»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Something I've got Cooking in my Basement
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Something I've got Cooking in my Basement |
|
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
OK I think I've done it. My big project in my basement, LOL. COmpose any old poem in iambic pentameter. This should be in iambic pentameter. It's not really meant to convey any sort of special message. It's just a computer. Just like how sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, lol. So here goes: You have a board of keys to help me change What is upon your screen so bright and clean. You have a mouse to help me find and click The things I want to run or read, on you. Your mem'ry holds vast loads of bits and bytes That can be loaded at the push of keys. The bits and bytes can then be shown upon The screen, as pictures or as text, therein. Your CPU, which is they key to all These things, is made of metal and of wires. It has the electronic gate in a Great mass and throng, all churning day and night. I hope this works as iambic pentameter. If not, I would appreciate anyone's input about how I could make it iambic... Thankyou for your attention. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Is this iambic pentameter? |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I'm a bit surprised no one has jumped in here to help out. So I'll do what I can. Remember though that this is all JMHO and we all know about opinions  It looks like you have a good start and most of your lines are good. As you must know by now, an iambic pentameter line is of the form:da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM | da-DUM because, as I said, most of these do conform. It is usually not enough though that a line can possibly be read that way. Instead, it is much better if it naturally does so. It is also true that some variations can help break the monotony of this rhythm, particularly in a longer piece. Such variations might take the form of an occasional trochee or spondee foot, most effectively at the beginning of a line. Sometimes even an extra syllablecan be inserted but this must be used carefully and usually at the beginning or end of a line or the duple meter tends to fall apart. These variations are much more acceptable and even effective if they reflect the content. Now to look specifically at your efforts, as I said, most is good so I will just point out what appears a bit off to me. I'll start with a minor point, first stanza, line 2 must be read as What IS / up-ON / your SCREEN / so BRIGHT / and CLEAN. in order to fit the form but if you read it naturally along with line 1, it really sounds more like WHAT is up/-ON your / SCREEN so / BRIGHT and / CLEAN. So although it can be read as iambic, it naturally reads otherwise and the content doesn't support this. Now second stanza. Line 1 reads as Your MEM-/'ry HOLDS / VAST LOADS / of BITS / and BYTES where the third foot is spondaic. Here, I think that is justified by the content so it is a good thing. The second line reads naturally as That can be / LOAD-ed / at the PUSH / of KEYS. Note that I left can and at unstressed. Well, scanning is not a perfect science Actually the line doesn't readd too badly and it is not unreasonable to stress those two words which then makes it iambic pentameter. But they commonly are, and this case is no exception, rather weak words which don't take stress all that well, if you understand what I am getting at. Rather than have two in the same line, you might change one of them to a stronger word, maybe something likeThat can be loaded just by pushing keys Now I don't mean to rewrite your poem but this says essentially the same thing but just more easily takes the stress than does at, I think. Now for the third stanza. All reads pretty well except the third line. I think we might get a bit of an argument from Philip here but in US usage, electronic cannot possibly fit the proposed meter. Instead the line comes out as It HAS / the e-lec-TRON-/ic GATE / in a which is difficult enough to read without trying to make it fit any specific rhythm. But I think even Philip would agree that the a at the end cannot be stressed, leaving the reader with a real speed bump if not a tongue twister. Well, as I said, this is all JMHO so take it for what it's worth. If you are pretty new to this sort of thing, and I assume you are based upon your comments with this post, then I think you have done a good job. Except for that one line (S3, L3) it is really acceptable as is and with just a couple of minor corrections it could be quite good. So keep it up and be sure to keep us posted on your progress. BTW, for a excellent example of iambic pentameter, Skyfyre has a short poem here in CA right now. I'll come back in a minute and give you the title (subject). You will notice that it has a couple of variations, A spondee foot or two at the beginning of lines and even an anapest (extra syllable) in the last line. All of her variations not only fit but are almost demanded by the content so they truly enhance the effect. I suggest you study that one in great detail and you will come to understand. < !signature--> Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein OK, her poem is "The Third Day" [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-15-2000).] |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Not_A_Poet: Thankyou for your indepth reply. I will take that poem you suggested and print it out, and then check out every transistor, nut, and bolt!(Metaphorically speaking, of course). About the word Electronic, there are, indeed, several pronunciations of it. I was using the stresses which the British(I think) use when saying it. Namely, they stress it thus: E|lec|TRON|ic. However, you are correct, the word a is not a very good idea, lol. I will try to revamp this poem in accordance to your suggestions, and then post the result here. About S1, L2, How does The things upon your screen so bright and clean sound? Thankyou again, for your reply. I will now check out that poem you suggested. |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
My take........ yes, it is iambic pentameter... iamb iamb iamb iamb iamb You have /a board/ of keys/ to help/ me change/ What is/ upon/ your screen /so bright/ and clean./ a mouse/ to help/ you find/ the keys/ and click/ The things/ I want/ to run /or read /to you./ Your mem/ory holds/ the bytes/ and all/ the bits/ They can/ be load/ed at /the push/ of keys./ The bits/ and bytes /can then/ be shown /upon/ The screen,/ as pic/tures or /as text /therein./ Your C/PU,/ which is/ the key/ to all/ These things/,is made/ of met/al and /of wires./ and e/lectron/ic gates /compassed /throughout/ a mass/ of throng/, all churn/ing day /and night. < !signature--> "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 12-16-2000).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
