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Hinoki Cypress Haiku (first revision)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hinoki Cypress Haiku (first revision) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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The dwarfed Hinoki Twists to reach the open sky -- The silenced boy speaks. EXPLANATORY NOTE: Dwarf Hinoki Cypress – A popular bonsai form with twisted, dark green foliage and branches that spread out in layers. Very slow growth, but it will grow to 4-7' in time. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 09-20-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The first two lines are fine -- although you might argue that dwarfed is repetitious. The last line fails. Not the idea, that's okay, but it fails because you are trying to connect it too closely to the other two. I think you should rewrite that line and contrast it as a separate image. Please, please, get rid of that 'and'. Just an opinion, Brad PS Since I seem to be ripping up haiku these days, I'll post a few so that others may have the opportunity to rip mind apart as well.  PPS We must be fair about these things. |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
I thought this was good, but I do agree with Brad that the last line has in a sense already been stated. Therefore it lacks that twist of unexpectation which raises the poetic eyebrows. But I loved the overall imagery and determinant desperation it conveyed. Do you think Brad has misread or mistaken the term "Haiku" for "Hack-you"?? LOL. Sorry Brad, just had to get that in there. I have really enjoyed and learned from your comments. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Jim, Just an idea for revision, maybe it'll inspire like this Hi-choo did what I'm about to write, A born Hinoki Twists to reach the open sky A tired bird falling. I dunno, just playing around a bit seeing what is tahw. Thanks for the read. Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: Thanks for the comments. Perhaps the revised final line gives the reader a better idea of where I was going with this. I’m still getting used to this form. Thanks for the pruning. In addition, considering that not all Hinoki Cypress are dwarfs, I do not think that dwarfed is repetitious. In the revision, I actually hope it strengthens the parallelism of the poem. Stephanos: Keep say, “Brad is pruning, not hacking … Brad is pruning, not hacking” and, before you know it, the pain will fade.  Trevor: Thanks for commenting and for the suggestion. I think your suggestion actually set me in the direction of the “right track”. Thanks again. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Jim, I have tried but I just can't seem to develop an interest in haiku or any of these little forms. I'm sure it must be a personal problem as they ccertainly do seem to be all the rage these days. But I'm sure yours is good, as you always write good Thanks (though sorry) Pete |
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Parker Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129ON |
JIm...... I'm no expert, or even that familier with all the rules or maybe any of them.... But doesn't that last line now cross the boundry to Senryu from Haiku. If it doesn't tell me why, so I may learn a bit more here about the rules of these two form differences... Parker |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I liked this...immediatly reminded me of Donovan. Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, Loved the revision, like Haleyja I'm unsure of whether this would be considered haiku or senryu...doesn't really matter I guess, perhaps it would be better mentioned as a hybred of the two....the "Jimkuryu". The great thing about this poem you created is that the first two lines could be referring to the last line, like a senryu dealing with human nature or the last line could be referring to the first two, like a haiku dealing with nature.Anyways, strong revision, thanks again for the read. I wonder what kind of Haiku or Senryu a Hinoki would write if it could.... I am not a dwarf but rather you are giants too tall for yourselves Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: No need to apologize. It is probably in the way that a haiku or senryu demands to be read ... the success or failure of the poem seems to depend more on the thoughts and reflections it evokes and less on the development of theme. Maybe if you focused more on the tension between being to vague and being too general, your left brain would be satisfied. Haleyja: Thanks for commenting. I think if this poem hasn't crossed the line from haiku to senryu, it has come pretty close. Also, my regard for obeying the "rules" of forms has deteriorated lately. I suppose when we begin experimenting, rules are the first casualty. As far as your question is concerned (being more serious now), the nature theme is very much a part of what makes a haiku a haiku, but equally important is the conveyance of the moment of insight to the reader. I may have sacrificed one for the other and perhaps that makes this poem fail. I don't know. Kris: I'm glad this brought thoughts of big D to your mind. In fact, something you wrote some time ago (about Donovan being the one who is really doing the hard work) that started germinating this poem in my mind. Thanks. My aim was to tie the effort of the dwarf hinoki cypress (to exceed its nomenclature)to the silenced boy speaking. Donovan (now 5-years old) is autistic (the "nomenclature"), as you know, and recently started speaking (as early as July, Donovan was essentially non-verbal). His treatment involves intensive, one-to-one instruction from 30 to 40 hours per week and it finally appears to be paying off. I watch-dog the school system to make sure they obey the law but my boy is the one who is really working hard to overcome his disability. Trevor: Thanks for the kind reply and I love YOUR Hinoki Cypress Haiku. I'm glad the parallelism worked for you and that you liked the poem. I kinda like the sound of Jimkuryu. Jim |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Hey, just stopped by. I'm kind of like Pete in that I'm not really into haikus but as far as haikus go, I have no complaints. (you're already received a wealth of advise any ways) Janie |
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