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motivational influenza
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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motivational influenza |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
motivational influenza the shadows lay horizontal crossing the floor timeclocking the day my parallel plane existing two feet higher my fevered eyes stare transfixed unable to register the meaning of their unlengthening my mind almost grasps a poetic thought that floats sunlit bound but my ears hurt too much to verbalize and the keyboard is all the way in the other room introspection slips softly away as i slide into much needed sleep ok guys as i am currently inflicted with "MI" and i barely got this down before i nodded off *g* am interested to hear if it is coherent and if it gets the point across  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kid D, What I get from this is that hazy feeling of semi-reality that occurs just before you fall asleep, but could also occur in other situations (getting stoned, etc.). Maybe I'm not looking deep enough, but the title suggests a pathological lack of motivation... I don't understand "my ears hurt too much", unless you're talking about a head-ache, and how noises hurt...but then you talk about the keyboard...hmmmmmm. Gonna need help on this one. mia |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kid: I like the idea and think you have several strong lines here. quote: I like the opening very much and especially liked "timeclocking the day". quote: I really liked the "my parallel plane" line (I see a double meaning in this line as being descriptive of the surface of your bed. The third line in the quote above caused problems for me, though. The repetition of "my" seems to introduce an less-than-natural break in the flow of my reading. I think your order of wording causes some confusion also. I don't have any problem with the thoughts your are expressing or even with most of the words you use ... I am having difficulty with what appear to be some syntax problems, though. quote: This is where I expected to see a stronger turn in your theme. There seems to be more of a "fade" than a turn but I suppose ... quote: ... justifies this. I think if you could reword the poem to edit out the "my's", you would strengthen the stream-of-consciousness thing you seem to be doing here. Just a suggestion. Thanks for the good read. Jim |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I thought this was pretty good, and enjoyed many of the lines within the poem. And I could sense the kind of incoherence that comes of the flu. Hope you feel better. |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
mia, well yes, you did read the mind's lack of motivation, i was trying to connect that to an actual sickness such as the flu, not being motivated is sometimes harder to kick than a sickness...at least a sickness has a beginning and an end jim, you touched on all my stumbling blocks lol, and yes,i agree, i liked timeclocking the day too the 'my's' yes, you are right, i usually notice things like that, and this time let it slip through... and yes the point you speak of as a choice between going to a stronger thought or fading, i almost did just that, started more into the metaphor of the flu, and then took them out...i finally reasoned that the fade into sleep told more about the symptoms than adding more lines would... thanks much for your comments YeshuJah, thank you, glad you liked the poem |
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