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Sense of Knowing
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sense of Knowing |
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m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
With my arms wrapped around you, trying to keep you warm, We looked up to the sky, gazing at the clouds. It gave me a sense of security, knowing this bond will never be torn, For the voice in my head is telling me this is true love I found. For your love I have an unquenchable thirst, Baby girl, I swear, you will always come first. You give me a sense of knowing, that we will always last A sense of knowing, that this love will always surpass A sense of knowing, we are an unbreakable pair, A sense of knowing, with you, my life, I wish to share. Holding your hand in mine, walking down the aisle, Thinking in my mind, this is the beginning of eternity. Been so anxious, waiting for this day for a while, now I so glad that I now can say, forever you and me. You are suitable for each and every of my desires, My heart will always burn with this passionate fire. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
this is good, but it could be better........read this and tell me what you honestly think.....it was too wordy My arms wrap and try to keep you warm We looked at the sky and the clouds. I felt secure with a bond never torn my inner voice says it's true love I found. For the love I have undeniable thirst, Baby girl, I swear, you'll always come first. You give a sense of knowing, that we'll last A sense of knowing, that the dye is cast A sense of knowing, we're an unshakable pair, A sense of knowing, that my life I'll share. I hold your hand, walking down the aisle, I'm thinking, eternity begins for us I'm filled with anxiety, waiting for this day and I'm glad I can say forever you and me. You are suitable for all of my desires, My hearts burns forever with passionate fire.< !signature--> "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 12-16-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the shift in rhymes here. You give the middle part and added dimension that works well. However, this is far too one sided to be completely satisfying. You begin and end at the same point with no tension. Your love is forever. Fine, but you need to complexify this a bit to give it something that surprises the reader a little more. Suggestion: stay on the hillside (or whereever you are) and give us more of a desciption of that place showing the feelings you want to portray here. The concrete images might create the tension I'm looking for without have to put it in there specifically. Just an opinion, Brad |
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