Shimmerings (repost from...er, somewhere)

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Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

0 posted 2000-11-05 12:53 PM

OK guys and gals, I seem to be on somewhat of a poetical hiatus right at the moment, and I am at my wit's end trying to find some sort of muse. So as a last-ditch effort, I thought I would throw one of my free-verse pieces out there to be ripped to shreds, in the hopes of mustering enough ire to start writing worthwhile poetry again!

Thanks in advance for your opinions ...

Shimmerings

You were
                 my making and misfortune,
Bright serpent, decked in iridescent scale –
                 you rendered my dying beautiful – and yet
Somehow, I never felt the venom's fervor less;
You smiled, and
                 the heavens paused their whirlings
If a moment only, taking note; you held the sunlight,
It seemed, or it held you -- as though the beams,
                 careening earthward in their death-descent,
Clambered to caress you, glorious end
                 to golden existence, too-fleeting --
Spent and splintered to rainbow-flickerings
                 by your kaleidoscopic soul.

Mesmerized, I marveled
                 as only youth can manage, taken wholly;
Your colors glitter-danced across
                 the canvas of my eyes, bewitching them with strangeness.
For I was only of ochre and stormclouds, somber residence
                 to shelter such a lucent heart.
My shadows
Could not suffer you – "Bright nemesis," they raged,
                 "how came you to this dim retreat?  Begone!" –
But you never heard, and I,
                   I never heeded.

And so, upon that sudden Winter
                 when sunlight failed, and hues withered
In the bleak regard of swiftly-fading year,
                 I rent the weaving of my spirit, tailoring the ruin
To cloak your shame, the unaccustomed dusk
                which mocked your stolen gleam.
I waited by,
Naked in my hope, in the ache of disillusion,
                cradling my bright-plumed bird, broken in his exile
From skies which once adored him.
I bound your wounds in borrowed strength,
               and washed them with tears ...

I wonder if they were the same
              as those which flowed at the eventual dawn
When you flew from me, your mosaic restored
              and my monochrome forgotten, an unquiet dream
Burned from memory by the proximal star;
Did I weep, I wonder, or was it
              only your melting of my snows?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-11-08 05:38 PM

The images here reminded me of the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent. I really wish you would have expanded that idea a bit more -- right now it seems such an interesting point is clouded in the dichotomy between dark (you) and light (other). I think it's this static display that ultimately doesn't do your own writing justice. Let the theme flow a little bit more.

Structurally, I found the alliteration a little heavy handed (I think this is perhaps just an idiosyncrasy of mine though -- many people here love that kind of stuff). I thought at first you were trying to imitate Beowulf or other Old English stuff but you don't follow through with that (nor am I convinced that it would work here anyway but it might, it just might).

Overall, an interesting poem that I think needs a little more freedom to see where it might end up.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-11-09 12:05 PM

Linda,

I always find myself fascinated by your writing. And this is no exception, although it is not one of my favorites. You have woven the metaphors into a smooth fabric with just enough knobbyness here and there to catch the readers attention without being distracting. I admire the way you seem to do that.

Well, as I said, this is not really one of my favorites, perhaps due to its complexity. I'll try to study it a bit more and maybe have more to say later. Meanwhile, I'm bumping it back to the top in hopes others will also try to comment. There's simply too much here to get no more than it has so far.

Thanks,
Pete

dragonpoe
Senior Member

since 2000-11-12

Posts 608
Palm Bay, Florida

3 posted 2000-11-13 12:16 PM

I was captured from the very beginning and just whisked away to the end! Wow, I really like this piece.
On a critique, though, I notice that towards the end you jumped from "I and You" to "I and Him" them back to the "You"
I like the "I and You" more personal that way. I don't know if that was intended or just a slip.
Overall, this, to me, was a fantastic read.

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