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'Choices'
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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'Choices' |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US 
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Choices Looking back upon my years, I see mistakes I've made and marvel at their impact on this mortal path I pave. Each fork and turn is lined in thorns with markers etched in stone, forevermore reminding me of choices that I own. I dare not blame heredity, or childhood traumas faced, for bringing me to where I stand with innocence misplaced. I'd like to think I still have hope of reaching my redemption, but don't know if I trust myself to learn from every lesson. I cannot chart direction when no master plan exists, and time will not fold back for me to replay what I've missed. So I'll plod on, with good intent and hoping for the best, to blindly make my way through life while God decides the rest. ~Julie A. Remke~ © December 16, 2000 All Rights Reserved. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Julie A. Remke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi Lily, I would like to say first that I enjoyed this; you seem to have a good grasp of meter and rhythm and have demonstrated that here. Your meter is, for the most part, iambic, with alternating four- and three-foot lines, with the exception of the first four lines of the second stanza which add an extra syllable (or anapest) to the trimeter lines. This consistency makes for easier reading, and in fact gives this piece a comfortable and pleasant lilt. The tone of this piece reminded me of something you might find hanging on someone's wall next to the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The strength to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. A sort of universal wisdom, if you will. I read a similar intent in this poem. The traumas and mistakes are not expounded because they don't need to be, and in fact such exploration would detract from the universality of the theme. In short, if this was the type of piece you were looking for, you hit the nail right on the head.  My only real suggestion here would be to consider finding a true rhyme for lines two and four in order to remain in keeping with the rest of the piece. Well done! --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Linda, Thank you so very much for taking the time to provide a real crit! I do appreciate all your comments. Yes, I wanted a "universal" feel to this so that all readers could relate personally, to some degree. About the lack of true end rhyme in some cases: What I wrote was what flowed for me. And since I was using end rhyme (which can really get tacky without great care), I wanted to avoid FORCING rhyme at all costs. But if I can come up with true rhyme that won't spoil the read, I'll consider revisions there. Thanks again, sincerely! ~Julie~ |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Lilly B, I too thought this was very well done. But then I nearly always seem to agree with Linda. There is, however, one small point in her response with which I don't agree. The two lines with the extra syllables are not anapestic. The extra syllables are unstressed syllables at the end of otherwise strictly iambic lines. This makes them still iambic lines but with feminine endings. Of course that is a technicality but I can't always agree, can I? Also, you are wise to avoid the "forced rhyme at all costs." But, again I am in complete agreement with Linda, you would improve the poem by finding a true rhyme for those lines mentioned. But certainly do it as you suggested, that is, don't force the rhyme. Well done, indeed. Pete |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Thank you very much, Pete. I will put more thought into "truer" rhymes. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Julie, One more little point I missed the first time around, I would rearrange lines 2-3 thus: and marvel at their impact on this mortal path I pave. Moving on from the beginning of line 4 to the end of line 3 corrects the one meter discrepancy by having 4 feet on line 3 and 3 on line 4, consistent with the remainder of the poem. Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Lily: I thought this was a good offering but I think you can expand on the subject matter a little bit. I think if you may more attention to the particulars (rather than generalities) you will do better to hold the reader's interest. I suppose you could say that you were going for a more universal application of the "moral" at the end of the poem: quote: I would argue, however, that a general "moral" that following a subject that is more specific will have greater effect on the reader (it would on me, anyway). Just an opinion. Jim P.S. I really like the moral, by the way. |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Thanks again, Pete! I have made the change to lines 3 and 4, as you corrected it. You were absolutely right about the meter. And, Jim, I thank you as well. The more I read this, the more I think you have a valid point: This may lose some impact because of the generality. I will work to get deeper into the heart of it. It needs details and length. I also hope, as I rework it, to be able to either discover more true end-rhyme, as Linda suggested above -- or abandon the rhyme altogether. I SINCERELY appreciate the feedback you all have given me!!! |
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