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artsygrl
Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55
Florida

0 posted 2000-11-18 02:59 PM





      Golem


      Painful entangle
      Of threads upon heart
      "Kiss me my faithful friend"
      Against my arguing my heart screams this in a  
      Feeling lost on my own comprehension
      As my body feels a drawing upon your lips,
      And I know within a moment I will be              
      Recollected,
      Hoping nothing more was shown or seen

      How I ached for rituals end of placidity and  
      Reasoning,
      And you speak words like an acquaintance          
      speaks in a polite chime,
      And feel the love behind kind eyes

      Your words spoken like a Good Samaritan to        
      save heart.
      You feel some need to speak to me like you're      
      a little girl's leading
      And treat me like a brotherly mentor stroking
      to save face, or grace, or reasoning,
      All for feelings, for me or mine?

      But you do not know how my heart embarks in
      it's painful bargaining

      For I would never lesson pride for one who
      does not want to hold me,
      So I denied you long ago
      And I have tried in vanity's pain to let go

      Gold smith of heaven or of heart has weakened
      my desire to fight,
      and weaves this pain inside entranced in a        
      heart's longing  that I can only see
      in light of night's eyes,
      when I have no choice or escape from time,
      It laughs unremorseful in innocence,
      Refusing to not bestow it's gift,
      And aches to remind me that I do not want it's
      mater's weaving

      Artistry of love's being,
      a gift
      not allowed, unalloyed to detail or to show
      not allowed to show it's intricate motions

      And I anger at its threading
      Because I do not know why it exist
      When my head does not want it

      For my friend, dare I say that, one who might
      be kind but is so
      undeserving

      I am not a child to be spoken to, but then        
      again my eyes deceive my
      Action's reasoning
      Weave me a symbol only in a ring
      Placed upon my reality
      Reality's principle edged in magical dreams
      Of the one who can place it and not be dreamed
      In a goldthread of unpleasing ,unreasoning,  
      woven feelings

      This is refused not agreement of heart's head
      I will die in what is not meant to be

      As you talk again like words spoken from a  
      golem's mouth
      I sit back knowing you must glimpse my eyes
      Betrayal,
      But I will not give up my pride
      To show you how I feel
      For even though love is woven in a beautiful  
      Entrance,
      It's not real
-Barbara M. Brewer-


© Copyright 2000 artsygrl - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-11-19 01:30 AM


Welcome to CA, Barbara,

Critique is the name of the game here, so I hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions.

I think you have the makings of a pretty good poem here, but it needs some tightening up...it rambles a bit. Taking out unneeded words and phrases, and perhaps changing a couple of them wouldn't hurt (not sure what you meant by,"a little girl's leading"). There are also a few typos that need attention, one of which is confusing (7th stanza).

There are quite a few phrases I really liked..."Painful entangle
         Of threads upon heart",

      "How I ached for rituals end of    
       placidity and  
       Reasoning," and

      "Weave me a symbol only in a ring
       Placed upon my reality"
        
      
With some tweaks, this could be a knockout-poem. Nice work.
mia      

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

artsygrl
Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55
Florida
2 posted 2000-11-19 08:34 AM


thank you so much mia, yes I desperatly need criticism, rather constructive criticism, I have learned the difference and very much want to improve my poetry which has always been too free(rambles)if you know what I mean..Thanks for the advice..I wasn't sure if I should introduce myself or not....I like what I see so far around here...
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-11-19 10:20 PM


I like the some of the golden imagery here but think you should try to show the reader more of what happened in this relationship rather than explaining what happened. You want to bring the reader in and make him or her feel the way you feel rather than forcing us into our own memories of what this might be like (ironically, if you show us this story, the memories will also trigger but will probably be more vivid).

A couple of examples:

How I ached for rituals end of placidity and  
      Reasoning,
      And you speak words like an acquaintance          
      speaks in a polite chime,
      And feel the love behind kind eyes

--I would give us those words and try to show the polite chime (nice touch, though).

You mention various forms of speaking at least four times (and variations on communication even moreso) but there is very little communication actually being shown.

Why not see what happens?

Just an opinion,
Brad



Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-11-20 12:15 PM


Hi Barbara,

Sorry, out of time right now but did want to welcome you to the CA forum. I'm sure you'll enjoy it here.

Pete

artsygrl
Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55
Florida
5 posted 2000-11-20 07:05 PM


Awesome Brad, this is exactly the kind of stuff I need to sink my teeth into, the knowledge to grow...the ability to see things outside of my view to work on....thanks for the wonderful advice you got me thinking in a whole new way...*smile*
artsygrl
Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55
Florida
6 posted 2000-11-20 07:10 PM


well how sweet of you to the take the time to greet me...It is very much appreciated *smile* I think you have a wonderful thing here, there is allot of knowledge here to be learned...
Mirrors are scarry sometimes, so it took me a while....*smile*
thanks Pete...

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