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Critical Analysis #1

Tears without release

Sappho
New Member

since 2000-12-30

Posts 6

0 posted 2000-12-30 01:00 PM

Sitting there
Alone
I saw his eyes
Though mine were closed
I felt the warmth of his
Fingertips
While my hands lay
Folded across my chest
I felt his breath
Lightly touching the nape of my neck
But leaning back
Into the warmth of his embrace
I felt the cold wooden bar
Against my skin
And I cried
For the loss
Of a beautiful
Dream

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-12-30 01:32 PM

Welcome to CA, Sappho,

I will not go into an in-depth critique on your first post, but will only suggest that you read this work aloud to yourself a few times, and then see if you think it merits any changes. I could constantly be adding/deleting/correcting my own work using this method. Try to feel the words' rhythm, flow, and connections. Examine their placement, and their right to be in that place...visualize what the words are telling you...then make any changes you feel are necessary. I'm looking forward to seeing a revision...

Just a suggestion,
Kris

P.S. It is customary, though not mandatory, for one to reply to two or three posted poems before posting one of your own...just letting you in on one of our CA unwritten rules.

< !signature-->

All change in history,all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we should still be living in caves

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-30-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-01-02 10:12 AM

Hi Sappho,

Just another welcome to CA. It's good to have you here.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 2001-01-02 12:17 PM

Sappho:

I liked the poem and appreciate its expressiveness. For the most part, I think the tone of the poem matched the solemnity of the subject matter but the sound of a few words ("cried", for example) seemed a little strong. I think, as Kris suggests, if you read the poem aloud, you will hear where words sound too strong or where the placement of a certain word or phrase would improve the ease of reading.

Thanks for the read and welcome to CA.

Jim

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