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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-11-01 07:59 PM

I owe you nothing!
Debt was the herald of my birth,
and I could spend the rest of
my paltry esxistence paying.

You call me the lowest
of the low, judge me in the throes
of your pain because I fainted
beneath your burden of trust.

We crossed paths
and hung our hearts where
our intentions couldn’t reach,
repeated ill advised vows
and spread our hopes like nets
hoping time would fetch our dreams.
Reality never left 'cause it was never here,
dreams were the lynchpins of our tent.

Now we're down to giving
each other grief over the mundane.
This is not about me, or you,
or whatever else it appears to be.

Its about our common obligation
to fulfill every moment
without the constant distraction
this contractual arrangement affords,
while demanding time and space
without commensurate rewards.

It is a one way street plush with
the corpes of those who tried
and couldn't turn back.
I, would rather not!

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-11-01 10:46 PM

Yesh,

This is different for you, or you are a very diverse writer. Sounds like a marriage in its very last moments. I think you describe it well (minus a coupla typos).

I very much liked the following stanza:

"We crossed paths
and hung our hearts where
our intentions couldn’t reach,
repeated ill advised vows
and spread our hopes like nets
hoping time would fetch our dreams.
Reality never left 'cause it was never here,
dreams were the lynchpins of our tent."

I like your work because you use common language in unusual ways, allowing depth,
yet understanding.

A sad poem, but one that touches over half of all marriages. You did a nice job telling it.
mia

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-11-02 03:46 PM

Yesh,

You do indeed have an uncommon ability to write about diverse subjects. And they are always very well crafted. This one is no exception. It seems maybe a little too prosey for my taste but I have to say it is still interesting and very well worded.

You made clear the point of the failing marriage, an all too common a problem in our society.

Well done,
Pete

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

3 posted 2000-11-03 11:40 AM

mia,
thank you for reading and commenting on the poem.
'I like your work because you use common language in unusual ways, allowing depth,
yet understanding.' This is the comment I like most of all the others I have received as a writer. It is so, because I strive to use so called 'common' language to forge the depth of meaning they hold for us all in their everyday usage. Jesus is my icon in this regard. What we have of his recorded words indicate that he used the vernacular of the common person to reveal eternal truths that still resonate today. Thank you.

Pete,
thanks for your comment. I try, as I write, or think about the characters I write about, to move away from my own visions, perceptions, ideas, attitudes and such. That's where I want to write. I appreciate the comment regarding the wording of this, wording is one of the more difficult skills to master if one wants to stay within the commonly used language. Thank you.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2000-11-03 05:35 PM

YeshuJah:

I liked the poem. A little more depth now.

quote:
I owe you nothing!
Debt was the herald of my birth,
and I could spend the rest of
my paltry esxistence paying.

Mia has already mentioned the typos. I think you do something to strengthen the first line. The exclamation tells me after the first line that it was to be read emphatically but the second line did a much better job of sounding authoritative. I think much of this is about meter compare:

"i OWE / you NOTH - / -ing!
DEBT was / the HER- / -ald OF / my BIRTH"

The trochaic inversion at the beginning of the second line gives the beginning of the line force then allows the following feet to rush forward as if in response to the force of "DEBT". Even though your poem is arguably "free-verse", you are using rhythm to your advantage in the majority of your lines. The iambic dimeter of the first line is a soft start to a first line that wants to yell in defiance, "Nothing! I owe you nothing!"

quote:
You call me the lowest
of the low, judge me in the throes
of your pain because I fainted
beneath your burden of trust.

The more I read these four lines, the more I question their placement. The next stanza (I think appropriately) backs us up into some history behind why this relationship is failing. It seems to me that the second stanza would do better to follow the little bit of history your offer. Just an opinion.

quote:
We crossed paths
and hung our hearts where
our intentions couldn’t reach,
repeated ill advised vows
and spread our hopes like nets
hoping time would fetch our dreams.
Reality never left 'cause it was never here,
dreams were the lynchpins of our tent.

This is a strong stanza. "Hopes" and "hoping" are a little close together (considering their similarity) but, besides that, the wording is strong and the dragnet simile is effective.

quote:
Now we're down to giving
each other grief over the mundane.
This is not about me, or you,
or whatever else it appears to be.

Its about our common obligation
to fulfill every moment
without the constant distraction
this contractual arrangement affords,
while demanding time and space
without commensurate rewards.

It is a one way street plush with
the corpes of those who tried
and couldn't turn back.
I, would rather not!

I also think these lines are, for the most part, very well written.  The alliteration and rhyme in the second of the above stanzas was well hidden and well executed.  The last line is a little confusing, however.

"I would rather not!"  Rather not try to turn back?  Turn back and go against the flow of traffic on that "one-way street"?  And about those who tried ... those who tried what?  To persevere and make things work?  Or was it those who try to exit the "one-way street" without obeying the traffic laws?  This is confusing to me because it sounded as though you were acknowledging that neither of you were at fault and voicing the "marriage is not a fairy-tale" fact of life.

It's late in the day and my confusion may very well be an "It's not you, it's me" thing.

I'd appreciate some insight into that last stanza. Thanks.

Jim

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

5 posted 2000-11-04 05:43 AM

yesh

one thing your writing never fails to do is interest me. i never have that all too common phrase ringing in my head, "heard it all before", when i read your poems. That was again the case here. I agree with a lot of what jim says, not all, but once again i'm short of time to look at this in the detail he has done. somehow i feel it gets stronger towards the end particulary in the memorable phrase:

"plush with
the corpses"

(small typo on corpses btw)

thanks again yesh

philip

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

6 posted 2000-11-06 02:01 PM

jim, thanks for reading and commenting. Some of the suggestions you made may very well help this poem.

phillip, thank you for your kind comments on this one. I appreciate them.

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