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Passions in Poetry

Upon Finding Purpose ... (free verse)

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Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


0 posted 10-18-2000 02:17 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Janet Marie

this is my first attempt at free verse...
I would like any suggestions.
I was of the thought that perhaps it reads too much like short line prose?
I was wondering if it should be written in more of a verse format like this:

I saw him
standing
there at the
fray, in the
gray edges just
outside the
shadows.
==============
but due to its length I was of mind that it would make the poem seem even longer.
any other comments and edit/critique is welcome,
as I wish to learn the "right" way.
Also is the use of (...) as pauses and line breaks "wrong" or distracting, not neeeded?
I tend to over use them.
thank you
jm


~Upon Finding Purpose~


I saw him standing there at the fray,
in the gray edges just outside the shadows.
From the first moment I laid eyes on him ...
I knew he was special ... gifted ... wounded.
There was a certain frailty about him,
as if someone would speak too loudly ...
he would slip back into the darkness.
And then there were those eyes,
all knowing, piercing, jaded, emerald sparks.
He could look right thru you,
or see behind your deepest, hidden layer.
You could not witness him ...
and not witness his light ... his glow.
And I ... like they ... was drawn to the flame.
Some came closer out of fear of the unknown,
some in curiosity, some out of fascination.
I was drawn out of need,
need of things I didn't even yet understand,
of things I had yet to discover with in myself.
There were no awkward first moments,
there was an immediate connection ...
conduit, magnetism, absorption.
He was the silver, etched, moon that pulled all my tides,
he was the whispered changing of my seasons.
For a too few precious months,
all my orange-glow suns ...
rose and set in him.
He was a poet, prophet, an empyrean,
he was innocence taken too soon.
A scarred child, a wounded dove,
he was a lesson in forgiveness.
In patience, understanding, acceptance,
most of all in the trust found in unconditional love.  
To this day I'm not sure if I found him,
or he found me.
Yet I know fate found us.
Once he touched down,
he landed in my heart ... quietly slipped inside my soul.
Both of which were aching with unrequitedness ...  of vacancy.
From then on nothing was ever the same,
nor will ever be again.
For within those moments infinite,
he flowed thru me and looked out thru my eyes ...
granting me vision, clarity, perspective.
No one had ever needed me like that before,
Until then I never knew ...
I needed someone ... to need me ... like that.
By him ... of him ... with him ...
I now had reason.
He gave me purpose,
then he gave me back poetry.

He left on the same echo of light that delivered him,
on the eve of the new millennium ...
when all was renewed and reborn in hope.
And in that dance of anticipation,
he was at last carried home.
Finally free of the past that often owned him.
He took a part of me with him,
but more so, he left a part of him with me.
So I no longer look for reasons,
for it was in his grace that I found purpose.
With every word I write ...
his light burns brighter.
He is anticipation everlasting ...
he is every verse to be written.
The rhythm, the reason I rhyme,
He is my poetic justice ...
he is inspiration ... on high.
He is poetry ...
my reason, my purpose.

Janet Marie




[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 10-18-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Janet Marie - All Rights Reserved
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


1 posted 10-18-2000 08:09 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Hey JM, this poem screams passion   well to me it does. I enjoyed reading it.

But I agree with the (....) try not to use them at all, if you can replace them with commas or just leave it blank it would be better, in my opinion.

eg: I knew he was special ... gifted ... wounded.
would be better like this me thinks  :  I knew he was special, gifted, wounded.
I see you have used the commas in other lines, I don't know why you decided to use the ( .....)

Well not sure how to comment on metre etc etc so I won't  

but like I said I loved your poem  
the reason, well it screams passion, the imagery was wonderful and as you drew closer to the end the passion seemed so much
louder   hehehe

Thanks
Maree



"If my words could blanket the skies
and fill every corner and crevice of
this earth, still this won't be enough"
"Maree Russo"


[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-18-2000).]
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


2 posted 10-18-2000 11:42 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

This was really well-done. You have a talent for writing. I did, however, find it too long. I think a paring down would be great. As far as I'm concerned, you could end it well at "From then on nothing was ever the same,
nor will ever be again." There's also the possibility of making it a series of poems. Sounds like you have a great subject.
mia

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


3 posted 10-20-2000 08:02 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Maree and Mia...thank very much for the suggestions and help...and for such lovely compliments as well.
I use the (...) in some of my rhyme and verse poetry to serve a pause, or mainly to
give accent or emphasis to a word or phrase
or to join 2-3 lines of continuing thought.
But I agree..it isnt needed or does not work as well in free verse.
I will be working on this one for a while... thanks again for the read and replies  
take care
JM
kid D
Member
since 10-18-2000
Posts 68


