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Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

0 posted 2000-09-14 04:27 AM


Hi everyone, I have been practicing some exercises in the poetry workshop and I have a question. I wonder if this would be considered alliteration even though every sound is not exactly the same. I have written other poems of alliteration and focused only on one particular consonant sound. This time, I tried to be a little more subtle, but still tried to fit a common sound into the poem, mostly the letter S. Any comments?
Thanks!

Caroline Sneedy, tall and reedy,
always wore yellow and red
and though not too smart,
she had a big heart,
(at least that’s what everyone said).
One day in the city, particularly pretty,
she met a strange man on the street,
his name was Bill Klinker,
and he was a stinker,
(in attitude and in his feet!)

Well soon they were talking, smiling and walking,
like old friends from days gone by,
and Caroline was captured, completely enraptured,
by Bill who was sneaky and sly.

Then he said Honey? You got any money?
My wallet was stolen last night,
and dear mama’s sick, I need it real quick
(His smile was a dazzling white)

Sweet Caroline Sneedy, though not very greedy
was selfishly happy to please,
in hopes that Bill Klinker,
(the suave, hustling, stinker)
would someday propose on his knees

He promised to hurry and off did he scurry
and when he returned they would wed,
then life would be bliss for the naïve young miss,
who looked lovely in yellow and red.

But  several weeks later, she searched for the traitor
the shady fast-talking Bill Klinker,
who'd fed her a tale as big as a whale,
(and she’d swallowed it, hook line and sinker.)

Caroline Sneedy, tall and reedy,
always wore yellow and red,
though she’d lost her kind heart,
she sure did grow smart,
(at least that’s what everyone said.)


© Copyright 2000 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-09-14 09:51 PM


Alliteration is just the repetition of the same first sound in words, right? There's no pattern you have to follow unless you want to write Old English style (Beowulf). You're using alliteration, consonance, repetition, and internal rhyme -- this gives it a nice feel. I do think this can be cleaned up a bit some of the lines seem a bit awkward.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
2 posted 2000-09-15 03:54 PM


hi hon!  i actually thought this was very cute.  nottoo hevy on the alliteration,as brad said, but the rhyme was great. although,it does change up a teeny bitin places.  but very cute, i enjoyed much  
luv Elyse

Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida
3 posted 2000-09-17 09:30 AM


Brad and Elyse thanks for the feedback!  I don't know what internal rhyme is Brad, so I'm not sure where I used it!
You're right there are a few places that could probably be changed but I don't think I'll bother, I wrote it mostly just to play with the sounds!
Thanks again,
Debbie

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2000-09-17 06:41 PM


Internal rhyme are just rhymes within the line as opposed to rhymes that end the line.

You make a good point though. You don't have to know the terminology to do anything because the terminology is really just an attempt to explain what writers have been doing all along.

Thanks,
Brad

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
5 posted 2000-09-20 04:04 AM


Hi Debbie,

Normally I'm not a big fan of this type of poem, lymric'y and really light hearted but I have to say I loved this poem, light hearted but with a subtle message and the rhyme and wording were excellent. None of it seemed forced.
I'm guessing, and I could be wrong but I bet this was probably one of the easiest poems you've ever written...not because it seemed simple but just because it flowed so well from one stanza to another. I'm guessing you had it done in under twenty minutes. Just a guess, call me a jack ass if I'm wrong.

Anyways, excellent poem, really enjoyed it, thanks for the read, take care,

Trevor

Romy
Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida
6 posted 2000-09-20 08:30 AM


Hi Trevor,
You're right! It didn't take too long to write this poem, but then I wasn't really putting alot of thought into it!  The end-rhymes were easy to work with and it was fun to experiment with sounds.
Thanks, Debbie

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