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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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Ok Sherlock, this one is for you  I know you've been dying for me to post here for a while now, so go for it Pardner, rip it apart hehehethat goes for everyone else too  Any suggestions for the Title will be greatly appreciated  ---------------- Upon keys black and white nimbly your fingers dance prance and the hammers hit the strings like a water drop in a wave of violins a storm of synthesizers I am tumbled through a tunnel almost hallucinant almost serene lost within the colour of milk of porcelain I rise to the height of you Dark Angel Oct 2000 "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
First of all let me say what a lovely piece this is, and that it is wonderful just the way it is. That said however......lol Upon keys black and white nimbly your fingers dance prance and the hammers hit the strings a good description which could be great I think with a little more imagery---something like-- Across a stage of black and white or floor of black and white---etc... in a wave of violins a storm of synthesizers I am tumbled through a tunnel almost hallucinant almost serene - I am tumbled---inside a tunnel-- works better for me---as through doesn't work as well with what follows: lost within the colour of milk of porcelain I rise to the height of you Which is pleasing to me just the way it is. Title?? gee--- Uplifted??-The Porcelain Piano?? Inside Your Music??--- tough call Maree!!-- think on it more and get back with you---later dear, Jamie Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok M you asked, and to be honest this didn’t do much for me. Not in the same league as some of your recent postings in Open IMHO! For starters the music metaphor is so often used in poetry it’s pretty difficult to see it as anything other than bordering on cliche. Then just to make matters worse you go on to use a colour metaphor which is perhaps even more used. And all of these are being used to try and describe something that sounds suspiciously like love, or near to it?...... lol ...  Moreover I’m pushed to see how the images mesh together in any way. This is simply a descriptive poem (i think), but it lacks originality or new compelling images, and with the very short line structure you don’t give yourself much of a chance anyway. If i had to single out one bit that comes near to your usual creativity it would be: “of milk of porcelain” sorry, not to be positive about this M, but really i know you can do much better oh, one last thing, “hallucinant” doesn’t seem to be a word. “Hallucinogen” is the one that springs to mind - the sound, the tunnel is a hallucinogen? Well you did ask ...... Sherlock |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Isn't he just mean Mmy.... heh heh heh... K"He looked across the silky surface of the Severn... it was a famously difficult river with fierce tides..." From Jack Maggs |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I think PT was being a little harsh. You did a pretty good job on this IMHO. A couple of suggestions, if I may... "Upon keys black and white nimbly your fingers dance prance and the hammers hit the strings"... The second line reads smoother as "your fingers nimbly", and instead of "dance, prance" use some other, less conventional words. Water drop doesn't have quite the right image. Perhaps drops, which would imply more. I think another word other than "wave" would do better here...something a little more descriptive. "in a wave of violins a storm of synthesizers I am tumbled through a tunnel almost hallucinant almost serene"... "tumbled" is also a very common word...something more creative might work better, such as "I ride the turbulence within an apparitionary passage" or something similar. Try to remember that when themes have been done and redone over and over, you have to make yours really unique, or say it in a very personal way. I loved the last stanza..very nice. Hope I helped in some way. mia < !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-30-2000).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
waiting, waiting,, to see what she does waiting, waiting,, to see just becuzzzz Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
a good description which could be great I think with a little more imagery---something like-- Across a stage of black and white or floor of black and white---etc... no can't do that Jamie, because I am talking about the piano he is playing, not a stage or a floor - I am tumbled---inside a tunnel-- works better for me---as through doesn't work as well with what follows I totally agree with you here, thank you for pointing this out Thank you for the title suggestions I really like "Inside your music" and that is what I shall call this piece Thank you Jamie for taking the time to comment ---------------------------------------- AHUH! Was waiting for you MP This poem, was not describing love, except love of the music that I was listening to which inspired me to write this my dear Yes I agree, a discriptive poem, but I guess not descriptive enough hey ? ok "hallucinant", is a word ahem, If you look up the good old oxford you'll find it in there hehe somewhere, I did I don't mind you not being positive Sherlock I do appreciate your honesty of course, I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.and yes, I did ask Thanks again Watson. -------------------------------------------- LOL@Kamla nahhhhh Sherlock could never be mean lol -------------------------------------------- Hi Mia, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read The second line reads smoother as "your fingers nimbly", I tried what you suggested here Mia, and yes I agree, it does read smoothly, thank you so much. and instead of "dance, prance" use some other, less conventional words I can't seem to think of any other words, I quite like these, but if you have any suggestions, I all ears I think another word other than "wave" would do better here...something a little more descriptive hmmm how about something like curl, or swirl, or a curve?? whatdoyathink? tumbled" is also a very common word...something more creative might work better, such as "I ride the turbulence within an apparitionary passage" or something similar. This has given me an idea Mia, thank you, not exactley as you put it though which I do like, but we wil lsee how I go Yes Mia you have helped, I thank you for that Thanks again, will work on it Maree ------------------------------------------- Jamie..... waiting waiting for my brain to lurk waiting waiting for my brain to work ahem, yeah I know, it's bad isnt it ? lol lol thanks hon Maree < !signature--> "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-31-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
