Articulation - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2000-11-01 01:29 PM

she knocked lightly,
in trepidation,
for, though often in each others' company,
she'd not been here before.

the door opened slowly,
he spoke her name
as though he'd never voiced it,
reading her face,
as she stood in the doorway,
gazing at him,
enveloped in the amazement
of just being there,
when, suddenly, she realized
the chronic ache within her breast
had been replaced
with a throbbing surge of warmth.

he reached out, took her hand,
guided her through the doorway
till they stood so close
they could hear each other breathing.
the space between them,
which had troubled her so,
liquefied
as the two lovers stood face to face.

the front of his finger
brushed lightly down her cheek,
ever so slowly,
his eyes imaging words
she'd seen before,
but which now were three-dimensional.

her own eyes echoed the mirrored image,
as his hands floated
in continuous freeze-frame
to her neck, to her shoulders,
down her sides,
sliding glibly around her waist,
pulling her close,
into a kiss of exquisite articulation.

one that could never have fit onto a screen.

mia

[This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-01-2000).]

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-11-01 04:30 PM

sigh. mia, this is beautiful. to critique....

he ran the front of his finger

choose a more descriptive verb, and

her own eyes echoed in kind,

i wouldnt use "in kind"

thats all for now. fabulous job

luv Elyse

kid D
Member

since 2000-10-18

Posts 64

2 posted 2000-11-01 05:50 PM

ok, lol to critique this...first my heart would have to stop pounding so hard i could hear myself think...
this is beautiful...the stuff internet dreams are made of...

the first verse is perfect, love it...the way you phrase it is so perfect

for, though often in each others' company,
she'd not been here before.

the chronic ache within her breast
had been replaced
with a throbbing surge of warmth.

the space between them,
which had troubled her so,
liquefied

his eyes imaging words
she'd seen before,
but which now were three-dimensional.

pulling her close,
into a kiss of exquisite articulation.

one that could never have fit onto a screen.

sorry to almost paste the whole poem, but the above lines are perfect...I have never come to this point, past internet friendship..but like i said, this is what dreams are made of...really loved this mia

[This message has been edited by kid D (edited 11-01-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2000-11-01 08:21 PM

Elyse,

I'll think about those suggestions you made, and thank you for reading. I'm so glad you enjoyed this...looks like it's one of those poems women relate to better than guys. Too romantic for them, I guess, huh?

kid D,

I've never experienced this either...it is the stuff of dreams and imagination. You were sweet to be so generous with your praise. Glad you enjoyed, too.

luv ya both, mia

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-11-02 12:31 PM

Hi Mia,

I suppose this might be more of a "women's poem" but I still find that I can relate to it. Had to read it more than once to really absorb the impact and each time I do, it feels and becomes more personal.

Before I say any more, I remind you that free verse is not my forte

I see you have already addressed Elyse's suggestions. The revision looks good to me. You might still look at "the front of his finger" though. I think I know what you mean but am not sure a finger really has a front, as such.

This gave me an image of a secret romance, probably forbidden, perhaps both are married? Well, maybe not. Maybe I put too much into it but that's the impression I get.

I suppose some could argue that it reads a little too much like a romance novel but I think you have held back just enough to not fall into that category.

Well, anyway, I liked it even if none of the other guys step up here.

Thanks,
Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-11-02 01:33 PM

Thank you so much, Pete...you are more of a man than all of them...willing to admit to some of the same feelings we fairer? sex have, and to articulate them, not disguise them within undecipherable language.

I was not aware that you were not a free verser, but now that I think of it, the couple of works I've read have been structured...and very well done.

You are right about the finger...too late for me to edit, though. Would it be the "upper half of the outside of his finger"? Perhaps I should just say "his finger"...the former sounds quite awkward.

Thank you, Pete, again, for being so brave.
mia

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2000-11-02 01:47 PM

Whew . . . (stands up straight, sucks it in and smooths his remaining hair while trying to look nonchalant) Well, I guess you told them. Not sure though that I would do too much with the finger thing, maybe just tip of his finger. It's an important enough piece of the picture but you don't want to overly emphasize it.

BTW, I forgot to say that I loved your closing line. That's really a great description for a kiss.

Pete

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

7 posted 2000-11-02 04:36 PM

sheeeesh she's doing it again I just KNOW she is ...and i’m falling for it again ..but i cant help it ...

quote:
Thank you so much, Pete...you are more of a man than all of them...willing to admit to some of the same feelings we fairer? sex have, and to articulate them, not disguise them within undecipherable language.

EXCUSE ME Ms Mia ..ever heard of busy? ever heard of work? ..or offline?...or people who post long poems that need thorough reading before critiquing? ...geez

I'll have you know that Golden Boy Pete does not have a monopoly in simulated feminine feelings .......er ...... I mean genuine romantic deep felt feelings .....lol ..

actually i wanted to spend a while looking at this but no time now.  just to say that despite the terrific handicap of my maleness i actually loved the whole atmosphere of this poem although i might tinker with the wording in some places.  I have one “complaint” which is that the theme isn’t new - you achieve your effect not with surprises or “movement” or innovation but purely and simply by trying to involve the emotions of the reader in the experience - all credit to you therefore that you’ve mostly carried it off successfully - I’ll eat my hat though if you can keep doing it over and over and still hold my attention ......lol

the other small thing was that i didn’t like “glibly” ...i know that strictly it can mean ease and informality, but it has, where i come from at least, strong tones of insincerity or even deceit or at the very least lack of depth. Starting to know your writing i guess you’ve chosen it deliberately in what might appear a rather strange usage to describe hand movement because its more common usage (glib words or writing)  resonates with their earlier form of communication.  All the same though its connotations are all wrong for me.

