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Skating Lesson
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Skating Lesson |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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the lady fumbled with her skates, she'd not done this before, she watched him glide around the rink, spinning and twirling, moving as gracefully, as a sailboat on gently rolling waves. she finally stood, feet slightly splayed, and stepped onto the ice, she stood...frozen, till he stopped before her, grasped her hand, try, he said, I'll help you, I will not let you fall. slowly she moved, one foot before the other, three times around the rink they went, more confident she soon became. he reached, lifting her hand above her head, she twirled quite gracefully, then he let go, and raced away, hoping she would follow. she was soon in hot pursuit, he stopped and waited for her, watched her glide ever closer, with eyes growing wider, as she came barreling upon him. they collided with a thud, and as she laid atop him, his back against the ice, their arms around each other tight, she softly whispered, you never showed me how to stop. Kris < !signature--> All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Sounds like a metaphor for a young love relationship when you read it as a whole. I don't think this is what you intended, but I read into everything! As when learning to skate, we definitely need to know how to put on brakes, and as young naive lovers do to especially when the relationship is ending..as the song goes breaking up is a hard thing to do. Thought it was an interesting poem, but I am not qualified to critic, just an observer. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I think Songbird hit pretty darn close on this one. I saw almost exactly the same metaphor then read the response to find the same interpretation. Pretty interesting read. Now I need to study a bit more and I'm sure I'll find more behind the scenes here. Okay, so much for the esthetics, now for the mechanics (but do remember that this is out of my league). For the most part, it just read smoothly but a couple of lines seemed to trip me up a bit. For example: quote: To start, effortlessly was a real mouthfull. I wonder if a smaller sounding word would work better here. Then the next line feels wrong. I'm not sure whether it is the idea of a sailboat flowing or the problem with smooth seas. Actually on a smooth sea, there is no wind and the sailboat just sits there  Or, maybe the line just reads too long.quote: Nice! but there is a typo (ontp) in the second line. In the third stanza, quote: I'm not sure about "he reached her hand" being proper subject/verb usage. You may be right but it just sounds wrong to me. quote: I think I would prefer a prettier word in place of thud but otherwise this one is also very nice. It seems to be getting a bit warm though. Was the collide and thud maybe a reference to cars again? Pete Oops, did I forget to say that I really enjoyed reading?  [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-07-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Songbird, That was close...very close to my intention in this piece. I thank you muchly for reading and for posting your comments. Pete, Firstly...NO...it is not about cars! Secondly, what would I do without you to catch all my typos, Mr. Eagle Eye? There was supposed to be another word after "reached", and I left it out. I've been getting a bit careless lately in that department.  I remember now that you are a sailor...I know nothing about it, and of course, you are right. I'll work on that. As far as "thud" goes...that's exactly what would happen in a scenario like this, so I think that'll stay. I thank you, Pete, as usual for helping me out...and you are more qualified to do so than most of us. Now I'll get to editing... Kris All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again, Well, I don't want to labor the point but. In the first line you say she "fumbled with her skates". don't we usually fumble with our keys instead. "She'd not done this before" (first driving lesson maybe) "collided with a thud", "she laid on top of him." And there are several others. I suggest again that this really could be just another metaphor for cars. BTW, I like your changes. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
LOL Pete, if you want it to be cars, so it shall be. |
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