»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Stop (some help?)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Stop (some help?) |
|
|
JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA 
|
Could someone tell me what is wrong with this poem? I am used to not getting many comments on my work, but this one has recieved almost nothing. Is it that bad or is it me that is being shunned? The sad part of it is, is that I actually worked on this one! Perhaps someone can shed some light on what is wrong with it or how I can improve it... STOP Feral whispers call me, echoing in empty skull. Beckoning fiercely to me urging my screeching lies. hush Whisper death of humanity, sing the song of corruption. Play the game of malevolence, rolling dice of life, betting on saintly failure. quit In earth's swirling mass of slop, mankind's society ebbs. Cloaked in madness disguised as right, masked in hatred painted in light. quiet fueled by selfishness, guided by greed {demon's seed}, Camelot dreams shrouded by pedestrian schemes. Bohemian desires eeriely lit, by suburban housewife fires, and death's stench permiates, from crawlspace of wasted minds. futility Tomes of ostentatious rebellion, bound in popular garb, cries for change sounding the same, from lips stained with blood. Prophets of a new age, shrieking with manufactured ire. stop Feeding on the souls of the stupid, shouting defiance to the evil, which they, themselves, perpetuate. doomsayers of endworld, prophets not, yes - profiteers. Humanity, insanity, inanity.  Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
||
| © Copyright 2000 JP Burns - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
JP: I think a more clearly defined argument would be helpful here. If you could help me get a picture of the antagonist in this poem, it would certainly be more interesting to me. As it stands, I either missed an allusion or the identity and characteristics of the antagonist are too vague. quote: I like some of your wording but you haven't given me a concrete image to latch on to. We have "Feral whispers" calling and "Beckoning fiercely" but you do not reveal what is being whispered to you. quote: Your strongest words here appear to be "humanity", "corruption", "malevolence", "life", and "saintly failure" and they are all very broad in meaning. You've revealed something of the content of the "Feral whispers" but I am still missing a context. quote: Depending on your world-view, "madness disguised as right" could be any given religious, political, legal, or socio-economic grouping of people. The "hatred painted in light" could be radical right or radical left-wing points-of-view. Because I am not sure whether you are talking about one, the other, or both, I am still left in the dark. quote: I think this stanza is a little better than the previous stanzas. I think you've addressed the futility of Utopia pretty well (selfishness being the maggot of idealism). Also, I think you've finally started to cut to the chase. This stanza seems to have a different voice than the previous stanzas ... you convey a stronger sense of the narrator's anxiety than you did in the previous stanzas and, as a result, this one works better for me. quote: I think the energy of your previous stanza carries on until at least the second line of this stanza. I think the spitting sound "ostentatious" communicates the narrator's disgust well. Then, in my opinion, you lapse back into the vagueness of your previous stanzas. quote: This stanza, again, in my opinion, would be much stronger if you were more compelling in the development of your argument. I want you to convince me that the so called "profiteers" are really perpetuating the evil they decry but because I am not sure of the identity of these "doomsayers", I have no idea if your accusations are straw men or if they are valid observations. Identify the antagonists and be specific. Even if I end up disagreeing with you, at least you've made your argument and position clear. I do think this poem has some good moments (as I mentioned above). There is, of course, always the chance that I missed something critical to the understanding of this poem.  Just an opinion. Jim |
||
|
JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Thanks for the feedback Jim, much appreciated. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. B. Russell |
||
|
JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Hey Jim, I had to come back to this because the response I recieved was nothing that I expected. It has been gnawing at me and I can't figure out exactly why. Well some of it has to do with my not understanding what you meant, entirely... I get the impression that the preference would be for this peice to spell out exactly who is saying what to whom, and why 'they' are saying. At the end of your critique you use terms I learned in debate class, which confused me. Do you prefer a poem to be developed as a logical argument, to establish an argument complete with first and second premise to develop a logically sound postion? Pardon me a moment... by the way my fingers were tapping the keys I get the feeling my 'voice' may be sounding a bit harsh. I mean no disrespect, I am just at a loss of understanding. Does this peice lend nothing to allow you your own interpretation of meaning? Does it provide no imagery for you to glean personal insight as to what it could possibly be about? If it doesn't then I have truly failed with this one. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. B. Russell |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
