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SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

0 posted 2000-12-26 11:08 PM

"Candles Of Love"

Strike the match
Of the candle to light your heart
Hey it's a start

Before long it glows so bright
It may shine through the night

Watch it glow
But don't get burned by the flame
For your life will never be the same

For the candles of love
Are anything but tame
And your heart will never feel the same

It may bring joy
Or perhaps the burning flame of pain
To leave your pride in shame

It's an obsectle course for your heart
To be trained
It's up to you whether you lose or gain

Don't give up if burned
By the flame just be careful next time
But, either way your heart will
Never be the same

So what will you do
Lose or gain
Will you risk your heart
To the powerful forces inside the
Candles of love

By: Lisa Kennedy

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-12-27 08:29 PM

The first stanza is cute but you seem to lose that light hearted voice with the rest of the poem. Why?

If you don't want this to be 'light' in tone try this suggestion: Picture the room where the candle(s) is/are and describe that room without rhyme or repetition (at least not yet). Try to give us more than the candle image, give us the feel of that room.

Explore the symbols that might help complexify your feelings of love.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Lerk
Junior Member

since 2000-11-17

Posts 49
Dayton, OH USA

2 posted 2000-12-28 11:57 AM

{my comments preceded by an ---*}

"Candles Of Love"

Strike the match
Of the candle to light your heart
Hey it's a start

---*"strike the match of the candle" doesnt make a lot of sense if you think about it. Do you mean "strike the match and light the candle of your heart?"

Before long it glows so bright
It may shine through the night

Watch it glow
But don't get burned by the flame
For your life will never be the same

For the candles of love
Are anything but tame
And your heart will never feel the same

---* this stanza is so similar to the preceding, that I wonder if you shouldnt cannablize the best parts into a single stanza?

It may bring joy
Or perhaps the burning flame of pain
To leave your pride in shame

---*had trouble understanding the last line, nor what it had to do with love? If you use "pride" and "shame", the reader either wants to know what pride or what shame, or else its context.

It's an obsectle course for your heart
To be trained
It's up to you whether you lose or gain

---* to me, obstacle courses are less about lose or gain and instead overcoming hurdles. I like the idea of an obstacle course, but you undo that or dont expand that enough with the last line.

Don't give up if burned
By the flame just be careful next time
But, either way your heart will
Never be the same

---* I think I got the idea that things will never be the same. Not sure you need to repeat it this often.

So what will you do
Lose or gain
Will you risk your heart
To the powerful forces inside the
Candles of love

---* Again, I liked the concept of "risk" but there's little of it in the poem except at the very end. More pain and burning. If risk is important, images of whether to light the candle in the first place, whether you or another person should light it, whether winds of change will blow it out, etc. You have the metaphor of a candle, but there are many many aspects of that metaphor that could be explored instead of just the burning part. Like powerful yet dangerous beauty, like dripping wax as the relationship changes, like whether the candle burns brightly enough to overcome the darkness, etc., etc.
Since you are exploring one element of the metaphor, I'd almost prefer the poem be much shorter, more economical, less repetitive. Or, in the other direction, keep the length but explore more of the area of the metaphor.

Just my opinion. I think you have a lot here, I just wanted to see more of some things and less of others.

SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

3 posted 2000-12-28 08:26 PM

Brad:

I want the poem to be light-hearted but also for people to realize that with that lightness there can also be pain because thats how love is sometimes. Thanks for your opionon and good idea about more feeling of the room. Take care.

Lerk:

Thanks for your opionon. Some of what you suggested I agree with other parts I don't.
1st * : Yes I agree it doesn't make sense now that I think about, yes that's what I meant.
2nd * : True, mabye I could combine them.
3rd * : Here I meant that if you get hurt so does your pride and therefore the shame comes from realzing you made a mistake thinking the love would last.
4th * : I don't agree with this but thanks.
5th * : Ok mabye not.
6th * : You made some interesting good points/ideas here. Mabye I will revise it will more then just the flame. Take care.

~Lisa~

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

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