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Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2000-10-16 12:20 PM


Human spirit, they say, is strong and stupendous,
And if it desires, the soul of a person
Could break through sinew and tendons,
With no intention of changing its course. Then,
Our bodies would crumble like deserted asylums,
Taking down everything within their vicinity
Into deep waters, where the sound of violins
Will hit the casualties with the speed of infinity.
Gods sank the Titanic as a metaphor and an omen,
For what might occur if we get too powerful.
But I feel,-- soon, my soul will dive from the oven
And I’ll plunge, with a hissing, gulping a mouthful
Of the life blood, -- of love and poetry,
Of her perfume, and other perplexities...
Overwhelmed, I’ll hit bottom and urgently,
I'll return to the place of my Exodus.



Check out my poetry here:


http://cafepoetry.com/stage1/andrey_kneller.htm#My%20Hamlet



© Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

1 posted 2000-10-16 05:37 PM


I like this for how it spreads itself out, but think it would more powerful if the energy here was harnessed.  I think it is beautiful but ambiguous.  Perhaps you could sharpen it by making the descriptive connection between yourself, the Titanic and your Exodus.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2000-10-16 11:10 PM


I think this has a lot of potential but agree with YM that you should pin it down a bit more. I think many of the words here (the ones most people might consider the strongest perhaps, actually detract from the real moment you seem to be trying to express). The Titanic would be an interesing experiment.

Quickly, I'm going to run through this and try to give which lines I mean are "too much" and which give this piece a rather unique flavor (I apologize for my brevity).

Human spirit, they say, is strong and stupendous,

--who says this?

And if it desires, the soul of a person
Could break through sinew and tendons,

--this give me something to hold on to

With no intention of changing its course.

--again, something like a metaphor developing.

Then,
Our bodies would crumble like deserted asylums,

--ambiguous (not really) but certainly intriguing. A lot to play with here that doesn't get played.

Taking down everything within their vicinity
Into deep waters, where the sound of violins
Will hit the casualties with the speed of infinity.

--sorry, doesn't do it for me. Too much.

Gods sank the Titanic as a metaphor and an omen,
For what might occur if we get too powerful.

--Too much. Gods sank the Titanic because of our arrogance, not our power.

But I feel,-- soon, my soul will dive from the oven

--presumably, this is the same thing you were talking about before. I found it disconcerting -- asylums, spirits, ovens all hint in a certain direction but you seem to pin it down to a carnal encounter later. Seems a little contradictory to me.

And I’ll plunge, with a hissing, gulping a mouthful

--like this

Of the life blood, -- of love and poetry,
Of her perfume, and other perplexities...
Overwhelmed, I’ll hit bottom and urgently,
I'll return to the place of my Exodus.

--Master, are you doing the sex thing again? Just think you're overdoing it a bit. Give us some humor.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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