4 posted 10-20-2000 09:49 AM       View Profile for kid D   Email kid D   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kid D

jm, though i am no expert by any means, i only write free verse, and no, i don't think it was too long, something from the heart needs take its time to come across effectively, and this did. You painted a picture that is exquisite and painfilled.
but yet it has hope at the end...I loved it.
my suggestion on the .... which btw, i use too much too        is if emphasis is needed use a line break.... a comma if you absolutely need a pause....but try removing most of the punctuation, and adding your line breaks the way it reads in your head and i think you will eliminate the need for most of the ...'s every once in a while i still use one at the end of a line when i am changing subject or going in another direction on the next line...hope this helps

ok i am gonna add this poem and i hope its not out of line to do so in CA, then i am gone for a few days, because as the poems says, my head is full of words and i need sort them out...i started this poem this morning on the drive in, and then after reading yours, i finished it, and i don't want it critiqued, because how can you critique one's heart, but i wanted to share it with you, as we seem to share the same pain...


to my love

today my head is full of words
and my eyes are full of tears
and I need to talk to you but I canít
you are gone, and so I will write
and when I am finished I will address
the envelope with your name
and place it on my heart, and I
will wait and hope that soon enough
you will be by to read it

some how I feel I failed you
or me I am not sure
but it is october 20, 2000
and you and i are not together
so certainly something in the universe is not right...
I know she needed you, ultimately
more than I
but how can I fault an illness that eats you
from the inside?
and I know that you didnít want me to leave
you fought for closeness
without the sin
but I knew that the temptation of me
your spiritual side
could not abide
you had your beliefs
they made you the man that I love
but one extra
love, not even free to be given
wouldnít have allowed you peace
and so I stepped back
far enough that you couldnít see me
but my heart aches to know
that you felt me
that you knew I still cared
that I missed you
every day
and that it was all I could do not
to get in my car and drive
straight to the safety and comfort of your arms
did you know my love
that I never stopped loving you
but I never meant for you to die
I meant to wait only long enough
that you were free
and I was free
and...yes I know the earth
could have stopped spinning by then and
yes now hindsight tells me
I assuredly did the right thing
that your heart was ready to go home
you left this earth for a better place
and without my temptation to sin
you flew easily into the sky
and I am sorry
I failed because i think
it was me that i let down
you soared with me gazing after
with me loving you still
do you know that I miss you
every day
and that you are forever
tucked safely under
the covers in my heart?
do you know, my love
that I love you
still?




[This message has been edited by kid D (edited 10-20-2000).]
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


5 posted 10-20-2000 11:03 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

I assuredly did the right thing
that your heart was ready to go home
you left this earth for a better place
and without my temptation to sin
you flew easily into the sky
and I am sorry if I failed you
you soared with me gazing after
with me loving you still
do you know that I miss you
every day
and that you are forever
tucked safely under
the covers in my heart?
do you know, my love
that I love you
still?
===================
this is a beautiful sincere reflection of your heart...thank you very much for sharing it here with me...
thank you also for the suggestions and comments...yes its very hard to be brief and do him justice...wanted a complete piece of work to tell the story in tribute.
Maybe we need to have (...) rehab LOL  
I see a lot of them in poetry, replies and Emails...infectious little buggers  
THANK YOU Kid D,
jm
Elizabeth
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 06-07-99
Posts 7296
America the beautiful


6 posted 10-20-2000 03:41 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth   Email Elizabeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Elizabeth's Home Page   View IP for Elizabeth

Hi Janet~just wanted to say that I e-mailed you my response to this poem!

Elizabeth


Something sweet, something sort of grandish, sweeps my soul when thou art near...
hedeservesbetter@hotmail.com

doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


7 posted 10-21-2000 11:07 AM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

Ok, JM-freeverse-poet-gator... i'm finally HERE! As you know, i'm really not that good at critique and try to stay away from giving too much advice to other people's poetry other than just the feel of it, and overall blanket suggestions.... but since you asked me specifically to take a look at this poem and give you some ideas about it... and the whole free verse writing thing ... here i am... and you told me by email that you would like me to show you an example to help with this poem.

soooo.....what i've done is a revision... trying not to in any way alter the content or message... also trying my best to keep YOUR style and voice... but this isn't easy because it's me doing it, so some of me is bound to show through. before i post the revision, i'll list some of the methods i used to get from your poem to here... assuming that that's the type of thing you're looking for from me (i hope i'm right!)

- first, i went through and eliminated superfluous words, words or lines which repeated or images which repeated because sometimes you can echo an image if you need to, but i don't think you need to say the same thing more than once

- then, i broke it up in stanzas... doing that, included separating the really important lines to make them stand out.. whether just on the next line or one line standing as an entirely separate strophe

- then, i looked at the words and tried to find the more vague ones which could be said better but that was hard to do because i didn't want to change the content too much... i ALWAYS have my thesaurus open when i write... always... and i'm never finished with a poem... lol... i have to finally sign my name to it and be done with it, otherwise i'll be looking for "better" words through eternity... geesh..

