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memories in the wind
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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memories in the wind |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
and I had on that sundress that you loved the way it curved over my breasts and how the cool of the fall air made them viewably perky I with all my bundles in one hand fumbled for the door with the other just as the wind funneled my skirt skyward to meet the warmth wolf whistles from across the way flushed my cheeks red and you laughed and laughed and didn’t help one bit as I fought my battle with the wind my bundles and the door and I got mad at you so you took me in your arms and kissed me until the fire in my eyes burned down below instead |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Hi Kid D and welcome... You're a brave soul to make your first post in critical analysis.... !!! This is a nice seductive peice and it shows a lot of promise -- I didn't like the word perky in there though -- the rest of it flowed very well and works to draw the reader into that kiss -- but perky didn't work for me... |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hi I liked this, and the images it brought to me. I am new to this forum as well so I am no expert, but... I might say "...as I fought my battles with the wind, bundles and door, I got mad at you..." instead, taking away some of the ands. Jeen |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
ok LR, i see what you mean, though right now i am having a hard time thinking of any other word besides perky to describe what cool air does to....well you get the picture lol how about i leave off perky and move viewable to the previous line? thanks so much for your comments jeen thank you also for your comments and yes you are right, that last and is one too many...thanks and glad you liked  and bout starting in CA...if you were a poet...oh you are...let me start that again...if A poet wanted to improved his/her poetry, where better to lose your virginity than in critical analysis....besides, from what i have seen here, you people seem pretty nice, there is no one to fear is there? now you have me wondering *s* and now i have probably said enough for one day...thanks again for the welcom and the comments [This message has been edited by kid D (edited 10-18-2000).] |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
enlivened revived stimulated aroused kindled inspired encouraged fueled motivated incited invigorated intensified provoked stirred inflamed edged distended....  just the ones offa the toppamyhead.. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
D- I don't have much time but I wanted to "stop in" to welcome you to CA and tell you that I enjoyed the poem. Dittos on the dislike of "perky" but, besides that, I think your lines were well worded and flowed nicely. I usually prefer to go into more detail but time constraints are time constraints (I'm sure you know what I mean). I'll try to take a closer look later. Jim |
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jonmcm Member
since 2000-10-11
Posts 222England |
Hi there, My suggestion for a perky replacement would be: - purt Very sexy!  Best Wishes Jon |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hiya Kid what a seductive poem you have here hmmm ? I really enjoyed reading it and the picture it painted in my mind about perky.... I have a suggestion, of course you don't need to take it. How about .... and I had on that sundress that you loved the way it curved over my breasts and how the cool of the fall air made them rise from sleep or twinge with excitement hmm just a thought well loved the poem much! "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I thought that this was well-written - the imagery being the strongest point. I would change a couple of the word or phrase choices made. I also didn't care for the word perky. I would suggest pehaps "noticeably nudge at the thin fabric", something on that order. The phrase "fire in my eyes burned down below" reminded me of that Seeger song, and I suppose due to that, sounded a little trite. I think if those two things were creatively changed, you'd have one hell of a great poem here. mia |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
thanks so much for the welcome and the suggestions...never thought a bunch of critics would be so helpful in describing....ummmmm.....welll.....what it was i needed help in describing....lol, no really thanks your insights have helped open my thoughts, will try a rewrite and post it later today |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Mm, I like it Ok, firstly, I think a bit of punctuation would help with the meaning somewhat.. ie. that you loved, the way it curved over skyward to meet the warmth. Wolf whistles from across the way (this one in particular needs punctuation, because I read it as "to meet warmth wolf.. huh? Oh, right.." ^^) Yeah, you get the picture. ^_^ As for the content, I reckon you should replace 'perky' rather than take it out, taking it out takes a little of the specialty away from the writing.. From L.R's list there, I actually really like the suggestion of 'inspired'.. it gives a visual image that's almost perfect there, and it's a little different, kinda.. well, personifying them I guess.. I like the way you've started it with 'and', and a lowercase letter, because it gives the impression that it's not starting at the beginning, it's picking a piece and describing it, which is exactly what a memory is.. but whoever said it before, can't remember who, was right that there seem to be a few too many 'ands' throughout it.. perhaps a couple less wouldn't hurt, probably the "and I got mad" and the "and you laughed and laughed and didn’t help one bit" need a bit of tweaking in terms of ands ^_^ Mm, yeah, the fire in your eyes is a bit well used, ppl often describe it as having fire in your eyes, or burning.. somewhere else, so perhaps "the steam from my eyes crept down below instead" or the.. something else hot and possibly suggestive  I really enjoy reading your poems, they have something special Kid.. Nothing in life, if you study it close enough, and long enough, makes sense. But only once you have understood why it doesn’t make sense, can you be s |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
I got to echo very one with the word "perky" If you were more informal language, ordinary day talk and a looser style then it might work. I do like the word, it is very under used but "viewably perky" sounds kind of awkward. WHatever you replace perky with, please remove "viewably." "I with all my bundles in one hand fumbled for the door with the other just as the wind funneled my skirt" I really liked those lines but I would like to see the following lines having a bit more energy, they are good but some of them could written in a more gripping way. I really enjoyed the read. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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