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Wasted time
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wasted time |
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Man With A Revolver New Member
since 2000-10-04
Posts 7Netherlands |
The fall arrives and everything falls apart. The blood you shed is shattering my heart. The winter comes, the blistering wind reaps all. The demon you kissed will break my crystal soul. The spring is near and springs of decay unwind. The greed you hold is hollowing my mind. The summer's gone, ash simmering in the hive. The love you loathe loads the gun that takes my life. Seasons will wither and life ceases to spring. The wasted time simmers, the sinners are falling. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Don't you think you need a stronger structure to coincide with your theme here. I detect no real irony (which is how these things work in rhyme)? crystal soul? I like this line: ash simmering in the hive. although when I first read it, I thought it was shimmering -- shimmering creates a more visual sensation to my mind. Why not model this on some Eliot's stuff (obviously the Wasteland but maybe think about Gerontion). You also might want to think about moving from the Autumn death analogy. That's fairly common. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Man With A Revolver New Member
since 2000-10-04
Posts 7Netherlands |
Personally I think the structure and theme coincide pretty good. The recurrence of death and decay together with many recurring types of rhyme in every stanza. Could you explain your point a bit more detailed, maybe? Why do you think there should be irony in this piece? To make it more lightly?!? A crystal soul is a transparent one, exposing its nature, but therefor it's brittle and sensitive. About shimmering. I am in doubt.. maybe you're right. But the meaning of simmering does suit the poem better. It's not an autumn death analogy, it's mocking with that exact theme by stating every season is filled with death. Hopefully I don't come across too defensively. I do appreciate your critique. Thank you for your time |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not defensive at all. Well argued in some places (that is what this place is for -- to talk about this stuff, not to tell you what to do, but to offer possible suggestions and opinions). I understand your point about the seasons but I don't think that quite comes off (maybe put summer in the beginning or something -- autumn is just too strong an analogy and used to often to begin the poem. Unless you're trying to deceive readers here and misdirect them in the way I was?). Nah, I still don't think it works.  When I said irony, I was thinking of certain poems of Eliot and his use of seasons and indeed horrible scenes with rhyme -- "Sweeney Among the Nightingales" for example but I thought it would be better to stay away from the rhyme altogether, to explore the details of the scene or scenes without using the season imagery. I think the rhyme is hampering the possibilities here. That said, we don't want the scenery to be too graphic, do we? Still, I think Eliot would make an excellent model here. Thanks for responding. Brad |
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