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Pain & Woe
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Pain & Woe |
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Mick Hawkes Member
since 2000-10-26
Posts 90Tees-side , England |
I sit here now in pain & woe wondering what i've done For u to be like this with me again after all that we have done, The pain is like a tooth ache it just won't go away the only person who has the cure just keeps on hiding away' A smile a chat & a knowledge that you trust & believe me true friend is all the cure & medicine i need to make these feelings end, Deep inside i'm sure you know that my hopes & dreams for you are that you find that inner peace & happiness i know is deep inside you, So please don't forget i'm here for you My shield & sword in hand i will never be that far away to by your shoulder stand. A smile a day helps you work , rest & play. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Mick Hawkes - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mick: Sorry it took so long for me to take a look at this. Welcome to Critical Analysis and to Passions in Poetry. Before I go on, I want to remind you that I am only expressing my opinion. You are free to disagree with my assessments and opinions because, well, they are only my assessments and opinions. That said, I think you've done a good job of expressing yourself with this poem. I'm curious if you've given this poem to the person for whom it was intended? If you gave it to her and she liked it (I have little doubt that she did), fantastic. But this is Critical Analysis and we do strive to go beyond the sentimental and look more closely at the mechanics of the poem. My first suggestion would be to avoid cliched words and images. I don't think I've ever used the word "Woe" in casual conversation, for example. The word has a "poetic" quality to it in the sense that many people think you must use "poetic" words to express deeper meaning in a poem. While this is true sometimes, I think in this instance, it draws too much attention to it and ends up distracting moreso than it compliments. Second, I would suggest you go for some consistency in your metaphor use. You start with "pain" (first stanza), then "tooth ache" (second stanza), then "cure" (third stanza), then you go for "inner peace" (fourth stanza) and the knightly image of the "sword and shield" in the final stanza. The knight image leaps on the scene and my thinking is that it was the romantic thought, rather than the theme of the poem, that prompted you to include it in this poem. You see where I'm going with this? Lastly, for now, there are times when the rhyme seems a little forced (particularly in the last line). I am of the opinion that rhymes in a poem like this should harmonize with the syntax rather than go against the grain. Consider rewording the lines in a more natural way. Again, these are only my opinions. You've expressed your feelings adequately and, quite honestly, that is half the battle. Thanks for posting. I hope you take the opportunity to read and comment on some other poems in this forum and that you post more of your work in the near future. Jim |
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