maree first of all i owe you an apology. you are quite right about "hallicinant" and the funny thing is i was sure it was a word but my spellcheck kept saying it wasn't and when i checked out websters it simply wouldn't find it ~sigh~ i'm becoming too much like a computer ..lol anyway sorry about that M........ still not quite sure about this love thing though......lol ... from the first you are talking TO someone "your fingers", but it's the closure which convinces me ... "I rise to the height of you"...... ok lets put it this way: if you wrote a poem to me with that as the last line, i dunno that my wife would be too pleased !!! if it's not love or strong affection what is it? anyway what's wrong with everyone here (Mia is the same) are you all blind to the metaphoric significance of your own writing ...sheesh ... "heartstrings" ? "tumbled" ? etc etc i could go on..but obvious .....innit!!?? MP [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-31-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
oh and the title: THE MUSIC OF LOVE rotflmao  |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Isn't it odd- when you search for the word hallucinant, it is nowhere to be found but do a search on hallucinate and it also shows the adj: hallucinant---The Oxford Dictionary hallucinate: hal-lu-ci-nate v. 1 tr. produce illusions in the mind of (a person). 2 intr. experience hallucinations. //hallucinant adj. & n. hallucinator n. [L (h)allucinari wander in mind f. Gk alusso be uneasy] Easy Philip, laughter is good medicine but lets not OD.. ....how about "HeartSong"....hehe--( and DA-- none of this is meant toward your lovely poem)---- and btw-- how about that word hallucinari[This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 10-31-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
humm... interesting jamie yes after my computer spellchecker couldn’t find hallucinant i dabbed the appropriate keys which cut in the compact disc version of Merriam Webster (which, being American, I prefer the English Oxford ...lol). Anyway i looked up hallucinate expecting to find hallucinant as the noun and it wasn’t there! Nor was it shown as an adjective either, or anything else for that matter. It was only after maree mentioned the Oxford dictionary that i trundled off and borrowed my wife’s Concise Oxford which believe it or not cites hallucinant as both a noun and an adjective which is kind of what i thought in the first place, so i guess it serves me right for relying on MW! Anyway it’s certainly one word i ain’t gonna forget..lol quote: hey i LIKE that idea ..... |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Ok, I have taken in all your wonderful suggestions and this is what I've come up with, now, if by chance this still does not satisfy your brilliant poetic minds, please do tell Inside your music Upon keys black white your fingers nimbly dance prance and the hammers hit the strings like water drops in a wave of violins a storm of synthesizers my mind's a somersault inside a tunnel almost turbulant almost serene lost within the colour of milk of porcelain I rise to the height of you Thanks guys, so whatdoyathink? [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 11-01-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Okay, based on Brad’s unsubtle suggestion I’m going to attack a few pieces…. and I do mean attack. One of the reasons I, at first, did not want to do any critiquing is that my analysis is going to be harsh. Secondly, I often sit there with nothing to say. Third, I offer many suggestions to change without giving suggestions as to what. Lastly, I go on and on and on and on... that said, I will start my first attempt. At first, I was borderline on liking this one. But as I continued to read it over, I became more and more fond of it. There are some nice images (that could be unique and pretty darn great with careful editing), but the subject is a conventionalized idea. I think the basic formula for writing overdone subjects is to create something with a new perspective and possibly, if it is done well enough, the subject will seem new. One line that I think you should pay attention to: “Like a water drop” … this is good. The idea is very good, and with a little work, the image could really fly. I think that you’re relying too much on the idea itself, believing that the image is nice and so the presentation can be simple. In some cases this works, but in this instance, it could be improved with a little innovation. Also on simplicity: while I am a fan of the concise (hard to tell, I know  ), simplicity doesn’t have to be marked with frequent ‘I’s, ‘I am’s, ‘A’s, and ‘The’s… play with your words, find a new way to state the obvious… instead of“in a wave of violins a storm of synthesizers I am tumbled through a tunnel almost hallucinant almost serene” why not “Violin crescendo waves crashing out of synthesizer storms Tumble me through tunnels Almost hallucinogenic Almost serene” (just a modest example, if verbose) in the description: "lost within the colour of milk of porcelain" I think stating milk is redundant… we know the keys are white. But I love the phrase “ lost in the colour of porcelain”, completely different feel. Snipping ‘milk’ would add to the piece (although I know you were looking for the rhythm of repetition -- I do that often). Also -- and this is MY preference only -- I would expand on descriptions of feelings and the person playing, as well as the music imagery. Last thing:I disagree with Jamie, I think the alliterated “tumbled through tunnel” fits much better the way it is. Note to Angel: I wrote this while viewing the original piece, which I honestly enjoyed more than the revised... but someone's bound to disagree with me oh, well.~ Beth < !signature--> I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 11-01-2000).] |
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