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warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563


0 posted 2000-09-26 07:05 PM


When I feel all alone, I think of you,
My spirit lifts each time, it never fails,
No matter how oft my heart falls to ails,
Your image 'hind my eyes; it gets me through,
The darkest times fall quickly out of view.
Times do occur when songs of nightingales
Float mournfully; the tune not of the scale,
And I yearn for your presence; born anew.
Then I recall the precious moments spent,
And how you held me; arms about me tight,
I feel them there; the safety, comfort warm,
I know you're with me, as if heaven sent,
The pieces fall together, seeming right,
I can withstand the waves of any storm.

Kris


"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

© Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2000-09-27 11:34 AM


Well, here I go, being negative again. Kris, this just isn't your best effort, from a technical standpoint. The thought and content is nice enough and pretty freshly done, the form is correct and the rhyme is spot on. But the meter is pretty ragged. The syllable count is right (if you really demand that) but I just can't read it with a consistent rhythm, iambic or otherwise.

I won't go into the detail Philip did recently on Libbi's poem because I don't think you need that. Here, though, are the lines which cause me the most trouble.

No matter how hard I try, I can't help but read line 3 as

   no MAT-ter how OFT my HEART FALLS to AILS

Then lines 8, 9 and 12 don't seem to flow smoothly, although they are not as awkward as 3.

If you try to read this with the word stresses and sound lengths where they would occur in normal speach, I think you will find that it no longer sounds like a sonnet. Instead you will have to force the stresses and stretch some of the sounds, which then messes up the whole feel of the piece.

Of course, this could be just me, having a bad day or something. Funny, as I go back and read this as free verse, it really comes across much better. I don't know if that's legitimate or not but, if it is, then I congratulate you for a job well done.

In any case, you have, as usual, presented a lovely and well worded sentiment with your story, your choice or words and the emotions provoked by it. Makes one envy the person you directed it to.

Thanks
Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-09-27 05:00 PM


Well Pete,

Ya know there's a darn good reason why you can't seem to find a rhythm...you just read it differently than I do.

For ecample:"no MATter HOW oft MY heart FALLS to AILS,
your IMage 'HIND my EYES; it GETS me THROUGH,"

Now what's wrong with that? Hmmmmmmmmmmm?
Thank you Pete for reading and for your criticism...I do appreciate it.

Kris


"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
3 posted 2000-09-28 07:09 AM


kris

in general terms i agree with pete though i don't have a problem with the two lines he highlighted, i read them as you set out.

line 7 i read as:

FLOAT mourn FUL ly the TUNE not OUT of the SCALE

i dont have any problem with the trochee first foot or indeed the dactyl but, i suspect because i pronounce mournfully with three syllables, i end up with a bit of confusion a the end of the line!

also in the next line i cant help stressing "yearn"..

having said that it has a nice feel to it and a clear and satisfying "turn"

one thing though - i have to admit i've heard lots of nightingales but never thought of them as "mournful" - maybe that's just my overly cheerful disposition though ....lol

nice job

philip


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