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the dream
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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the dream |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
I see her everyday and dream of our becoming friends but it cannot be she is the rose a long stemmed sweet smelling red rose I the forget-me-not plain and simple and straight forward she is much older than I more mature more knowledgeable much wiser there is nothing she can get from me except loyalty loyalty the one thing I can do and have of in abundance the one thing that has caused me more pain than anything else in this world so I watch her and dream of friendship and watch the lily pads float by in the stream of life ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Adam Everett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi Dreamer ... I enjoyed the lightheartedness of this poem ... I thought it was very appropriate to the subject not to delve too deeply into the meat of the matter, since what you describe here could be characterized as a daydream (which is a notoriously fleeting thing).  The area that I believe could use some tweaking here is your choice of line breaks. While the short, disjointed quality of the flow might be consistent with the dream state, I would have to say that choppiness in this degree would be more readily identified with nightmare than a wistful daydream. Remember that even though a thought can continue from one line of a poem to the next, a line break causes a mental pause in the reader which interrupts the flow. Line breaks are especially important in the absence of regular meter and punctuation, neither of which you included here in order to lend inflection or definition to the speaker's train of thought. This is not to say that one- and two-word lines are never appropriate; just that an overabundance of them can be annoying, just as a plethora of run-on sentences can seem to drag on forever. For example, the repetiton of "loyalty" as a line by itself I thought was an especially strong point in this piece, as was the "red rose" fragment. (OK, so get to the point Linda) Basically, the only thing I would do to this is a bit of cut-and-paste: string a few of the lines together, leaving a few shorter ones here and there as 'punctuation.' I think you will be surprised at the amount of texture your words will take on. --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Linda has said most of it i think (good critique welcome to CA Dreamer and Linda it's really great to see you here and so active P |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Thanks Skyfyre. I guess I've been sort of thinking that way recently and it came out in my poem. It's a little long to change in a reply, I don't want to make everyone read the whole thing again, but maybe I'll make a revised version and post it later. Poertree, nothing to say? I'm very surprised!!!!!!! Oh well, no loss  (  )....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Hi! May I? I've read this and believe it needs more specifics, and punctuation. See what you think of this? I see her everyday and dream of becoming friends but it cannot be. She is the long-stemmed red rose and I, the forget-me-not, plain, simple, and straight forward. She is older, mature, knowledgable and much wiser. There is nothing she would obtain from me, except loyalty. I have loyalty in much abundance for it is the one thing that has been the root of my sorrow. I continue to watch her, and long for friendship and I see lily pads float by, caught in the stream of life. "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I give in! You outdid me at my own poem! How sad is that! Although my loyalty has no reason for being here. It just is. I like the continue to watch her bit, it conveys my message better. Skyfyre said it sounded like a daydream, but that was not what I was trying to convey. WOW!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to hide. I'm embaressed!  ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
NO NO NO, never be embarrassed, this is YOUR poem, YOUR words, all a critique forum is for is to aid, give suggestions, honestly, and yes, sometimes I've posted and been embarrassed, but that's why we are here, to learn and to write better. Many of my early poems are lousy, junky, clunky, and filled with every bad rule of poetry and there are rules. Don't let anyone tell you there is no form to poetry. Yes, YES free verse is free...and one can certainly write beautifully, gifted verse but they are few. Many of us have to work and work hard. Do you love poetry with all of your heart and soul? If the answer is yes, continue to post, learn and be open minded, knowing that a good critique only looks at the poem and never the poet! You keep writing and growing as a poet, we all are.... This is full of honest and sincere feelings and that's a great beginning. Punctuation and all is part of serious poeetry but never lose the heart of it. "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I just realized this is your FIRST post. YOU are a brave poet, posting in critique your first time around!! Keep writing. "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Don't worry, this is my.. eighth post? I think so. I just changed my name. I post here because I don't see the point of posting somewhere and having everyone tell me how awesome my poem is. I'll just keep doing what I was doing before. I need advice, then I have something to work with. When I said I was embaressed, I was only kidding. Don't worry, I can take it! I did put a winking face in my reply right? ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Much has already been said that I would have said but I had an idea I'd like to share: why not get rid of the people in the poem altogether (and maybe change the rose to something else -- my idiosycrasy -- not a big fan of roses) and personify all the flowers and plants? This might give the piece a more fable like quality to it (dare I say dream quality ) that might be fun to play around with.Just an opinion, Brad |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Oh, and Irish Rose, I LOVE your signature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mine is a little wacked! hee hee If you want an explanation, you'll have to e-mail me, because it's a long explanation. |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Brad, thanks for the critique, but I don't want it to sound fable-like, it's a real life circumstance, and I wrote it to let out my feelings. What can I say, I heard it in my brain, and it came out on paper. ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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