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grandiloquent
Member

since 1999-07-08

Posts 104
Midwest America

0 posted 2000-09-21 11:37 PM

Of any of the poems I show friends, this one seems to get the most, and the highest acclaim. Analysis I'm looking for: reasons why this seems to strike a chord with so many people, criticisms, and (of course) ideas for improvement. Any other comments are most definitely welcome.

Against Sense and Physics
if space is spaceless, void,
what keeps matter from inflating it?
the gravity that crushes it all together
where is it's source?
why don't we spill out in its gaping ready mouth
unlined, unloosing?
what weaves us secure?
Our bodies so soft they hemorrhage when bare near moons
but what keeps the skin solid? Shouldn't cells squish, stretch
defy all nature, and spread filling all it can fill,
like the hungry hands of explorers? And if space is formless, utterly emptied,
then should it not be degreeless -- no temperatures, no blinding cold? Or is cold full of
independent form?
Perhaps in some other
dimension space is teeming --
a sea of boundless tides --
the amazing spectrum
of the rings in thermometers
Then when we breathe, the
warm shatters Technicolor, or burns like the psyche
and the sound, oh the SOUND of breath
could crisscross into somethings
not unlike color,
not unlike liquid, not unlike knives
Out of atmosphere it becomes sound that cannot travel
space says it is so and
sucks up the reverberations into its black holes
and deep nothing wells
so what if sound breaks paired with sound -- so that waves would flow
in ribbons wherever they choose if no other vibration were there to slice it?
The miles might knot together & I could whisper to Australia
on the if-day when noise comes collapsing and silence falls deleting
no lungs compressing, no teeth grinding, no taxis, no sheep
even the pricks of electricity bout by the mindless patter in some alien brain;
the murmurs only the deaf can feel
-- all shut out.
and in the sudden, the great void of it all, when
the ringing swells in their ears & clockwork runs soundlessly
-- madness strokes them softly, gently . . .
then could a sigh fluttering from my diaphragm shift the
eye sockets in China?
I could breathe not a word and the world would feel me speak.

grandiloquent
Member

since 1999-07-08

Posts 104
Midwest America

1 posted 2000-09-27 11:53 AM

I understand it takes awhile to read through all of the new posts and add a critique, but I would reallly love some insight on this piece. ( It's been up here a day or two, so I've been trying waiting it out).

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

2 posted 2000-09-28 12:36 PM

ok grand I'll have a stab at this.

the first thing to say is that reading it gave me a sense of being overwhelmed - a kind of flood of ideas and rather vague images that seemed fairly disjointed.

Additionally the formatting of the poem irritated me - i wondered at first whether the centre justified text was really necessary or is it simply a product of the fact that we can now easily do that sort of trick on wordprocessors?  a nice idea crossed my mind that the bulge in the middle about the line beginning "then should it not be degreeless" was intended to represent in some way the inflation of matter, but then again for me that didn't really compensate.

Furthermore - far too many questions "what?", "where?", "why?" followed by far too much vague speculation "Perhaps", "so what".

And the whole piece came off to me a bit "prosey" with sometimes seemingly random line breaks, yet at the same time with almost overly "poetic" phrases, the combination of which was a bit jarring i found.

And finally, on the negatives, frustratingly i really couldn't get anywhere near to understanding.  Sure, snippets here and there were illuminating, but overall the piece just left me muddled - BUT then that's nothing new for me, i have very great difficulty handling so called "dynamic" poetry of the john ashbery kind so if this poem  is shooting for that effect then the fact that i can't interpret any overall message probably means you succeeded.

Having said all of the above once i got past the barrage of questions which IMHO were just too much - oh apart from "weaves us secure" which was nice - things started to pick up considerably :

Perhaps in some other
dimension space is teeming

>>> bit sf'ish

a sea of boundless tides --

>>> ummm comes off close to cliche

the amazing spectrum
of the rings in thermometers

>>> interesting though I'm still grappling a bit with the image

Then when we breathe, the
warm shatters Technicolor,

>>> almost bizarre !

or burns like the psyche
and the sound, oh the SOUND of breathcould crisscross into somethings
not unlike color,
not unlike liquid, not unlike knives

>>> definitely bizarre, but not unpleasing (not sure about "oh the SOUND of breath" though)

Out of atmosphere it becomes sound that cannot travel
space says it is so and
sucks up the reverberations into its black holes

>>> definitely too sf'ish

and deep nothing wells

>>> liked "nothing wells" nice image i could grab onto even though it was "nothing"

so what if sound breaks paired with sound -- so that waves would flow
in ribbons wherever they choose if no other vibration were there to slice it?

>>> getting better and better

The miles might knot together & I could whisper to Australia
on the if-day when noise comes collapsing and silence falls deleting
no lungs compressing, no teeth grinding, no taxis, no sheep
even the pricks of electricity

>>> so far my favourite part and there seems to be "flow" here as well

bout by the mindless patter in some alien brain;
the murmurs only the deaf can feel
-- all shut out.

>>> bout?!

and in the sudden, the great void of it all, when
the ringing swells in their ears & clockwork runs soundlessly
-- madness strokes them softly, gently . . .
then could a sigh fluttering from my diaphragm shift the
eye sockets in China?
I could breathe not a word and the world would feel me speak.

>>>again interesting images ... wondering who "they" are?  the aliens, the sheep, the deaf?

towards the end i became convinced that this was a poem about the connectivity of things in the universe - that in apparent chaos there is in fact order and all events are linked.  the apparent chaos is certainly mirrored well in the form and disjointedness of the poem itself , perhaps too well!

anyway, i guess you can tell i have some reservations, but certainly a thought provoking read.

thanks

philip

[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 09-28-2000).]

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