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Sentry (re-post from poetry #10)
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Sentry (re-post from poetry #10) |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa 
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Hi, I recently posted this in poetry 10, and this is my first in the critical analysis forum. I have submitted this because I feel that people have missed the point. I know that poetry is open to interpritation by the reader, but maybe this poem is too ambiguous, and that lack of expertice on my part can change the whole nature of the piece. I welcome any comments. Be as brutal as you like . Thank you for your time Olias. Sentry (return to goose green) We stumbled giddy down the frigid hill, Gagging over drizzled grass and stone, Behind the murderous winter slag of sky, Ahead the ragged barn, A garment for our nudity, We rushed into its tattered folds, In exposures desperation, Threw caution to the sniperous wind, And fear reached down my throat, At what I found within. No fear in him, before us, Huddled, weapon ready, Steady gaze at our entrance, Grin of triumph, at our stupidity, I fumbled without aim, And fired, Full in his chest, the hit, Motionless, without remark, He never blinked an eye, So fear gouged my open mouth, Until the revelation, A frozen mockery of man, Absent without leave from that tired carcass, Beyond bullets or nature now, But duty bound by rigor, So fear released our tears, unashamed, And we blessed our luck, And blessed the weather. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Mick Yates - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
olias really enjoyed this! not having a TV i was spared most of the ghastly images of the Falklands war but picked up sufficient to know that the opening gives a pretty good overview of what it was like climatically and topographically! As i said to someone else here not long ago i love poems full of allusion and metaphor and with the odd little surprised or "explosion". You achieved both well in this piece, and also threw in some convincing images. Nice ironic closure too. I just wonder whether perhaps the line "until the revelation" gives a slight artificially at that point, it's almost as if the narrator intruded into the story too much and says "HEY look I'm about to spill the beans! - the guy was dead all along - frozen". I wondered in fact whether you could have done without that line and just relied on words like "frozen" and "rigor" to trigger the reader's understanding.... these kind of provoke a flashback to the earlier clues in the poem as well: "no fear in him before us" and "steady gaze" and the "grin of triumph" which later is shown to be a fairly horrible irony. more broadly the more general observation about the haphazardness and chaos of front line battle comes through very well in the poem. the irony is that survival depends not so much upon clever planning from comfortable headquarters as the weather and luck. natural human responses of fear and a search for warmth and sustenance can override any amount of military training. a quick run through the poem: We stumbled giddy down the frigid hill, >>> nice easy iambic opening Gagging over drizzled grass and stone, >>> and a switch to trochees which works Behind the murderous winter slag of sky, >>> wasn't too sure about "murderous" but i think you get away with it and the sky image works for me overall >>>A comma after "Behind," might help to clarify meaning and also after "Ahead," below Ahead the ragged barn, A garment for our nudity, >>> humm...again i struggled a little at first with the novel idea of a barn being "ragged" and a garment - but yes, i think it's good - and of course plays on the whole exposure thing.....physically exposed certainly - exposed to the cold exposed to snipers BUT also mentally exposed or should i say over-exposed.... reserves used up..careless of the physical danger and ironically seeking a basic human need ..."warmth" even at the expense of the "artificial" (rather than natural) dangers of a snipers bullet. Nice. We rushed into its tattered folds, >>> continuing the clothing metaphor ..good In exposures desperation, >>> think exposures should be exposure's, no? ....this line came off just a little ordinary, not cliche just ordinary! Threw caution to the sniperous wind, >>> really liked this image ... you have something good going by now...! And fear reached down my throat, >>> humm ...not too fond of this for some reason! At what I found within. No fear in him, before us, >>> repetition of fear may be out of place? and the grammar sounds odd in the second line Huddled, weapon ready, Steady gaze at our entrance, Grin of triumph, at our stupidity, I fumbled without aim, And fired, Full in his chest, the hit, Motionless, without remark, >>> i like the way you've broken this up with pauses and line breaks - it gives a kind of jerky old movie like quality which somehow seems to enhance the horrific and farcical moment. He never blinked an eye, So fear gouged my open mouth, >>> this is too much "fear" IMHO ..you have fear reaching down your throat and now its gouging your mouth ..i think its pretty obvious by now that your speaker is terrified out of his wits, I'd drop one or other of the fear lines......probably both! Until the revelation, >>> mentioned above A frozen mockery of man, Absent without leave from that tired carcass, >>> liked the incorporation of the army phrase Beyond bullets or nature now, >>> "or nature" borders on cliche IMHO But duty bound by rigor, >>> liked So fear released our tears, unashamed, >>> "fear" again ...definitely overdone ..you need to stop SAYING it and SHOW it And we blessed our luck, And blessed the weather >>> deceptively mild closure ..adds to the irony - good nice job olias. now a quick word aimed not only at you i hasten to add. recently quite a few "regulars" from elsewhere in passions have posted to CA asking for input to a poem. some have received a good deal of attention but then simply never responded or taken any further part in the forum. CA relies upon feedback and discussion, not to mention a "giving" attitude from its participants - i don't think there are any "set" rules on this, but it would sure be nice if those who post here, even as a one-off, would try and make a few comments on a few of the other poems currently at the top of the board. this is certainly the best way to show appreciation and thank you for the attention received on yours as well as a valuable contribution to the liveliness of the forum. ok, olias, sorry to hi-jack your thread for that..lol..I'm off my soap box now..!!  thanks for the read  Philip PS one last lil point.... "rigor" should be "rigour" this was an English/Argentinian action yanno !!! j/k btw [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 11-13-2000).] |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Olias, read this one in Open, but here again, and I still enjoy it. Philip, I think I am afraid of you Guess I am going to have to offer my own, I've been reading and commenting on every one else's I feel weird. |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Poertree, Thanks for taking the time and the considerable effort to give me your views, I'm very greatful to and I know time is a precious commodity, so Ill get down to it, first I would have liked to have left out the line "until the revelation" but the worry of ambiguity overcame me and I wimped out. I wasn't at all happy with the "fear" lines at all so I'm in total agreement, but I was and still am a little concerened about how to show the emotion of fear without gettting into long descriptions, I needed to keep up the tension and pace at this point in the piece, I felt if I lingered it would detract from the underplay at the end, I will take everything you have said on board and try a rewrite. As far as commenting on other peoples work on the forum, I suppose I should bite the bullet, although I feel a little like a fish out of water ( hows that for cliche, lol) Thanks once again Olias. Dragonpoe, Thanks for the two responses and for your kind words. I say submit a piece, put a toe in the water its not as chilly as I once thought. Regards Olias. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
olias - btw ..i should have said before welcome to CA, and thanks for your response to my reply..... quote: >>>np ...that's how we all felt at first after a while you learn to live on air ...lol >>> check out the posting guidelines at the top of the reply screen, and also check out brads post on "critiquing" (bringing it to the top again)and the interesting link posted recently in one of the replies to that thread. see ya P |
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