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Critical Analysis #1
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Mendy
Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34


0 posted 2000-11-11 09:17 AM


I want to carry my roots with me,

I want to carry my roots with me,
where ever I go
who ever tags along,
I want them all to know
that my sustenance is not based
on attaching all my hopes - to an acre of soil
I want to grow - roots wrapped tightly in a coil
and planted safely in my heart
I want to be, without belonging or fitting in
without building a collection of useful things
rather gathering memories to call my own
and leaving poems !
as stepping stones across rivers into my soul< !signature-->



[This message has been edited by Mendy (edited 11-12-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Hilton Mendelsohn - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-11-11 12:25 PM


Welcome Mendy,

I call myself a free verser, and that is usually my reading preference also. Your introductory poem here was quite enjoyable to me, however, and seemed almost to be a nice blend of both free and rhyming verse. It had some qualities of both. Watch out for Brad, though...he dislikes the words,"heart", and "soul"(he's a tough one, he is, but a nice guy).

Since this is your introduction, I won't offer any serious critique...only a big "Wecome to CA!".
mia

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

2 posted 2000-11-11 01:58 PM


Let me add my enthusiastic welcome as well!  I assume you posted here because you wanted input, so I'll give you my feelings.  The first eight lines of your poem read quite nicely to me.  But then the next two lines, change the flow a little bit -- kind of clog it up, so to speak.  I like 'rather gathering memories to call my own/ and leaving poems!'  Very nice!!  Then the last line -- does nothing for me.  To me it reads contrived and ordinary.  I'd re-write it in the softer tone that you use in the first eight lines.  I'm in Brad's camp about using soul and heart -- too obvious and overused.  

This is a nice poem overall.  I enjoyed reading it and I think it shows great promise.  Good luck!  

Mendy
Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34

3 posted 2000-11-12 04:59 AM


Thanks Mia and Marq, I am still trying to learn and take your advice on board - (I'm afraid of Brad) now but I will work on this poem some more and see if I can apply your guys advice

if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-11-13 10:04 AM


Hi Wendy,

Just another big "Welcome to CA."



Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

dragonpoe
Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608
Palm Bay, Florida
5 posted 2000-11-13 11:44 AM


Hello. I am new here, too.
I like what this poem says, I got tangled up in the meter after the first three lines, it jumped  a bit, then smoothed out, and I was able to finish and enjoy the piece.

The Poetic Plumber
Junior Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 38

6 posted 2000-11-14 10:23 PM


Well!  I am also a newcomer.  This is a fast growing forum I guess.  Now for my analysis.  I can tell you are not a material person, and I think that is great.  I also thought the poem flowed very well.  I like it just as it is.  Roger


Mendy
Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34

7 posted 2000-11-15 06:53 AM


Thanks guys for welcoming me and Roger for restoring a some of trhe confidence I lost - I intentionally wrote this using both rhyme and blank verse because Thats how my thoughts form themselves in my mind. On reflection I think the 'heart and 'soul references could be improved upon to show more individuality and perhaps be a little more original - I appreciate all the input
Thanks again

if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru

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