Kiss Me but Once.... (my second attempt at a sonnet any input, is welcome)

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Parker
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since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
ON

0 posted 2000-09-21 01:48 PM

Kiss Me but Once

If you could know the heart within this sea,
That saw the light of life in pastel eyes;
Whose heart now lost to one who knows not me,
But, dare I show this love from hidden guise?

The day may come that I may brave the dare,
and drunkenly may talk in stuttered ways,
and fumble at the sight of lips so fair,
Oh hope, you do not laugh of this I pray.

A kiss, a kiss is all I want and dream;
Tis, but a simple gift to part my dear.
For it would be like soft and supple cream,
And not so bad that you may shed a tear.

So hear I am as brave as fools can be,
Kiss me but once, before I run and flee.

James Parker Haley © Sep 21, 2000

Sunshine

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since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2000-09-21 09:47 PM

Parker, slight revisions...just a thought...

If you could but know the heart within this sea,
that saw the light of life in pastel eyes;
whose heart now lost to one who knows not me,
dare I show this love from hidden guise?

The day may come that I may brave the dare,
as if drunk, to talk in stuttered ways,
then fumble I, at the sight of lips so fair,
oh hope, you would not laugh at this, I pray.

A kiss, a kiss is all I want and dream;
tis, but a simple gift to part my dear.
for t'would be like soft and supple cream,
and not so vile that you may shed a tear.

So here I am, as brave a fool as can be,
Kiss me but once, before I turn and flee.

Karilea
When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ

Parker
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since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
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2 posted 2000-09-21 10:26 PM

Sunshine, thank you for your suggestions.
This is only my second sonnet, but as I understand it... for the Shakespearean format, all lines must add to 10 syllables. Some of your changes didn't add to this count and one is more then ten… my dear.
I like the use of the word vile though, thanks.

Parker

Sunshine

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since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2000-09-22 09:53 AM

Ah, then you've taught ME something I didn't know...thank you!

Parker
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since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
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4 posted 2000-09-22 10:35 AM

now most of what I know is from Nan's area on sonnets.
I probabley got alot of the syllibles stresses wrong.
I prefer to attempt the Shakespearian format and i'm attempting to write it a little in the ackward grammer that he used.
Maybe I'll get it right on my fiftieth try.

Parker

jbouder
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since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

5 posted 2000-09-22 04:38 PM

James:

I don't think you've gotten any of the stresses wrong, unless you were going for pure, iambic meter.  "in PAST- / -EL EYES" seemed to soften the tone of the end of the second line and I thought it was complimentary to the poem.  "KISS me / but ONCE ..." in the beginning of the last line is a common enough substitution.

What I'd like to see is an attempt by you to write a sonnet using modern language unless your use of archaic language is consistent.  I don't think your use of it is.

I do want to mention that you've done a very good job for such an early attempt at this form and your feelings for this person come across loud and clear and my bet is that the poem was well recieved from her.  Maybe next time we could get a better picture of who you want to kiss (you've already made it clear that you want to kiss her).

Thanks for the read.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 09-22-2000).]

Parker
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since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
ON

6 posted 2000-09-22 05:11 PM

Jim, thanks for the critique....

Its the archaic that I want to move more towards. Seems everybody is doing the modern stuff....no fun in that.
I think i'll ask old Shake for some help on the old language and try and do a rewrite that way, and post it here, to get your opionion....
As for a better picture of who I want to kiss, she's in the Gallery.....
Cherry hued lips..... take a look.

Parker

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

7 posted 2000-09-23 02:56 PM

James,

I liked this one. I haven't tried my hand at sonnet writing yet. It does seem that the trend right now is modernism. Even with this, I like to read and write what sounds old and timeless.

Janie

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

8 posted 2000-09-25 05:09 PM

hi james

...like janie, I have yet to attempt a sonnet, I'm still working on getting the meter correct lol, I enjoyed your sonnet and the romantic idea of someone pining for just one kiss

thanks for the read james

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

9 posted 2000-09-26 10:43 PM

Parker,

I enjoyed reading this, and was pleasantly surprised that a male wrote it. It is a very tender and revealing piece, nicely written. I have a friend who should read this...he's had a secret crush on his "goddess" for years. (Why do men like that word?)

Another question crosses my mind, though. If you got one kiss, wouldn't you then want more?

Kris

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

Parker
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since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
ON

10 posted 2000-09-26 11:36 PM

Janie, thank you for your comments. I think that the term modernism is a little bit of a lie. Everythings been done, so it doesn't matter really. If it works and people find something from it, then there is the magic. I don't think Shakespear will ever really be out of fashion. 50 years from now, what their doing is going to be called modernism. Whats new is old. I just want to get closer to his old if I can ever attain it.

Debbie, thank you I like that idea too just need someone to pine it off of...

warmhrt, thank you, some men do show revealing parts...(no pun intended...

or is that buns intended). The final version is in open 9 if you want your freind to read it.

parker

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