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Critical Analysis #1
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YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263


0 posted 2000-10-26 07:36 PM



He was my first love.
So big, so strong, so kind;
his smile lit up my life
whenever he strode in.

He would encourage me,
"Don't let anyone tell you
what you can and cannot be!"
he'd bellow.

Then he'd ask me about the girls.
"I know you're the ladies man,"
he'd say, with a, wink, wink.
I'd smile sheepishly,
give him a few names,
shoot the breeze a little;
talking about how this one did this,
and that one said such and such.
But his name was always
on the tip of my tongue,
for reasons I wasn't yet clear on,
I always held back.

I loved those times we'd stroll in the park!
He'd hold my hand, just him and I.
Those times were the best.

The one time I saw him lose his temper,
was when my brother called me faggot.
His shout was so loud, I thought the roof would cave in,
he made him apologize to me.

Later that night when he tucked me in,
I asked him what a faggot was.
"Son," he said,
"that's a word you'll never have to
worry about."

He left, and he never came back.

Now I light a candle for him every night,
and I cry.
Because I never told him,
never.


© Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved
kid D
Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64

1 posted 2000-10-27 09:23 AM


wow, the subjects you approach and the depth of the way you handle them is great  
this piece is really good, the only suggestion i have is in the second verse...
the first and last lines are repetitive,
i would change it to
  He would encourage me,
  bellowing "Don't let anyone
  tell you what you can
  and cannot be!"
only took out one "he'd" but i think it reads better  
like your writing a lot  



warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-10-27 11:05 AM


Yesh,

This, again, is a powerful poem, and demonstrates so well the "politics" that go on in almost every relationship...even between a father and child. These are usually generational, unless, like this shows, a person can identify the void. Then change is possible.

The labels stand out in this one, as well as your last. They'll most likely always be there, but what will change is the way we see them.

I agree with kid D on her advice about that stanza, and I think that in this stanza:

"The one time I saw him lose his temper,
was when my brother called me faggot.
His shout was so loud, I thought the roof  
would cave in,
he made him apologize to me."

you should drop the "was" in the third line, or put a semi-colon between the first phrase and the second. Minor stuff. As a whole the poem is very well-written. I, too, enjoy your work a lot.
mia


Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-10-27 04:31 PM


hi yehsujah.     i like the parts of this best where you dont spell anything out.  like the ending.  very good.  but, and this is dipping into personal preference again i fear, lines such as

Those times were the best.

"Don't let anyone tell you
what you can and cannot be!"

are so...heavy handed maybe.  i think, especialy for something soft and sensitive, you should try, to be more implicit, like you are in your final stanza.  

so there are two pennies ill never get back  
luv Elyse

[This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 10-27-2000).]

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

4 posted 2000-10-27 04:39 PM


Mia and Kid-d, thanks for reading and commenting.  I think the change you both suggest is good.  I'll re-arange.

Elyse, thanks for reading and commenting.  I hear you loud and clear.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2000-10-27 07:34 PM


Powerfully done. You play the reader well; I found myself going, "Wait, he means, oh, no, oh, yeah, now what?" The final ambiguity (which isn't really all that ambiguous) resonates.

Heavy handed? Perhaps but it's nice to see people venturing (at least in these forums) into uncharted territory.

Ever read Samuel Delaney?

Thanks,
Brad

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

6 posted 2000-10-27 10:02 PM


Brad, you do wonders for a fella's will to write.  Thanks for the read and comment.  You saw the lines of this poem well, and no, I have not read Delaney.  I guess I'll check on his works.  Thanks again.
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
7 posted 2000-10-28 09:24 AM


quote:
Powerfully done. You play the reader well; I found myself going, "Wait, he means, oh, no, oh, yeah, now what?" The final ambiguity (which isn't really all that ambiguous) resonates


brad said it perfectly yesh - it had precisely the same effect on me, so much so that (uncharacteristically ..lol  ) i decided to delay replying till others had - coward aren't i .....lol..

you really do write some good stuff y'know

thanks

philip

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