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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Stacey New Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 9 |
Ice wings and lucid tears flow Across the ancient lands Cotton kiss and wise winds blow Into blazing new hands. Shimmer of the water clean Turbulent of deep blue Life from her sweet breast we wean Variant distant hue. Silver moonlight rays abound Twilight schemes rise within Sage and mint cover the ground Subtle music begin. Hot fires molten below Magic is in full bloom Flames lick the knowing old soul Deep inside nature's womb. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Stacey Guillory - All Rights Reserved | |||
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m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
I liked it. I like the abstract style that u have decided to use. Keep it up. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
"Ice wings and lucid tears flow Across the ancient lands Cotton kiss and wise winds blow into blazing new hands." the last line in this is clunky, try: blazing in new hands" and then read it back to yourself., Also the meter has to flow. Shimmer of the water clean Turbulent (TURBULANCE?) of deepEST blue Life from her sweet breast we wean Variant AS distant hue. FILLED IN YOUR METER...OR TRIED TO  "Silver moonlight rays abound Twilight schemes WILL rise within Sage and mint TO COVER ground Subtle music WILL begin." READ IT AND SEE THE DIFFERENCE? "Hot fires molten below Magic is in full bloom Flames lick the knowing old soul Deep inside nature's womb." BURNING FIRE THAT MELTS BELOW MAGIC IN FULL BLOOM FLAMES THAT LICK THE KNOWING SOUL DEEP IN NATURE'S WOMB. Meter is everything in poetry. I hope this helped a little, take what you need, if anything and leave the rest! "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Well done! But, um, that thing what she said! ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Greetings, Stacey: I could be wrong, but I thought I sensed a bit of Pagan in this. The problem is that it didn't come across as clearly as it could have. Your images were all interesting, but in my opinion, they failed to flow together to allow the reader to see the big picture. At one point, I thought you might be referring to earth-worship in general; then later, it seemed you might be describing a ritual of some sort. So which is it..? On first reading this, it seemed to me that you were trying to make the last line a bit shorter than the rest, perhaps for effect. When I went back, I discovered that in fact the second and fourth lines of each stanza were identical in syllable count. I'm not sure what exactly gave me that first impression -- perhaps the fact that there are fewer words if not necessarily syllables in the last lines of s2 and s3. Intentional or unintentional, it worked for me -- I thought it added a bit more depth and uniqueness to your structure. Overall, my advice would be to flesh this out a little, either by making it longer or taking one of your images and exploring it more completely. Regards, --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Stacey, Since this seems to be your 10th post, I guess you are new to CA. So, welcome to CA, I'm sure you will enjoy it here. I'd like to second most of what Irish Rose said about meter and such. Although I might not change everything in the same way she did, I think something along those lines would improve the read. That is, at least for us traditionalists in the crowd. BTW, I don't think she meant either to dictate how the changes should be made, but only to present examples of how the meter, and thus the flow, might be made a little smoother. Thanks for the read, Pete |
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