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When You Left...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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When You Left... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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when you left... I slipped slowly softly into another place where the pain could not reach me I drifted upon indifference making indecisions laughing at unmistakeable mistakes allowing lethargy a window to blow through and carry me away to uncaring when you left... I went away from myself from anything that connected me to you (which was everything) to a flat neutral place where apathy managed unmanageable emotion where a mind of inactivity unresponsiveness held no guilt where the sky had a ceiling so low I could spread the palm of my hand across it I stayed... till you were no longer nucleic then slipped slowly softly back to awareness of sensations instinctual reaction to a reconciliation with self and a reintroduction to self-respect Kris< !signature--> All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-30-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sappho New Member
since 2000-12-30
Posts 6 |
Kris, First of all, this is lovely. Your imagery allows the reader to truly enter the poem. However, I think that the last stanza is a bit wordy, creating a bit of a tangle, which forces the reader out of the beautiful wallowing you've already created. Here's the bit that troubles me: to awareness of sensations instinctual reaction to a reconciliation with self and a reintroduction to self-respect -Heather |
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HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
i thought it showed a great deal of thought was put into it... and the format you have it in flows well. |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I like the irony in this. I'm especially taken with phrases like "making indecisions" and "laughing at unmistakeable mistakes", maybe because I've done those things but did not write it as masterfully as you have. Oh, yes! I also liked "apathy managed unmanageable emotion". I don't really see anything I would change here. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Heather, Thanks for reading and for your suggestions on the last stanza. The end, which, you describe as "wordy" is intended to be slightly different, as one is going from denial to a reality of acceptance. However, I will see if I could perhaps say it in a less "jolting" way...as it should be slowly and softly, as the poem says. Hidden Sparklez, I thank you very much for your positive comments, and am glad that you enjoyed the poem. Marilyn, Happy to see that someone spotted the intention of this piece. Thank you for your kind reply. It always gives me a measure of satisfaction when my intent is comprehended and appreciated. Thank you all again, Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
must say that I enjoyed the piece, but there is one thing I would add Punctuation, full stops and commas. I think it would aid the flow of the poem. It's in your eyes a fire that's wild and glorious Unhibited, unfinished in everything I do Let the morning rise like our hearts desire" whipping boy |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, I wanted to try a piece using no punctuation...only line breaks as pauses...perhaps it didn't work as well as planned. I will consider your suggestions...thanks for reading and for your comments. Happy New Year! Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
I liked this poem a lot. I too enjoyed the self-contradictory (is that a word, I'm tired) phrases. I thought it was well done. ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... Robert Kaplan |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, As usual, I enjoyed the whole poem but the first stanza, for some reason I can't really explain, really caught my fancy. Of course, one needs its entirety to . . . Well, nevermind, I got distracted and now I can't remember what I was trying to say  Oh well, I enjoyed.Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dreamer, So glad you enjoyed...and yes, that is a word. Thanks so much for reading. Happy New Year, Pete!  Still in a fog from celebrating? Just teasing...I know how it is to want to say something, and then not remember what it was I wanted to say. Comes with years and wisdom(?), I suppose. LOL Glad you liked my words, especially the first stanza, even if you can't remember why... Hugz, Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OBTW Kris, I realize now that I didn't even notice the lack of punctuation. Now you know how I am usually bothered by such transgressions. Since I wasn't, I can only assume that your attempt must have worked, for me at least Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete... Transgressions??? That's a strong word, my friend... I would muchly prefer experimentation...contemporary...or a similar word. You cannot be one of those who considers any break from traditional poetic forms a (OMG!) transgression, hmmmm?  (I know you're not.)I am truly glad that you didn't notice the lack of punctuation at first...perhaps it did work to a satisfactory extent. I'll turn you into a free-verser yet. Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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