But anyway, these are trivialities, a beautiful poem in many ways mia.  And if you’d care to dish out your e-mail address sometime I’ll prove i have a heart by sending some lurve poems ..and no I am not posting them on the forum ...lol ...and no it wasn’t a proposition..... (just a ploy to get your e-mail addr.....heh)

take care

philip

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

8 posted 2000-11-03 12:39 PM

mia,
this is haunting. Haunting, to me, because it seems written from the perspective of the female party here.  I find it interesting because it reveals so much about the different ways we think, or see things (male/female).  My one nit, which I never seem to be able to coherently explain, is what hits me as the lack of connectivity and flow in the progression of the character's thought process as revealed here. An example:
'as she stood in the doorway,
gazing at him,
enveloped in the amazement
of just being there,
when, suddenly, she realized
the chronic ache within her breast
had been replaced
with a throbbing surge of warmth'

The word suddenly jerks me here.  Up until this point I'm pretty much reading this with my mouth open like a bass on land, my mind is in a hush, then 'suddenly'  I find it hard to believe that the character, who is absolutely engrossed in this moment, can divest herself enough to make this observation.  I don't know that I am making myself clear here, but what I think has to happen to sustain the power of this, is to keep both reader and character in the same mind set.

That this is probably the most lengthy critique I have written about a poem on this forum, is testament to how much it captivated me.  This has great appeal.  Glad you posted it.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

9 posted 2000-11-03 12:54 PM

Mia:

This is not just a simple romantic poem (even though the format is a little simple). My guess is that this is a meeting of people who met on-line. There is much that is left untold here. Are they married? The knock on the door suggests that they have never met in person and I get the picture that the first meeting was at a hotel. At any rate, you've left enough out of the poem that I don't know whether to be happy for the couple or concerned for the woman.

Nice job at holding my attention through the poem and developing the theme.

Jim

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

10 posted 2000-11-03 05:45 PM

PT,

I apologize for having taken you (the reader) along for the ride

, but that is how I usually write. I also apologize for the theme (used, tired to you, always new to me)

It seems to me that you know the meaning of the wors "glib" very well, and use it in the British connotation in your entire reply.

I meant it as easy and fluent...though they had not seen each other before, he'd done this a thousand times, so it was an easy, fluent movement.

Now, in re to your request, I must say, PT, that I don't know you very well, and am hesitant. I will think on it.

Thank you for reading the poem, and producing such a fine, if not glib, response.

Yesh,

You had some good suggestions, and I will surely consider them. I had to laugh a little at the image of a fish with it's mouth agape, reading poetry.

I very much appreciate your words of praise, and was happy to hear that this could hold a guy's attention. Thank you, and I'm so glad you did enjoy this.

Jim,

I was told that I should call you that...hope it's OK.

Thank you, and I think this poem has no surprises...it is one of imagery and emotion alone. It could be about any couple anywhere that first met online, except that there would have been some "space" ie distance, mileage, between them. They know everything there is to know about one another, and their love is true and deep...this is just the first time they've met. That is what I meant to convey...but I suppose I failed if you were worried for the woman.

This is definitely not a slam, but you seem to be all business (except in past threads I've read). Am I correct, or are you maybe a little shy?

Anyway, thanks for reading my little poem, and also for your commentary.

mia

...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

11 posted 2000-11-04 05:29 AM

quote:
It seems to me that you know the meaning of the wors "glib" very well, and use it in the British connotation in your entire reply. I meant it as easy and fluent...though they had not seen each other before, he'd done this a thousand times, so it was an easy, fluent movement.

hmmm... so there is a distinction, a nuance of meaning, between the US and the UK then i guess... ok, fair enough.

quote:
Now, in re to your request, I must say, PT, that I don't know you very well, and am hesitant. I will think on it.

yep, risky business disseminating e-mail addresses

..... hey, mia i was joking y'know.....lol.. i've no intention of sending you anything more embarrassing that the excruciating stuff you can read in the archives in any case ...lol..

oh and one other thing ... Jim ...SHY!!!

..... lol..that was funnier than your comments to Chris ...lol

take care

PT

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

12 posted 2000-11-04 05:02 PM

Mia:

Shy? lol. Never thought about it much. Maybe. As to being "all business", I suppose I am the one who puts Anal in Critical Analysis.

Seriously, it probably seems that way to you because I don't know you yet. Give it some time and I'll be picking on you as much as I do Philip with one "l" and Christopher-the-guy-without-a-shirt-to-everyone's-dismay.

Later.

Jim

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.