Soldier's Story - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

0 posted 2000-09-14 12:36 PM

Stabbing pain, shooting glory
Red badge tells this soldier’s story
Drifting smoke, explosions pounding
He hides from violence all surrounding
Flee the bullets; mask the guns
Faster, faster, he faster runs
Feel the panic; know the fear
As four score soldiers draw ever near
See the sweat; hear heart beating
Frozen tracks, he ceased retreating
Yellow soul replaced by fire
He prepared himself for funeral pyre
Strap the powder; hold the lighter
Know the sight of black igniter
Step from forest; catch their eye
Lead them toward him; make them die
Shouts of laughter, a hunter’s fury
Press of button, shrapnel flurry
Hades’ fire engulfs the night
Set him free, soul’s last flight
Know the pain; see the madness
Hear this story of courageous sadness

Even with a lot of imagination, does it make the story less true?

Wesley the Blue
Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA

1 posted 2000-09-14 05:16 PM

pretty good. I liked it, but the last half was a little confusing, what happened to the soldier? did he step on a land mine? did he get the other soldiers with a remote detonated explosive? or what? Just my opinion.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-09-15 12:25 PM

I think you're trying to force this style rather than letting it work for you. You're using this imperative mode to, my guess is, create a strong illusion of immediacy but I think it actually goes in the opposite direction. If you want to use that style it should probably be a lot shorter.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

3 posted 2000-09-16 01:43 PM

This has a nice flow and a nice consistency. The rhymes are mostly unobtrusive. Mastery comes with persistence. This is a difficult style to master. Good post!

glorybox
Junior Member

since 2000-09-17

Posts 26

4 posted 2000-09-17 12:55 PM

Hello.
Your piece has a lot of energy, enough energy that I am able to visualize the scene in my mind, observing the soldier and feeling his anxiety and heart pounding.
I enjoyed reading it, and thought about "The Red Badge of Courage."
This poem is for those who do not run away.

everyday is a new day; forget the past, remember the future.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.