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Excavation in Desperation
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Excavation in Desperation |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
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Just want an overall oppinion. Thanks. Beneath this debris, my conceal of disguise, Feelings inside, throughout, have caved me in, Aloft my presence, lies peril on all sides, O'er me, wanderers run, trampling on my spirit Chords orchestrate my scream, silence remains, Exasperated ears of blood, trickling abroad Sting my eyes, like sweat of harsh pains, Excavate me, leave me not a fossil behind For I am not Pompeii, left in these ruins, Assist me, now, as I am incapable of resist, A hand, stick, or rope, at least an attempt, Desperation breaks the skin, of tenderness Don't desert me now, we're getting near, Commence proceedings, shovel me outward, Emancipate me, rid me of the despair, Distinguish these feelings, of gloominess Jeremy D. Raulinaitis "A writer doesn't acquire a vacancy of mind, but rather a inadequacy of words." - Jeremy D. Raulinaitis |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Interesting piece but too abstract. You have an interesting image (reminds me of Eliot) but you're not pursuing it clearly enough. What does 'conceal of disguise' mean? Why O'er? "Ears of blood"? It's not that these might work but you don't explore what they could mean thoroughly enough. You have a voice, certainly, but you don't seem to apply that voice consistently. Suggestion: Stay concrete (keep the image clear and add the abstractions later) and write two or three poems on the same subject without looking at this piece and then combine. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
a macro comment might be that the heavy use of commas throughout is off-putting and a device that becomes more impactful that what you're trying to say....I might even go so far as to say to tedious by the end of the poem. Since the poem is visually a block, the commas become even more apparent. Beyond that, I agree with the previous comment that some of the verbal imagery is very interesting, but seem a bit nonsensical. I almost wanted to see more discipline in their use. Loved Pompeii and that whole trek .... What I'd do is either keep the poem as a block like it is now, but lose most of the commas or alternate them with another device --- OR, keep the commas but break up your type more ragged and in varying lengths. keep in mind, though, I have no qualifications whatsoever  |
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