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Critical Analysis #1
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no title (a sonnet..i think)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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no title (a sonnet..i think) |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
This is the first sonnet i have ever written (this will become incredibly obvious when you read it). Infact i'm not entirely certain it is a sonnet Its such a morbid sound it haunts me More than the disturbing screams which follow I'm so powerless you see.The sound waves chill my spine Bring dark blood into my ears as old flesh wounds are Freshened in an anti-nostaligic kind of way Your eyes are drowned in tears but i can't Run to save you now for in you face I see my own. There is a bitter taste of guilt Upon your lips, i want to scream out loud The fault is not your own. The sound it peels My skin back to the bone, and freezes Both my feet upon the ground on which they stand. I know that time will never heal your wounds But i'll except my past and help you soon. -Libbi- |
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| © Copyright 2000 Libbi - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
we have certain sonnet aficionados in this forum who will be salivating to get stuck into this ...lol..so just to annoy them i shall sneak in a reply on a sunday when everyone else is sunbathing or at Disneyland or indulging in a spot of gang warfare or what ever it is that you do over there on sunday afternoons (did someone whisper "church" ! huh?).... anyway hi Libbi and welcome to CA ..I'm philip btw and the reason I'm online right now is that, as i live in england, it's raining (it rains every sunday here) .... let me say right out that this might be your first sonnet, but no way is it your first poem, right? you handle enjambment and imagery in a way that suggests you've been writing for a while and there are some nice bits here. also let me say up front that, in my opinion, there is no doubt whatsoever that this is a sonnet. about the only thing that can be said with some certainty about a "sonnet" nowadays is that it has fourteen lines ....lol ..... This has fourteen lines - hence it is a sonnet. Now before all the hordes of traditionalists descend on me and accuse me of losing what few remaining marbles they think i have, I'll quickly give you the following: sonnet - a fixed verse form of Italian origin consisting of fourteen lines that are typically five-foot iambics rhyming according to a prescribed scheme. English or Shakespearean sonnet -a sonnet consisting of three quatrains and a couplet with a rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef gg Italian or Petrarchan sonnet - a sonnet consisting of an octave rhyming abba abba and a sestet rhyming in any of various patterns (as cde cde or cdc dcd) These of course are the traditional definitions and maybe in some respect your sonnet falls short of meeting such rigid form - but it is none the worse for that IMHO. However, some for instances: for instance most old sonnets were iambic in stress pattern ie da-DUM, and most consisted of 5 iambs per line ie iambic pentameter: da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM there were exceptions to this (or as jim would say "acceptable variations") such as the inverted or trochaic first foot: DUM-da or the unstressed 11th syllable on a line end (the feminine ending). Looking at your piece: its-SUCH a-MOR bid-SOUND it-HAUNTS me more-THAN the-DIS TUR-bing SCREAMS-which FOLL-ow to be honest I'm having difficulty deciding how this line reads but one thing i know is that no way are these perfect iambs although that particular line does appear to be pentameter which is by no means the case throughout ie the next line which is at least 12 syllables and possibly 13 depending on how you pronounce "powerless"! BUT ... (and the purists are gonna hate this!) i really liked it..lol .. at least what i mean is that i liked the way it read, the short sentences, the enjambment and the choppiness all meshed well i thought with the brittle nature of the poem, emphasising the unformed raw emotion pouring out in rather a disjointed "from the gut" fashion. The rhyme scheme ... interesting........... i can't believe you are a novice at this! The end-"rhymes" are half rhymes using assonance and consonance well to give a scheme as follows: abab cdcd effe gg or me and spine (maybe stretching it a little!) follow and are way and face can't and guilt loud and stand peels and freezes wounds and soon (excellent) but of course this is not all! you have a lively "internal" rhyming going on as well with several true rhymes: ears and tears own and bone peel and heal etc etc all contribute well i think to a fluid read, though you might consider omitting the uppercase where there is enjambment. imagery ..... i loved: "Bring dark blood into my ears ..." .... it was worth reading this if only for that phrase alone ... really really good I thought couple of typos: "nostalgic" (and btw ..I'm a little unsure of whether "anti-nostalgic" works) and "you face" > "your face" I have to admit the message of the poem is still coming over confused to me which detracts a little from the "nice" sound of it, and phrases like: "Your eyes are drowned in tears" might be considered a little overused or cliche but overall this had a pretty competent feel to it in many ways, and if it's one of your first, it's a pretty incredible job.. thanks. oh and finally, I'm going to try and find a few sonnets from the past on this forum and bring them to the top again - you might like to read them - some are quite good ~smile~ .. philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
me again libbi.... give the sonnets by brad and warmhrt and notapoet and jbouder and jenni and poetrykills and wordshaman a read if you have time and the replies as well ... you may learn something and have a laugh at the same time  p |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
libbi, Sonnets are sometimes tricky to get the hang of, but *WARNING*...once you do fall into their rhythm, they CAN be addicting. I had to wean myself off slowly, and now allow only an occasional foray into their territory. Philip has already provided you with an immense amount of info, but I'll just add that if you think of the rhythm as beats, it may be easier. 10 beats per line, every other one stressed. Think of a song, read out your words as they would naturally be pronounced, and see if they fall into that da-DUM rhythm. If not, you have to change them around, or use different words until you find that rhythm. It can be difficult, but don't give up. You'll get it. For example...your first line goes along well, but is minus the final beat. You could add "still", or something similar, and you would have a line of iambic pentameter. You'll get a good laugh from one of mine that Philip brought up....I finally got somewhat of a grasp on the rhythm, but wrote it with 15 lines! I was ready to give up, but didn't...couldn't... Well, I'll shut-up now. Keep trying...good luck...you'll be addicted in no time. Kris< !signature--> "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 09-24-2000).] |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
Thanks for your replies Phillip, they were of much help to me. When i wrote this piece, the one thing i knew about sonnets was that they had 14 lines (oh and something about the last two lines rhymming), so your explanations were extremely helpful. I've only been writting poetry for about the last couple of months; mostly in free verse as i knew little about different kinds of poetry when i started to write. N E way back to the poem.... I do agree with you that anti-nostalgic doesn't seem to fit, i'm honestly not even sure if its a word, it just seemed right at the time (though now i'm having serious second thoughts). Your right when you say the message comes over as confused.... I suppose i didn't want the theme to be completely obvious, though now i fear it is too hidden. If a sonnet had 18 lines i might be able to explain myself, lol.. hmm...did you get anything from the sonnet message wise, beacause i think that is the most important thing about any poem (although i know thousands would not agree). Maybe i will have to explain myself a little more. Thanks for all of your comments Phillip, and i hope it stops raining for you soon  I look foward to reading the sonnets you suggested, thanks again for your time! -libbi- |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
Thanks Kris for your words of motivation! I really liked your sonnet! It was original, because no one has ever written that kind of poetry with 15 lines . You should name it as a specific kind of sonnet, then you can go down in history as that person who invented the sonnet (wait for it) with the extra line. You could be famous lol -libbi- |
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