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Critical Analysis #1
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Lloyd
Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17
Torquay, Vic. Australia

0 posted 2000-11-21 06:51 PM



Old Man (Gruel)

Old man, staring at the ground,
Take up your life and walk
With scuffed black shoes and worn out coat
To the kitchen of the sad,
And rows of empty souls
Fed sloppy mash and beans,
Life boiled out of them.
Take up your life and walk, old man.
Grey threadbare blanket and cheap wine
To keep the cold world out.
Grey skies and grey life
Made up of long grey days.
Walk old man,
Take up your life and walk,
Silently shuffle,
Forget,
And be forgotten.

© Copyright 2000 Lloyd - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2000-11-22 09:53 AM


Hi Lloyd,

You picked an unusual subject here. BTW, I don't think I've seen your name before so, welcome to CA, it's always good to see another voice in here.

As I said, this is an unusual subject which I think would be very difficult to write poetry about. So, I salute you for stepping up to the challenge. However, it doesn't work too well for me. I'm sure there will be others who like it though. My complaint lies not with the treatment so much as with the subject matter itself. You paint a hopeless picture with no possibility of redemption. The whole thing is just too dark for my taste.

Well, this is just one biased opinion so now let's wait for what others may have to say. I still salute you for tackling the subject in a credable manner.



Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

2 posted 2000-11-22 03:23 PM


This is sad and true, and not at all too dark for my taste. In fact, this is happening as I write.  I did feel as if there was no life here, in the sense of a description or clue to allow the reader to see this character.  He seems so generic, not worthy of a second look. The subject matter and the angle from which you approach it is good though.  I'd suggest you work it over.  

And welcome.

Lloyd
Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17
Torquay, Vic. Australia
3 posted 2000-11-23 12:57 PM


Thanks for the welcome and the comments

Pete

The air of hopelessness was deliberate and was probably the underlying thought behind the poem so I guess I should take .

YeshuJah

Similaly the facelessness was intentional but I do take your point that it doesn't allow identification with the character. I'll put my thinking cap on  

Thanks again for taking the time to comment

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
4 posted 2000-11-23 01:05 PM


Hello Lloyd...I'm new at critiquing...and I'm also known for writing about "lessons"...I was wondering if it was your intent to see the old man, although downtrodden, go and give of himself at the food kitchen, to serve those even less fortunate than himself, so as not to be forgotten...

it will be interesting to see the thoughts progress...


Karilea
If I whisper, will you listen?...
I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound.
KRJ




Lloyd
Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17
Torquay, Vic. Australia
5 posted 2000-11-24 04:59 AM


Hi Sunshine,
Thanks for the comments

My intent was to reflect the blandness and hopelessness of the life of the old man who has been deserted and forgotten by society.

ie  the food and the men have had the life boiled out of them

Any comments about structure ?

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

6 posted 2000-11-24 02:46 PM


Hi Lloyd and wecome to CA,

I agree the picture is of dire hopelessness, and there are many who feel this way due to life circumstances...but as long as there is life, there is hope. Perhaps if, at the end, you included some tiny spark...

It almost sounds as if there is a bit of anger here also...am I wrong?

If this is the picture you set out to paint, you've painted well.

Kris

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein


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