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Critical Analysis #1
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Milk
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Milk |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
When I lived in Japan, Milk tasted like an asymmetrical parabola. In order to explain this, Let me put you in the story: You raise the carton to your mouth, The first drop touches your lips, And you feel a shiver as if someone Used an icepick to scratch your back. Thick on your tongue, the liquid melts down its sides To the back near your tonsils And you don't swallow so much as gulp -- Not surprisingly, the small amount offered From one container is gone before You know the taste of that first seduction. This forces you to reach for one more And images of William S. Hart pass by As you make a belt with two holsters. It becomes natural like smoking a cigarette Or squatting on a toilet or sweating in a kimono. You are proud because it's healthy, and women Begin to notice those subtle changes that come, That only come from a routine diet of vitamin D. You slick your hair back forgetting whether you Used gel or unconsciously one of your reserves Because people start saying you smell like butter; Then you trip over your cowboy boots. It's a long slide down from there, folks, To return to a sense of normalcy And you're always a little confused: Are you now permanently addicted, Or have you finally become intolerant, To lactose culture? |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This is a very descriptive and articulate writing. Flows very well and not so abstract as to be unenjoyable. This is my favorite, by far, of anything you've written. Really nice. forrest |
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Klondike New Member
since 2000-10-17
Posts 9 |
When I read this, I sort of got Lost trying to find a rhythm and it Comprimised the Content for me. But after a Second and Third reading, I picked up what you were trying to say I think. The last two Lines for me were Brilliant, "Or have you finally become intolerant, To lactose culture?" It Just has Soo many different Meanings.. Especially is you take them Out of Context.. Teh Three words "Intolerant; Lactose and; culture" are All interrelated in some way... I loved that  |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
ok, new kid on the block but am going to stick my 2 cents in....gotta start somewhere... i agree with klondike, the rythm made it hard to follow, but what I think threw me off the most was the opening, i kept looking for how milk was like an "asymmetrical parabola" and I never really found it, might just be *my* comprehension level, would like to see what others say, so....what I am saying is, I liked the poem and the images and the ending, i just think your first verse threw it off instead of adding to it...ok now that i have been clear as mud i will be quiet for a bit...be back this afternoon |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
First things first... very creative writing here Brad -- and I like encrypted imagery so I'd have to give this an overall thumbs up... but as our friend Haze would say -- here's the slice.. Form: Does every sentence need to be capitalized? Imagery: Assymetrical Parabola -- in industrial design I've asked the question repeatedly -- what is Aesthetic -- I've put multiple images in front of people and asked them to pick out what looks appealing to them -- almost universally -- they lean toward symmetry -- so -- the first thing I thought when you said it tasted Assymetrical was that you didn't like the taste -- I like the parabolic comparison though -- it's a really good abstraction -- your later strophes seemed to completely contradict the way you set me up with Assymetrical -- unless you meant that at first you didn't like it -- but acquired a taste for it...??? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. I don't have time to reply to everyone but I'll get back later to Local. Forrest, Thanks. This was an attempt to move away from poetry as metaphor (although it's still there) to putting similes in a poem. I have often been asked what's poetic about what I write. Since no one has ever sustained a conversation on what they mean by 'poetic', I've always assumed a lack of similes (never been too fond of them myself). I guess this was a way to answer my critics. I may continue in this direction however. Then again, I may not. You never know. Klondike, Good point. Definitely free verse. Probably should be read a little more slowly than a normally metered poem. Of course, I may have just botched it. You never know. Thanks for the kind words.kid D, Definitely listening to your comment on the first stanza -- is it useless affectation or integral to the whole piece. I'm not sure yet but you're helping me answer that question. Local, Are the caps necessary? No, I guess not but I'm still a loose traditionalist at heart. We all have our idiosyncrasies. Thanks again, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I liked this poem immensely, partially humorous, partially sarcastic (which describes many a person's sense of humor). Nothing really critical to say about it, though I read it over two or three times carefully. mia |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Mia, Thanks for the kind words. LR, I have a question concerning symmetry. I agree that most people 'like' symmetry but isn't what sticks out, what people notice more, is the asymmetical? If you have a shelf filled with china, don't you notice the chipped one? When I used asymmetical here, I was trying to get across the journey of taste as asymmetrical. The taste of milk is not something people usually comment on (unless it's sour) but here I was trying to point out the discovery of something you always accepted as natural as to be something different. This initial euphoria creates the opportunity for addiction or for a point that goes too far in one direction (and thus lacks in balance) -- Americans are more American when they are in another country. Still, one must 'return' to some starting point that, if sufficiently considered, is both the same and different at the same time. How could it be anything else? It seems to be that this creates an ambivalence about that previously undiscovered familiarity -- what exactly is it to be an American? Is this making any sense? Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: quote: This gave the thought process the jug it needed to begin interpreting this poem (I think you warned me once about over-doing my hunt for meaning in your poetry). What does it mean to be an American? I would say it depends on who you ask. I have never left the U.S. in my adult life but I have traveled quite an bit for work and school (North Dakota, New York, Southern California, North Carolina, then finally back home to Pennsylvania). For an American, I think America means home. When you think of America, I have little doubt that you think of freeways, gated communities, In & Out Burger and the LAX. When I think of America, I think of the rolling hills and defined seasons of Pennsylvania Dutch Country. We are both Americans but our thoughts of home are different. Perhaps the odd feeling you get when being away from home stems from becoming more conscious of self when everyone around you is different (I noticed this quite a bit when I was in the South ... being a Yankee, you understand) and maybe we overcompensate in trying to be "American" (thus, the rugged cowboy image of William H. Hart) and that is when we REALLY stand out ("Because people start saying you smell like butter"). Just some thoughts your poem provoked. Sorry that they are more of a side-bar commentary than a critique. I enjoyed it more once I understood it. I'm not crazy about the second stanza, however. I think it is a little over-stated and the meaning was a little obscure to me. I keep thinking about it, though. Later. Jim |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
Such a creative poem, i loved it! i have the imagination of a wombat, so i really admire the way you can write such thought provking poerty inspired by milk. The word asymetrical in the first stanza stood out a little . It seemed to describe the taste of milk as unusual, or peculiar....though it did create some interest for me..so i guess it all works out apples. Overall a great piece, which i definetly enjoyed! Thanks for such a creative read! -libbi- |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim, Why'd you have to go and bring up In and Out Burger? It seems to me you have an idea for a poem yourself on the same 'subject'. There's no reason for identity and self-consciousness to be limited to arbitrary national borders. I remember how I felt when I was 'back East' (do you hate when people say that?). People seemed almost disappointed that I didn't surf. Libbi, Thanks for the kind remarks. The process here comes from something Ashbery said about letting the work flow from line to line rather than starting with a conceptual idea (this is different from writing words as quickly as possible, trying to verbalize an emotion). I followed his advice here and then went back and tried to piece it together (admittedly, about halfway through the first draft, though, I knew where I was going to go -- I'm a concept kind of guy). Thanks, Brad |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
What a hoot ! Pulled me right through to the punch line.Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I enjoyed this very much, Brad. I think it is an excellent idea developed in an excellent tone. I loved the cowboy boot line and I too thought the ending was brilliant. Couple of observations I wanted to make, however. 'Asymmetrical parabola' is a good image but it is asymmetrical with the rest of the wording in your poem -- sorry couldn't resist. That is it sticks out as an anomaly which may not be what you want. You start the poem 'When I lived in Japan', which is kind of docile for me, but it fits in pretty well. And I was kind of confused as to whether you're saying the milk is different in Japan or you just had the idea for this poem while thinking about Japan? I didn't understand the Japan connection or why you needed it. You also say 'natural' like, 'smoking a cigarette, squatting on a toilet, or sweating in a kimono'. All very good images, but squatting and sweating and to many people smoking also have unpleasant connotations. Is that what you're going for? Natural but with an unpleasant aspect as well? Finally you say 'you're proud because it's healthy', but I think most health nuts would agree that whole milk is not good for you, especially in large quantities. Skim milk and low fat milk is a different story. But the old notion that 'milk is healthy' doesn't fly anymore with everybody. Just a few observations. I know you appreciate honesty. This is a good poem, and at first I thought I'd give you a B+ for it but the closer I examined it (as in I read it a second time) I decided a B- or C+ may be more accurate. I'll go with the B-. Bear in mind I'm grading you against yourself -- what I see as opposed to what I think your potential is. And this poem too has great potential.  ) |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
