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Piece of Pie
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Piece of Pie |
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The Poetic Plumber Junior Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 38 |
What suites your fancy, day to day And molds your future, anyway Do dreams desire what's not real To bring you down, you broken wheel Look to your soul in pure delight Accept your standing, with no fright Beware! Your piece of pie can't go The day you die, thank God it's so If life holds court on you each day You're nothing but a wretched stray Hold back that tide which tempts your will And reach for heaven, standing still Roger J. Robicheau |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Poetic Plumber <- cool, I like that. I like the rhythm of this. And the message, inspiring and uplifting. "Hold back that tide which tempts your will And reach for heaven, standing still" I really love these two lines. With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Roger, I don't think I've seen your name here before so, Welcome to CA. Now to talk a bit about your poem. But first, this is all just one unqualified and uneducated opinion, so take it for what it's worth. To start off, I like rhyming couplets. But they can be difficult to pull off. There is a real tendency to sound trite or trivial. The most common cause, I believe, is when it gives the impression that the words were chosen only to make the rhymes work, forced rhymes. As I read it, you have some of those problems. For example, look at lines 3 and 4. quote: I just don't see the relevance of "broken wheel" except to rhyme with real. While on those lines, the meter or rhythm of the first is off a bit. It seems to need another unstressed syllable before real, maybe change not to never or something like that. Also, I think it is a mistake to break it into 2 line stanzas. This only serves to emphasize the couplet nature. I think they read much better if that nature is somewhat concealed. Let the poem just flow and let the reader make the discovery of the couplets but have to think a bit to do so. Next, you really need some enjambment, again to the same end, conceal the couplet nature. All of your couplets end a sentence (logical that is) and in fact, most of your individual lines do also. Again, this just serves to emphasize the couplet nature of the poem. Now I confess that I really don't know what I am talking about but that is my impression anyway. Before writing any more couplets and maybe even before attempting to revise this one (that is if you choose to do so) I suggest you study some others. The best suggestion I have is Poe's "Alone", IMHO anyway. I think you have chosen a good topic, although one that has been done many times. But I also think your approach is fresh enough to proceed. BTW, I too liked the last two lines. Okay, this is just an opinion. Thanks Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Roger: Welcome to CA. I like rhyming couplets too but the format you are using for this poem (simple rhyme scheme, eight syllables per line) is typical of comedic verse. You're poem wasn't funny and I found that a little distracting. But I can get past the format. The theme, on the other hand, is too general, in my opinion. Who is being addressed? What "standing" are you referring to? What aspects of life are "holding court"? I suppose what I am getting at is, I want to read more. Thanks for posting and again, welcome to CA. Jim |
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Flower Power Junior Member
since 2000-07-26
Posts 29Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |
Hi, Not a Poet, you know exactly what you're talking about. I agree with you totally that some of the rhymes seemed forced just for the sake of rhyming and that enjambments would be an excellent idea. And I agree with Jim that the topic is not narrow enough. What are you talking about? I guess what I'd really like to see are the struggles of the other person rather than simply the narrator giving advice. But I do think that you have a good thing going. Keep working at it. Stephanie. "Can anything be sadder than work unfinished? Yes: work never begun." ~Christina Rossetti |
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