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Cerulean Surrender Revised
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Cerulean Surrender Revised |
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KokoStewartKoomoa Senior Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 580Waikiki, Hawaii 
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Cerulean Surrender (revision) A Sonnet The pounding of the surf upon smooth sand Soft foam curls gently over velvet beach; The whisper of the breeze cries it's command Revealing I am whom it seeks to reach The wind calls out of your sweet love for me Warm breath of salty air, now courts my soul With essence of your kiss so heavenly; You fill my emptiness and make me whole. Enfolded in the arms of your embrace A harbor safe at last from raging storm; I dearly long to look upon your face Disclosing tenderness and love so warm. Surrendering, the shore receives the sea; Enraptured, I too yield so willingly. Thanks for critiquing this poem Passion,imagination and intellect running together... Poetry in motion~~~ Aloha with warmest regards, Koko [This message has been edited by KokoStewartKoomoa (edited 12-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Cheryl Stewart Koomoa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Aloha!! Hawaii, hmmmmmmmmmmm? Only my favorite place on earth...I'd live there if I could afford it. Anyway...you have a beautiful sonnet here. The words are well-chosen, creating wonderful imagery. I should have read the first one, but since I haven't...here goes... "The pounding of the surf upon smooth sand Soft foam curls gently over velvet beach; The whisper of the breeze cries it's command Revealing I am whom it seeks to reach" You've got the meter down fairly well, but the second line isn't quite as strong as the other lines. When I first read it, I read it as da-da-da-dum-da-dum-da-da-dum-da. One could force it into the meter, but I feel that it's better to use words that fall naturally into the rhythm. I think if you fix this one line, you will have a perfectly lovely sonnet. The only other thing I might suggest is punctuation. You already do use some, and I think using it throughout would polish it up. These are only suggestions of MHO to do with as you wish, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and am glad to see another sonnet writer come in to CA. Kris < !signature--> All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-06-2000).] |
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