JP, I, unlike my esteemed and learned friend, do not feel that it all has to be spelled out. Leaving room for interpretation is one of the beauties of poetry, both for the reader and the writer. My only criticism is the stanza after the word "quiet". You're trying to fit too much in there...the lines are much longer than the other stanza's, making it seem out of place. It could use some paring down, or, perhaps, break it up into two stanzas. This would allow for more continuity in format, and a smoother read. One more little crit...the word "slop" in the third stanza should be SC'd...doesn't fit, nor do it's job, IMHO. "Play the game of malevolence, rolling dice of life, betting on saintly failure." >I liked this line a lot...it is such an accurate description. "Cloaked in madness disguised as right, masked in hatred painted in light." >This line, too, is well-written, as is the majority of the work. I enjoyed reading it very much. Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
JP: I was neither suggesting that all poems like yours should spell everything out for the reader nor was I suggesting that your poem should have been built around a logical formula. Your poem seems to teeter back and forth from wanting to be a logical poem (the format suggests this) to preferring a more anxious, emotional tone (your wording often moves you in this direction). Many poems I’ve read successfully achieve both. I think what makes them successful are realistic transitions from logic and form to seeming disjointed, randomness of thought. Your stanzas suggest a desire for form (or logic) but your vocabulary often seems to want to break that form and express the anxiety of the narrator. If that is the case, then I suggest you allow the form to reflect the anxiety of the narrator when appropriate … don’t be afraid to experiment with line breaks that seem disjointed if the thoughts you are attempting to convey are disjointed. When you do transition from feeling to thought, be more concrete in your language. Help the reader glean a better picture of the cause of anxiety with your word choice. The challenge with a poem that attempts to accomplish both is bringing both emotion and logic together to form a compelling argument … creating something both moving and convincing. Something that confused me was the use of “Camelot dreams” in the middle portion of the poem and a reference to “prophets/profiteers” in a later stanza. “Camelot” brought thoughts of the Kennedy family to mind almost immediately (a name almost synonymous with American liberal politics) and the “prophets/profiteers” brought to mind some of the fringe, right-wing Christian conservatives. But I wasn’t sure and had difficulty deciding which interpretation might be the right one or if both were right. I don’t think my problem was with your content so much as it was with your approach. I would suggest, if you want to keep the emotion AND logic, that you loosen the structure of the emotional lines and try to put your intended targets in the cross-hairs of your ire. Try to eliminate some of the friendly fire casualties. Here are some ideas and suggestions (I’m running short … sorry for cutting this short): Feral whispers call me, echoing, beckoning, urging – Hush! Whispers death, Corruption’s breath, I’m dicing the game of life – My bet’s on saintly failure. quit In Earth's swirling mass of new primordial slop, mankind ebbs – futility Cloaked in madness Disguised as right, Masked in hatred, Painted in light. Fueled by selfishness, Guided by greed, Camelot dreams, Pedestrian schemes. Bohemian desires light suburban housewife fires, The putrid stench rises from funeral pyres of wasted minds … Just some thoughts. Jim |
||
|
JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Thanks for the response Jim I see your position clearer now. I appreciate your comments as well Warmhrt Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. B. Russell |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey JP, I think I'll side with Kris on this one....for a change, I didn't think it all too vague, at least not to the point I couldn't find meaning in it. However, like Jim I think that maybe it could use just a little more of a base for that meaning to add to the poem. I didn't really care for the words between the stanzas. I don't think they were very effective. Also consider chopping out the last three words..."humanity, insanity, inanity"...reminded me too much of "humanity-schoomanity" and seemed too light for the rest of the poem. I think you effectively set the angry tone however at times I found the poem read too preachy, talking at me instead of with/to me....but that on a plus side also lent itself to the angry mood. ANyways, I hate cutting a critique short but I'm out of time, I think that its an interesting statement/poem that could use a little fine tuning to really grab the reader. Perhaps consider a more ironic ending or a wrap up more strongly connected to what has already been said. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
||
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
JP I found the this poem to be interesting, but I'm inclined to agree with Jim in most of his observations. Moving back and forth between logic and emotional anxiety is what this poem seems to be attempting to do, but the balance is not, IMO, there. The antagonists' attempt to unravel things, alienates him/her from the reader and as such, any emotional expression can be mis-interrpeted and or disdained. I think this poem has great life. I just don't know that the form supports it. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
