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Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

0 posted 2000-10-13 12:27 PM

This lung disease
Has restricted me
By removing my capability
Of directing my passion to a paid career
Instead of towards my family.

This lung disease
Has denied me
The affleunt's luxury
Of draping my home with possessions
I want but don't need.

This lung disease
Has robbed from me
The inherent ability
To express indifference towards pain
Because of my own personal immunity.

This lung disease
Has limited me
In seizing my capability
To take life for granted
And see wellness as an entitlement.

This lung disease
Has winnowed from me
An alternate personality
And thrown me on a course I would not
Have selected without it's coercion.

This lung disease
Has clearly altered me
Physically to some degree
Yet my soul has never been more healthy
So who can say I am not better off?

I first wrote this several months ago, but changed much of it. I am interested in any feedback.

Thank you
Jeen

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-21

Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia

1 posted 2000-10-13 12:49 PM

Jeen this is a very powerful piece in its simplicity and inambiguity... it doesn't hold back anything at all -- and thats just what this kind of a work needs to be..

I never read the original so -- I have no comparative thoughts...

On this in it's current format though -- I'd suggest removing 'Lung' so that it has a broader appeal -- I know that doing so wouldn't convey your own personal experience -- but almost all of us will know someone with or have some kind of disease at some time -- making it less specific I think would allow the reader to identify with it better

also -- I'd cut out the word 'has' at the begining of each line and highlight the verbs

RESTRICTED
DENIED
ROBBED
LIMITED
WINNOWED
ALTERED

and make the altered line

Altered me clearly

I'd also ask if there is significance to you in the pyramid/triangle format of each verse?

If not -- I'd just use a normal paragraph style -- it's easier to read IMHO

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-10-15 05:31 PM

Disagree with LR here on the use of "has"

This lung disease,
restricted me
By removing my capability
Of directing my passion to a paid career
Instead of towards my family.

This lung disease
denied me
The affluent's luxury
Of draping my home with possessions
I want but don't need.

--Creates an entirely and less effective to my mind.

--Nicely done. The repetition gives you a lot of leeway in terms of the meter. My only suggestion would be to shorten it slightly. I knew what you were going to do almost immediately and so the longer it is, the less powerful the conclusion.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

3 posted 2000-10-16 09:20 AM

Brad

Thanks for commenting on my poem. I sent an e-mail to you but in case you have no idea who it's from, I'll post back here.

It is so hard to know when to clip away unnecessary fillers in my poems without losing the tone that makes the poem convey my intentions.

I am going to play with it again changing a few things. Can I then post it back here for additional critique?

Jeen

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