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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wolf |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
About this time each year I can slip unnoticed into the flock; fleeceless. Because, for a while they become, in self-deceiving play, more themselves. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Poertree - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Why Hallo there Sherlock!!  I must say, this is an interesting and clever little piece you have penned my Dear friend I loved the line...... unnoticed into the flock; fleeceless. Would been intereting to see you write a longer version I loved it MP! Maree "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Philip, This is indeed clever. Damn, there are so many ways it could be interpreted. I agree that a longer version might be fascinating but I think you have really captured something special here with so few words. Okay, I'm rambling on now like I have no idea what it's all about. Well, that may be true but I still find it intellectually challenging. I want to study it some more and come back later (I can be slow you know). But of course by then others will most likely have already said everything worthy of saying. Well new I have surely rambled and babbled too much so I'll just sign off and have another coffee. Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hi Philip--for something so short, this is very intriguing...I like to think humanity is better then that... if only some would switch it around and be who they are really every day and pretend only on Halloween...the way it's supposed to be....A thought provoking poem, for sure. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
well philip, i like this very much. but you didnt give us nearly enough to critique! how can we pose as intellectuals tossing around our fancy words if you dont give us anything to work with??? dont write so well next time!   luv Elyse |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Philip, Nice piece. Hmmmm, maybe we can use common images and phrases to do something new now and then. Thought I'd play with the structure a bit though: About this time each year, for a while they become, in self-deceiving play, more themselves. I can slip unnoticed into the flock; fleeceless. No reason you have to follow this; I just did't like 'because' -- seemed to stand out for no particular reason. Here, I've tried to put off the conclusions until the final three lines and, in a way, delaying the moment of satisfaction to the last possible moment. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip with one L (geez, that's too long to type out all the time...sure I can't use Phil?), This was, indeed, very clever. It's simplicity is decieving, just as your message. Ooh, now I'm afraid to say what I'll be dressing as on Halloween. All these clever ideas, and I sit down to write and - zip, zero, nothing, but tired old themes. Can I borrow a muse? mia |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Watson ... you figured it then? too elementary for you eh? .....lol Thanks M Pete You crack me up y'know, and at the same time you always make very kind comments, thanks my friend. Longer? sheesh .. gimme a break! Martie Is it really you?! Nice to see you here, more often please! Yes, i guess it's a little cynical perhaps - the opposite of my mood actually Thanks for reading Elyse What are you complaining about 6 lines ?!! didn't stop Brad from rewriting it did it ......LOL .. anyway thanks for liking it, but now you're a star I doubt we'll see much of you, eh? Brad Nice piece. Hmmmm, maybe we can use common images and phrases to do something new now and then. >>> yes. i wouldn't have thought so until a few weeks ago when i started to read a guy called Simon Armitage - a rising star here in england. one of his trademarks is precisely that, the use of "sayings" (even cliches heaven forbid!), in unusual settings. I guess that certainly influenced this. Thought I'd play with the structure a bit though: About this time each year, for a while they become, in self-deceiving play, more themselves. I can slip unnoticed into the flock; fleeceless. No reason you have to follow this; I just didn't like 'because' -- seemed to stand out for no particular reason. Here, I've tried to put off the conclusions until the final three lines and, in a way, delaying the moment of satisfaction to the last possible moment. >>>i woke up this morning brad, thinking: "because" has to go ..lol. It was an afterthought anyway and it reminds me too much of all those pop songs which go "Because she loved me....." or "Just because... " etc . I think i stuck it in to clarify meaning, but it's not needed i agree. >>> ok ...your other comment is interesting because of course it hits the whole point of the poem - trying to shoot for the unexpected, for surprise, "a little explosion", whatever. I'd thought I'd done that sufficiently by simple delaying the final (hopefully unsignalled) revelation into human character until the last line, but i see what you're trying to do by pushing all the revealing bits into the last three lines. The things I think we lose in your version are the strong establishment of the identity of the speaker right from the start, and linking back to the title. And, perhaps more subtly, the relegation of the noun "flock" to a position subsequent to the pronoun "themselves" renders something that is (apparently) already maybe a little obscure, more so, no? Still, it was great to see that you picked up the main point of the poem, and in that respect I think your version is stronger. Incidentally as well as Armitage I've been reading the Irish poet Michael Longley and it was a little poem of his that triggered this last night: from "Collected Poems" - Michael Longley Hallowe'en It is Hallowe'en. Turnip Head Will soon be given his face, A slit, two triangles, a hole. His brains litter the table top. A candle stub will be his soul. Thanks for taking a look at this Brad. Mia Philip will do just fine thanks You are a very perceptive reader mia, it's nice to see that sometimes i can get away with just a little obscurity. Thanks to you and to all Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-28-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: I am with Brad (and apparently with you) in thinking that the structure could use some tweaking. But that is a simple enough adjustment. If the poem has a weakness, I would have to say it would be a lack of closure. You had (and still have) me thinking of Halloween, lycanthropes, predators, prey, etc. but left me wanting more. Is the predator mundane or supernatural? Who are the victims? Children? I liked the poem. I just want to read more. Nice work. Jim |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Philip. Nice, short work. Indeed. |
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Ron K. Fox Senior Member
since 2000-10-24
Posts 925 |
wolves in sheeps clothing. lots of em out there in the real world. great short write. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
About this time each year I can slip unnoticed into the flock; fleeceless. Because, for a while they become, in self-deceiving play, more themselves. Well done and timely Philip--- just a couple of thoughts,, The outer self disguised allows the real self to shine???----if so then how is it deceiving of self to be more of themselves??--- As usual however I am probably off the wicket here... Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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