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Critical Analysis #1
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'The Breadth of Dreams'
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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'The Breadth of Dreams' |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US 
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This is quite a departure for me. I'm not yet 100% comfortable with free verse... Any thoughts would be welcome! The Breadth of Dreams As heavy oak doors open to embrace the fevered throng, drumbeats punch and pull bodies inward, wasting no time in hypnotically synchronizing a communal heart rhythm. Flesh collides and withdraws[semi-colon] the mass heaving in unison with sculpted chests while furtive glances grope for electric union among so many eyes lined in charcoal insomnia. Threadbare introductions fade as a survey's focus uncovers strobe-lit cancer clouds subliminally showering marble tiles in bridal gown fantasies and breathless wet dreams. Lasers lick goosebumps from glittered tangles of writhing limbs but neglect the dark, tapestry-cloaked recesses where more purposed tongues find momentary sweetness despite surroundings steeped in the sweat-and-piss warnings left by Casanovas past. Painted pouts smear blood-red whispers across the shadows and are repeatedly swallowed by hungry riffs of an insistent and haunting melody, weaving between stone columns and reaching a deafening fervor. Anticipation swells and becomes fluid, drowning reason and betraying twinges of self-consciousness. Shields are surrendered and drawn again while Lolitas tease their daddies in Techno-Freudian dance. Masquerades unfold in Acts of III as, beyond the din in rented chambers, sons and daughters orchestrate parental nightmares with needles and cockrings on 8mm film. Among the ravenous marauders in these dens of raw humanity, a stirring becomes flesh and radiates a cacophony of psychic thunder. Though senses are peaked to galactic proportions, no player appears conscious of presence beyond his own heightened existence, nor does he show fear. As ecstasy explodes in a supernova of screams and epicurean laughter, awareness comes, unwelcome in its reason and merciless acuity. My psyche is wrenched rearward into reality, rendering me barren once again[semi-colon] to resume this fruitless pilgrimage through Life As I Know It. Am I awake or am I lost? Is anybody here? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Julie A. Remke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
While I don't know a thing about technicalities, writing in whatever manner, meter, or style, I do sometimes write and I guess it's more in prose or free verse...heck, I don't know...I just write what comes to mind however it comes to mind. So here's my comment on this piece for whatever it's worth. I really like the contents of this piece. A deep, internal questing of the mind. As for it's structure I would probably done it like so, below, as I try and give a line break whenever thought changes somewhat, at conjunctions, commas (unless the commas are separating (adjectives??)as in: the curly, blonde hair)and any place a relatively new thought takes place, and in general anywhere I think the flow of the piece would possibly be improved. And I think "flow" is probably the thing that makes or breaks a piece the most often, whether it be rhyming, free, or whatever. And we all suffer there. Now that's REAL technical, isn't it. Hope it makes some kind of sense. And my writing suffers greatly because I don't follow my own rules (like rewriting, correcting, etc) most of the time. Any way, (the centering was for me - I like centered pieces)just my thoughts. to embrace the fevered throng, drumbeats punch and pull bodies inward, wasting no time in hypnotically synchronizing a communal heart rhythm. Flesh collides and withdraws; the mass heaving in unison with sculpted chests while furtive glances grope for electric union among so many eyes lined in charcoal insomnia." jwesley |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
Lily, check out my profile when you get a chance. anyway, I definately feel you on this one. I feel there isn't anything wrong with this piece. NOT A THING!!! In fact, this is probably the coolest poem I've read today. (and I read alot of poems today!) It really brings back memories. My only critique is that you should feel comfortable with your free verse because your definately a natural at it! Will you come travel with me? Shall we stick by each other as long as we live? - Walt Whitman |
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