marq is out of control. absolutely out of control! someone wrestle that red pen out of his hand before he gives us homework assignments!  luv Elyse |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: Hey ... I miss In & Out Burger as much as you do. California pizza sucks but, man, you left-coasters know how to fry a burger! quote: I agree that there is no good reason for it, but isn't this the way it is anyway? You're right about my having an idea for a poem on that "subject" (get out of my head, will ya?). Someday I'll be able to cough it out. quote: You don't surf? AWWwwwwWWWW MAN! Later. Jim P.S. Marq has a good point about the parabola thing. I like the line ... I'm just sure I like it in this poem. |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
I was told once that it was not being in the foreign country (she was in Japan for a while) but coming home that made it feel very unnerving and strange. She said that America is a strange place, and you don't notice it until you've left then come back in. I took this piece at face value, a piece about being in a strange culture, where everything is different, sight, sound, tastes, smells. I've never travelled out of country, but this piece let me experience what it might feel like, oh, and if ever I do go to Japan, I don't think I'm drinking the milk |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Just like I'm slow at getting back to my own poems for revision, I'm also slow at getting around to commenting on other poems. To tell the truth, I didn't like this one. I get the feeling you want to get across a serious point, but I find it hard to take the poem seriously. Case in point, the last line. That last line comes across almost as a joke to me. I can't take that seriously. It makes me think of those commericals where people whine about being bloated from eating ice cream and then some weird voice over guy talks about this medicine or that medicine which cures their lactose intolerance. Also, on a technical note, there is no possible way you could ever, ever, ever have an asymetrical parabola. That line just makes me mad b/c of it's impossibleness. I guess I don't really have any suggestions to give, but I think that's b/c the poem isn't the type that I tend to like. After reading what you said about this being an exercise in similes, I think that in an attempt to put them in your poem, you've overdone it. It all comes across as too obvious and forced in a way. I don't even really know what point I'm driving at. I just realized that. And I have a calc test tomorrow. Okay, maybe all of that stuff up above is more coherent than I realize. I don't know. I just think sleep sounds good. I'll see you around Brad. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Something else I realized. Your first stanza says you are going to explain why milk tastes like an asymmetrical parabola. But then, it never seems like you do. Okay, never mind. I see why it pays to go back and read all replies. So, if you want to show a return back to something, why are you using a parabola. If you pick one direction on a parabola and constantly move that direction, you are never going to return to your starting point. You just keep going and going. Maybe a circle is a possibility, but then again, asymmetrical circles don't exist either. Maybe you shouldn't use a geometrical shape here. But now, reading what you said just before, talking about an addiction and going to far in one direction, maybe a parabola is the right shape to use. Damn, my whole post has just gone around in a vicious circle (a symmetrical one though, mind you *grins*). Hmmmmm, I guess now I'm saying that asymmetrical isn't the right word, and not just b/c I'm still stuck on the idea that an asymmetrical parabola doesn't exist. You say you want to describe taste as assymetrical, but then when you back that statement up, it seems that either you aren't really describing something that's asymmetrical, or you are stretching a lot to make taste fit the definition. My dictionary describes asymmetrical as an object "having no balance." Are you saying taste has no balance? Why? To have balance, you need two sides to taste, and does taste have two sides? You say that there is natural tasting something and then I guess unnatural (not your words, but I think it is essentially the same thing, for my purpose at least). But is it really the taste of the milk that is asymmetrical? Or is it the person's response to the taste? I would tend toward the latter statement. So, I think your poem has a problem in the opening by not associating the asymmetry with the wrong object. Well, these are my thoughts on that. They ended up a little longer and more confusing than I expected, but that's okay. See ya Brad. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to everybody who replied. Marq, a B-, huh? I can live with that. Still, with the idea of milk as unhealthy, healthy, I was trying to show that too much of anything, going too far in any one direction is never a good thing. Dragonpoe, That's been my experience as well. Ryan, That one line seems to be the problem line for everybody but I see what you're saying. You can't have an asymmetrical parabola in the same sense that you can't have an symmetrical square. Nevertheless, I wanted the intent of a journey, the intent of a parabolic course that was in a sense never completed. You can't go home again kind of thing. Thinking about revisions. Thanks again. Brad |
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