your mind. i do that too--paint pictures of what-ifs and mirrored realities where i have the gumption to profess my love to complete strangers. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Welcome Mark, I agree. This is long winded, but its a rough draft. I'm looking for suggestions on how to cut it and still keep the essence of the verse. Thanks for coming in on this. JAH Love. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Yesh, Very well written and interesting, almost fascinating even. I particularly liked the first stanza  (probably a personal problem)Like Mark, I'm not sure whether this was real or wishful, although it's really not important for me to know that. It's still something we can all identify with from our personal experience I think. It did read a bit prosey but I suppose that is just a natural consequence of your style and the nature of the story telling you have done here. The last short stanza was a bit troublesome for some reason. Maybe I really felt like it shold have ended on the previous one and that last one should be omitted. No, I don't think that is the real problem. Maybe you could rethink the last couple of lines which just don't seem to add anything. Or the whole stanza could be dropped too. Well, I enjoyed. Thanks. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Yesh, I liked this...you write in such different styles, I never know what to expect next. Very versatile you are. I agree that this is a bit long, and my suggestion would be to cut/combine a couple of stanzas toward the end. For example, I would perhaps leave the first line of the fifth stanza, and add other lines for a conclusion: "Suddenly I heard: "Who's next?", The back of the most beautiful woman ever, the woman of my dreams, was the last thing I saw as the cutter draped my shoulders And asked: What you getting today?" I think something like this would cut out some of the "bulk"...leaving the most important words, and adding more impact. The first four stanzas are rich with imagery...I'd leave them alone. WARNING: This is only an unsubstantiated opinion! I enjoyed, Yesh....nice work, Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
A confession. This poem is actually an excerpt taken from an epic poem of sorts that I'm still writing about my wife and I..kind of something I hope to leave for our little girl, she's 11 Months. I wanted to just tell about when and how we met without going into lengthy details. I guess there is too much to tell. Pete, glad you like the first stanza..wink, wink, so do I. Now you know why it reads prosey, per above. I agree with you regarding the last stanza, but I wanted to juxtapose the cutter's nonchalant question against the other voice in the poem. Maybe? maybe not? What do you think? Kris, thank you for your kind words. I try to write with an open frame of mind. I abhor painting myself into any corner whatsoever. I agree with you regarding keeping the first four stanzas, but interestingly enough, I posted this on another site and am being told there that those verses are repititious... what's a body to think? Please know that I value your ideas, suggestions and criticisms very much. I know without a doubt that writing and reading here has increased my vision a whole lot. Thanks all. |
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