- then, i took the liberty of showing you how a couple of metaphors & similes could add to it... actually, lately, i've been trying to write using LOTS of metaphors and similes... and that ain't easy.. but i think the "illustration" of what a writer is trying to say hits people harder than actually coming out and saying it in every day language. the uniqueness of a piece of poetry is everything... and if you can see something which reflects what you want to say, and give that to the reader, then they can see more clearly through your eyes, i think, which is better than using  words which are subjective feelings... this is where i had a problem in this piece because i really wanted to provide images for those "lessons" you listed, instead of just using the words you chose. but instead, i simply set them off by themselves because i didn't want to totally rewrite you

ok, i think that's about it... bottom line is, it's in the cutting, the taking out of what isn't necessary... and the WAY you say what you want to say... i also read all my work outloud... my family thinks i'm nuts..lol... i read it and change it, then read it and change it again over and over... often just muttering under my breath... but by reading it outloud, you can hear the flow of it better and certain lines, words, rhythms that don't belong or which could be improved to get across your message or feeling, become more evident..

ok, here it is... i hope i've helped some and THANK YOU for asking me... i was honored that you thought i might be of some assistance. and btw, this is an AWESOME first free verse write.. congrats! and welcome to the world of confusion... hehe


~Upon Finding Purpose~ (by Janet Marie- doreen's revision)


I saw him standing at the fray,
in gray edges just outside shadows
transluscent --
gifted, wounded, frail
as if loud voices
would cause him to
slip back into darkness.

His eyes,

omnipotent, piercing, jaded,
emerald sparks seeing  
behind deep hidden layers.
He was flame pulling me,
drawing me,
despite fear of unknown futures,
He was curiosity, fascination,
need of things I didn't yet understand.
His eyes, discovery itself,
no awkward first moments.

A conduit, magnet, pure absorption,
he was silver etched,
the moon pulling my tides
and he whispered the changing of seasons,
my orange-glow sun rising and setting
in him.

Poet, prophet, empyrean --
his innocence taken too soon,
a scarred child, a wounded dove,
he taught

the important lessons --

forgiveness.
patience.
understanding.
acceptance.
trust.
unconditional love.

And I'm still not sure if I found him
or he found me when fate found us
and when he touched down,
landing in my heart,
he quietly slipping my soul around him
like a comfortable shoe that fit perfectly
relinquishing vacancy.

Now all has changed
within infinite moments since
he flowed through me, looking out from my eyes
granting me vision, clarity, perspective,
and I finally understand a reason for need
and all that implies

because when we blended,
he gave me purpose,
then gave me back poetry.

I watched him vanish on an echo
the eve of my new century,
taking a part of me with him --
I, renewed, reborn in hope
and in our dance of anticipation,
he was carried home,
free of a past that had crumbled him
and often owned him.

And now, he is in me
and I no longer look for reasons,
for it was in his grace that I found purpose,
and as I write him now, I realize
he is every verse to be written,
the rhythm, the reason I rhyme,
my poetic justice,
inspiration on high.

He is my poetry.



- all you can ever really ask out of life is a sincere apology and some decent poetry -



[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 10-21-2000).]
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


8 posted 10-22-2000 01:20 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

UMMMMM ... i thought you said you werent good at this???
GET THIS GIRL A JOB IN CA!!!!!!
WOW...WAY COOL...
THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH ,,,,REALLY!!!!!
it is SO COOL to see my words reseen thru
you eyes..
and yes that is exactly what I was hoping for..someone to really sink their teeth in it...
and show me the verses in another light..
you have given me much to ponder and learn.
thank you so much Dor..for taking the time to do all this for me,,,
I hope you know how much I appreciate this..
I owe ya
later-myqueen-gator (hehe)(queen of??) LOL
shhhhhhh I wont tell *winkwink*

JM
doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


9 posted 10-22-2000 09:13 AM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

JanetM - i'm pleased you're pleased. now go write some more free verse!!  

oh and... queen of what??? lol
thanks for crowning me... i'm honored... what whatever you "won't tell", you haven't even told me...  

nothing like being in the dark in your own kingdom... hmmmm... interesting metaphor... maybe i'll write a queen of who-knows-what piece

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


10 posted 04-05-2006 11:42 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Well...   I am sure not going to critique you! Maybe someone will now that it is on the rebound?  I absolutely loved it the way you first wrote it, but sure enjoyed Doreen's pickapart too (some great ideas.)  I wondered after you had read her in-depth critique, did you revise it?

I loved this part, what better way to explain love?

He was the silver, etched, moon that pulled all my tides,
he was the whispered changing of my seasons.
For a too few precious months,
all my orange-glow suns ...
rose and set in him.
He was a poet, prophet, an empyrean,
he was innocence taken too soon.
A scarred child, a wounded dove,
he was a lesson in forgiveness.


I see that the tides, moon, and the sky above m'dear are your greatest inspiration, and rightly so.  
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